What Do I Say to a Guy on the Phone If I Don’t Want to Go Out With Him?

Hi Evan, I follow your 2-2-2 rule, which is great, but I’ve had a couple of awkward moments and need your advice: during the screening phone call, if it’s not going well and I decide I don’t want to meet in person, how do I tell the guy without hurting his feelings?? Especially if he thinks the call is going well and suggests a date!

Gabrielle

If you’re not a longtime reader or a Finding the One Online consumer, the 2/2/2 Rule means I encourage you to exchange a couple of emails on the dating site, a couple of emails on Gmail and a couple of phone calls before meeting for a first date.

I discourage swiping. I discourage coffee dates. I discourage texting.

All of those common dating methods treat people as if they’re disposable and lead to more flakiness, less screening prior to meeting  and higher volume/lower quality first dates.

The common pushback is that apps make it impossible to do this, people don’t like email, the phone is stilted, everyone uses texting, and it’s best to meet as quickly as possible.

Those are all partially valid excuses for continuing the swipe/text/meet method so I will say, once and for all, that if you LIKE dating this way, keep on doing your thing.

I didn’t and pretty much all my clients hate swipe/text/meet, and yet they don’t do a thing about it.

The 2/2/2 Rule is my best advice — and while it can be modified (say, 5/3/1), the principle of making a connection on the dating site, avoiding being part of a guy’s texting harem and building excitement and trust before meeting remains paramount.

Anyway, I’ve written a longer defense of the 2/2/Rule here and don’t need to do it again.

To answer Gabrielle’s question, I think it’s a good question with a pretty easy answer.

Would you rather have an uncomfortable minute where you inadvertently hurt a guy’s feelings, or would you rather spend two hours going on a date with that same guy?

Would you rather have an uncomfortable minute where you inadvertently hurt a guy’s feelings, or would you rather spend two hours going on a date with that same guy?

Because you’re right — it WILL be awkward. In fact, it’ll be worse than that. You’ve pretty much got a 50% chance of some thin-skinned angry guy cursing you out, all because you determined after a half-hour on the phone that he seemed selfish, negative, and creepy.

Personally, I’ve not asked out women on the phone and gotten yelled at.

I’ve had one woman refuse to go out with me after a phone call — and while I was surprised, I took my medicine and let it go without further comment. I don’t think most other guys will.

Long story short: your goal is to politely pass up a date and minimize any collateral damage. Be terse. Be apologetic. Be firm. Whatever happens next says everything about him and nothing about you.

Whether that’s enough to stop you on going on dates where you actively don’t want to be there is entirely up to you.