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Hi there Dr. Nerd Love,
I came across your column this morning after having oddly enough, a very unsettling/confusing discussion with my husband of 25 years the night before, about his new sexual desires. So I don’t drag this out too long, let me hit the highlights of what has prompted me to reach out to you.
When we first met in 1998, he told me he loves to watch his partner being pleased by another man, whether he is participating or not. I had never been exposed to such a sensual dirty little fetish but I was more than happy to engage. This type of swinger lifestyle would continue off and on throughout the last 24 years of our marriage. We both enjoyed it very much, he never seemed to be overly excited to do the usual 2 girls one guy fantasy or a full couple swap, I mean we did it a few times but it never was really a turn on for him nor for me. We mainly stuck to one guy pleasing me while he watched and maybe 50% of the time he would join in with kissing me, touching me, giving me oral etc, while the other guy was doing me. Sometimes I would go to the other guys house or he’d come to our house or we would meet someone at a swingers club.
A year ago the dynamics changed. My hubby began to want me to play with his butt. At first I was shocked, as he was very much against any type of butt play. It first started with a small dildo, then escalated to a longer one, a wider one and more. Then he requested we invite one of my fuck partners over who had at one point, years ago, asked if my husband wanted to clean his dick off after he fucked me. At the time my husband was applauding and laughed saying fuck no that would never happen! Well, 6 months later he wanted to pull the trigger and asked if I would reach out to him. I was apprehensive and not sure how or if I would like this new type of play but I am a pretty open person sexually and was willing to give it a try at least once. I mean if neither of us liked it then we’d never have to do it again. I enjoyed parts of it and it did turn me on in a strange way to watch hubby give oral. After I think he was more in shock that he actually did it and then would be sheepish about it and say not to talk about it or bring it up. He said it was a one time thing, chalked it up to an experience and said that it was done.
That was over a year ago and now he wants kind of the same thing. He’s now expressed elaborate fantasies about my pegging him after I’ve been with other men and telling me these gets him excited ( for months now he says he has zero sex drive, no libido, he’ll say his dick is dead). He has even said he wants a guy to fuck him . His old thing used to be to go down on me after I’d been with someone else. That was hot but still a little odd for me but he enjoyed it so much I was happy to oblige him.
I just don’t know what to make of this new sexual desire/drive, when I have been missing his sexual drive towards me for so long. I should also probably mention over the last 6 months or so he hasn’t been as affectionate and touchy feely with me. He has trouble maintaining an erection and will stop and either want me to go down on him or masturbate while he rubs one out. Most of the time he will masturbate at least 3 times a week by himself and not even offer to touch or play with me. He says it is easier for him to masturbate cuz he can control the tightness and doesn’t need to have a full erection to have an orgasm. I get all that, it has been an adjustment not having intimate sex with him and him not being as touchy but I get it and we have made adjustments for it. There used to be the times when I would come home after being with another man and he was all over me, reclaiming me passionately. Now he says it is just not as exciting for him anymore…..but it still is for me…..but…..I am beginning to get my sexual excitement and fulfillment with the other men, which is dangerous. I am in no way looking to replace my husband, I just desperately miss the passion and sexual appetite he had for me.
Where I am having the dilemma is I feel like his desire for experimenting more with another man will replace the affection and hot sex we have shared for many years, not so much recently. I do not know how I am going to like watching him get fucked by another guy. He is not interested in being the top, just bottoming.
I am really very frazzled by this, I want to be totally open and willing to try and do anything but I really feel because I have lost that intimacy with him, he will imprint onto the next new hot desire. I should also mention he would always and I mean always please me either before the act of sex or after. He would even offer to please me when his libido started to disappear but not so much anymore. Matter of fact we can go 2+ weeks with no sexual intimacy at all, I mean sure the I love you, the quick hug in the kitchen and the little kisses in the morning and before bed. Please understand I pretty much beg and try to tease him with wearing little outfits he used to find so sexy on me. I am not shy about asking for what I need/want. He’ll “jokingly” tell me that is what my boyfriends are for.
