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Have you ever dated a guy and thought things were going GREAT between you, only to have him suddenly start being flaky, or stop calling, or vanish all together?
In my work as a dating coach, this is the number one complaint I hear.
You’re seeing a great guy and you THINK you’re getting close, but then he suddenly pulls away and you have NO IDEA what happened.
I can tell you what happened – if you’re ready to turn your love life around forever…
You see, I have a unique perspective – I’ve not only dated hundreds of women (before I became happily married) but I’m a coach for both women and men. And I’ve had countless nice, decent, relationship-oriented guys tell me why it SEEMED like they really liked a woman but then bailed on her.
After one date, after three dates, after three months… Amazingly, the reasons are always the same – and they were the very same reasons I’d pulled away from many surprised, confused women myself…
Here’s one thing that all of my work with smart, strong, successful women has brought to my attention – front and center:
The more you have going for you, the less likely you are to settle for less.
It’s not easy being a smart woman.
The more you have going for you, the less likely you are to settle for less.
I don’t blame you. Having high standards means that dating can be a challenge, and that most men are going to fall short.
If you’re like most women I know, you’ve agonized over this – wondering whether you’re too picky, too demanding, or maybe even unrealistic.
On one hand, you want to be open to all possibilities, on the other, you know what makes you tick – and it sure isn’t settling.
I’m guessing you concluded that the thought of being with the wrong man is far worse than the thought of being alone. No one can argue with that.
Yet the answer still isn’t satisfying. Being alone isn’t quite the life you had in mind, which is why the question still nags at you.
What areas, if any, can you compromise on?
Well, if you’ve ever made a list of must-haves (and, God knows, most relationship experts love to have you make long lists), you’ve probably seen up close just how few men possess all the qualities you’re looking for.
The guy who’s smart… isn’t always funny.
The guy who’s funny… isn’t always successful.
The guy who’s successful… isn’t always emotionally available.
…Since you can ALWAYS find a quality he DOESN’T have, it doesn’t make much sense to rely on such lists.
Literally, NO men will qualify to date you.
The guy who’s emotionally available… isn’t always exciting.
The guy who’s exciting… isn’t always consistent.
The guy who’s consistent… isn’t always challenging.
And so on.
So, since you can ALWAYS find a quality he DOESN’T have, it doesn’t make much sense to rely on such lists. Literally, NO men will qualify to date you.
This brings up an obvious question, however:
“What about men? What about THEIR lists?”
Great point. After all, men and women dump each other in equal measure.
And if you’re in touch with the dozens of reasons that most men don’t make the cut, what are the reasons that men use to cut you loose?
It’s probably not what you think.
In fact, I think you’d be SURPRISED at what men REALLY want from women.
I first realized there was a big gap in men’s and women’s perceptions when I was writing my first book, “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book – A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating”.
My friend Jen had sent me a list of over 300 things that men did wrong on first dates. She’d put it together in a few hours over a few glasses of wine with her girlfriends.
Do not drive too fast and act like you do it all the time.
Do not go to the loudest restaurant in town and complain you can’t hear her speak.
Do not order a drink and then tell her she can have one if she wants.
Do not wear a brown belt and black shoes, or vice versa.
Do not mention that any other girl is hot, even if she is hot.
I thought the list was so hysterical, that I included it in the first draft of my book.
Suddenly, the editors were on the phone with a question:
“Funny list, but what about a list for women? What do they do wrong on first dates?”
I was stumped.
In all my years of dating, I never stopped to dissect the behavior of my female dates. It’s not that I was above it; rather, I never even thought about it. I finally cobbled something together with the help of some friends. But it left me thinking:
Why would I choose not to go out with a woman a second time?
Here’s what I came up with:
She wasn’t physically attractive to me.
She wasn’t fun and easygoing.
End of list.
Drinking habits, driving habits, fashion choices – none of them enter the equation.
We men care about two main things:
Are you sexy?
Are you fun to be around?
If you are, we’re coming back for more.
Does this throw you off? I would imagine it does.
Because when you compare the number of factors that determine whether a guy is date-worthy with the number of factors that determine whether you’re date-worthy, it’s night and day. Women have their lengthy checklists. Men ask two questions:
Men are not nearly as concerned with your merits as much as how you make us FEEL.
Do I want to sleep with you?
Do I feel good about myself when I’m spending time with you?
That’s it.
Which means that all of your amazing qualities may not even matter to him at ALL!
You graduated summa cum laude from an Ivy League masters program? Wonderful. Do you freak out if he’s running ten minutes late?
You ran a half-marathon and raised twelve thousand dollars for leukemia? Great. Do you look in his eyes when he tells a story? Do you laugh when he tells a joke?
You made partner in your fifth year and you have a time-share in Vail? Awesome. Will you wake him on Sunday morning with chocolate chip pancakes and morning sex?
All of this is just a long way of stating what every man knows – and most women don’t:
We are not nearly as concerned with your merits as much as how you make us FEEL.
If you’re attractive, it makes us feel confident. It makes us feel like we’ve conquered and won. It makes us feel secure and studly and all those things we rarely feel on our own.
If you’re fun and easygoing, it makes us enjoy our time together. It makes us not crave time with the guys. It makes us want to keep you around forever and ever.
Understand, men DO value intelligence, but they also want from their girlfriend what they CAN’T get from their business associates.
Warmth, affection, nurturing, thoughtfulness. Lightness!
You can’t teach attraction, but you can teach fun. You can teach easy. That’s what I do as a dating coach. Because there are lots of amazing women who have the potential to be great girlfriends but accidentally sabotage themselves.
This is the main premise behind Why He Disappeared.
It’s not that you’re not an amazing catch. It’s that you’ve never fully understood why certain men choose not to stick around. Once you get it, you will have a clearer, easier path to love – and a lifelong ability to understand and connect with men.
It’s not that you’re not an amazing catch.
It’s that you’ve never fully understood why certain men choose not to stick around.
Men can be frustrating; that’s for sure. But neither you nor I can change that. If he’s shallow and fickle and uncommunicative and still thinks he should be dating Angelina Jolie, let him knock himself out. He doesn’t deserve you.
But when you do meet that rare, relationship-oriented, quality guy, how can you be the most self-confident, self-aware, irresistible man magnet around? It all starts with understanding what men are thinking.
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