I guess what it comes down to, now that I have typed this all out, is am I willing to share him with another man in our bed? He would do anything for me, no matter how dirty or perverse. If it was something I really wanted to try or make a part of our sex life, he’d be game for at least trying it once. Maybe because I am feeling not as desired, or wanted, or lusted over, pawed over, moaned over anymore is why I am apprehensive. Has he been working up to this in his mind for over a year now? Has he subconsciously been ever so slowly pushing me away or at the very least encouraging me that it is ok to fuck who I want when I want and planting the “that is want your boyfriend is for” seed, because he as been wanting to satisfy this urge inside of him that he has had probably had his whole life? The other odd/weird thing is years ago I said if he ever were to “come out” or “become gay” (kind of like those stories you hear of husband who were married for 25 years and then left their wives for another man), I would still want him to be my best friend. Of course he laughed and said why the hell would you ever think that?
Part of me just wants to roll the dice, let it happen, see where it goes. I can hear him now afterwards saying, well at least I can say I did it and tried it. He’ll shut down the desire again for another year or so and then it will come back. It always seems to come back. I guess I will ever know unless I try it with him and neither will he for that matter…..I mean, he wants to try it and he’d do it for me. Hell, who knows maybe my weird hang up about this turns out to be the most erotic sensual thing we have ever done.
Apprehensive in Florida,
TLC
OK, I’m once again going to point out my general philosophy of potential fake letters: I’m not terribly fussed about them. Some folks will basically write letters to advice columns in order to see if they can get something past the columnist while others want to have their fantasies in print and get off on it. But as the saying goes, every letter in an advice column is basically fake or theoretical to everyone but the letter-writer and if there’s something that others can learn from, then hey, there’s a benefit there too.
So with that in mind: as odd or “Dear Penthouse, I never thought your letters were real until…” as this can sound, what you’re describing, TLC, is a man with a cuckolding and humiliation fetish. There’re a number of different ways that folks will enjoy group sex. Some people like having sex in the same room as other couples who are ALSO having sex. Others like full-participation – threesomes, for example, or full-swapping between couples. Others are into what’s called Stag and Doe or Hot-Wifeing, where one person (usually the husband) watches as someone has sex with their partner. Then there’s cuckolding, like your husband is into. Cuckolding and Stag and Doe are superficially similar, but there’s a critical difference: cuckolding comes with an element of humiliation for the non-participating partner.
The idea in cuckolding isn’t “Hey, look how hot my wife is, I love watching her have sex with other folks,” it’s “this other person is fucking my wife and making me watch” or “This other person is fucking my wife better than me”. The humiliation and degredation of the voyeuristic partner is key. Sometimes, as with your husband, the cuckold is “dragged” or “forced” to interact with the bull (the guest star who’s brought in to fuck the other partner) in ways that are seen as degrading – having to clean off the bull’s penis with his mouth or clean the semen out of his partner. The whole point is the eroticization of shame, making the cuckold feel like less of a man and rubbing his inadequacy in his face… sometimes literally.
One thing that’s worth noting is that while the “forced” aspects of interaction with the bull have elements of homo or bisexuality, usually the cuckold is straight; the “forced bi” aspect is part of the humiliation. Your husband may well have discovered that he is, in fact, bi or pansexual during these encounters. Or he may have just learned that he likes buttplay, that insertion toys and prostate play are fun for him and he’s willing to take the cuckoldry further to new levels. It’s significant that he wants to bottom for these theoretical encounters; the casting the cuck in the submissive role is part of the submission and domination aspect of cuckoldry after all. But honestly, the only person who could say for sure is… well, him. He is, after all, the only person who knows what’s going on in between his ears during all of this.
Now part of where this is getting slightly sus is how little sex you’re having outside of these encounters. This could be a case of him being less interested in sex with you and more about him being interested in exploring these emerging sides of his sexuality because it’s the new shiny thing. The Coolidge Effect – where dopamine production during sex drops over time with the same partner, but spikes with a new one – is very real. Or it could be that he’s starting to be less attracted to you in general and this has become his way of slow-walking you (or him) out of a sexual relationship and either towards a more companionate marriage or out of the relationship entirely. It’s decidedly passive-aggressive and not cool, but… well, it’s something a lot of folks do when they don’t want to be the one to pull the trigger on ending the relationship.
Or it could be that he’s in the process of realizing he’s less straight than he thought and having sex with a woman isn’t what he wants anymore.
The only person who can tell you is your husband. So while you may still give this reverse stag and doe a try if that’s your thing, I’d suggest that you talk to your husband first. At the very least, this is a time for an Awkward Conversation, where you lay out exactly what your concerns are, why they bother you and what you think would make things better. However, I think you’d probably have better results by going to a sex-positive marriage counselor and having the conversation mediated by a trained third party. If you don’t have a marriage counselor already or you don’t feel like they’d understand the kink dynamics in your marriage, then I’d suggest visiting the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists at aasect.org. They have a referral directory of sex-positive counselors in your area who can help the two of you work through exactly what’s going on here, how to move forward and – if necessary – how to wind the marriage down with a minimum of complications and hurt feelings.
Good luck.
Hello, Dr NerdLove!
My message today is coming from a place of uncertainty, and I feel I need guidance. I’ve recently ended a six year long relationship due to it not meeting my needs, and my dating life over the past decade has been pretty vanilla in that area.
Because of that, I’m looking to explore more of my interests on the side of finding a more dominant partner. I’ve joined a forum for my interests stating my wants, needs and hard no’s, and I have friends in the poly/swinger community I can ask, but I really have no idea on how to respectfully approach a dominatrix of any kind. Are there any tips, do’s, and don’ts? Any advice on this topic is well appreciated.
All the Best,
Rocketeer seeking Bettie
Y’know, the pedantic nerd (and Dave Stevens) fan in me feels the need to point out that both Bettie in the Rocketeer and Bettie Paige, who she was based on, were pin-up models who dressed in BDSM outfits for shoots, not actual doms…
(And also Dave Stevens’ relationship with Bettie Page is an incredibly sweet story and someone should do more with that. Also, look up Stevens’ art; he was great and taken from us far too soon.)
Anyway, let’s give you some actual help instead of me just flexing my nerd cred here. You want to meet a dom or, ideally, date someone who’s more dominant in general. If that’s what you’re into then you need to go where the doms are. The most obvious place is, of course, FetLife. FetLife is very much like Facebook for kinky people and, like Facebook, it’s not explicitly a dating site. While people can and do hook up on there, it’s primarily a social media site that caters to folks who prefer whips and ropes to flowers and candy. Not only is it a good place to find kinky folks in your area, it’s also a good way to start learning some of the etiquette of BDSM and doms and subs.
What I would suggest is that you start slowly and get involved in the community. The kink community is small and very connected, so taking time to get your feet wet instead of diving straight in is a good decision, especially if you’re looking for a female dom. They tend to be rarer on the ground and, as a result, in great demand; networking within your community and establishing yourself as a safe, open-minded and trustworthy guy is going to be key to any relationship in the community, whether you’re booking a session with a professional or just meeting like-minded kinksters.
There’re three ways you can get started. The first is to find what’s known as a “munch”. These are semi-informal get-togethers in the kink community, usually at bars or restaurants, where people come to talk, trade stories or tips, meet and greet and generally establish relationships. What they aren’t are play parties. A munch tends to look more like a bunch of friends getting together for a cocktail hour or brunch, and while folks may talk shop and plan they aren’t there to pair off or tie each other up. If you go, treat it like a networking event; get to know people, let folks know that you’re new to the scene and looking to learn more. Coming in with an open mind, a willingness to listen and learn and follow the community norms will help you merge in seamlessly.
The second would be to see if someone with a dungeon is hosting an open house. Most pro dungeons are by appointment only, for obvious reasons. While there’s little to no sexual activity in a pro-domme session, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t often skirting the legal limits, and there’re always sex-negative assholes who would take any excuse to shut them down and arrest a bunch of folks… even if no laws are actually being broken. Some dungeon owners, however, will hold open-houses that are designed specifically for the newbies and the curious; while this means that sometimes there’ll be some lookieloos who’re only there for safe “edgy” thrills, most of the people who will attend are either established within the community, newbies and curious folks like you who are intrigued and would want to learn more. These parties tend to be either by invite only or require buying a ticket; this helps keep the randos and tourists to a minimum, and makes sure that the only people who attend are folks who have read and will follow the rules.
Open houses like this can be a good way for a newbie like yourself to not only experience a scene, but also meet potential doms and play partners. If you’ve attended a munch first and met some potential doms that you click with, an open house or event at a dungeon may well be a great way to try things out and see if the two of you are a good match for one another.
As for learning the ropes (as it were), you may also want to start following some pro-dommes on Twitter and other social media, as well as check out their websites; these often will have rules and screening questions, as well as occasional etiquette guides for the new and curious. I’d also recommend checking out some books and websites for folks starting to get into kink. Bound Together, for example, has a good resource page, and Wicked Grounds offers online classes that run the gamut from knot tying to advanced negotiation and dating while kinky, which may be exactly what you’re looking for.
Good luck!
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