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I recently started dating a guy a couple of months ago; we met on a dating site back in January and were talking for about four months before we actually met. The first 3 weeks were magical! Well, we had gotten into a fight because of his trust issues. His ex wife screwed with his head and cheated on him a lot so, he brought those trust issues into our relationship. We made up and got back together and things were good for a few more weeks and he became upset that I had checked my email on a couple of dating site that I used before I met him. He still has his profile up and I didn’t make a big deal about it but he didn’t want mine up. Well, hence another fight. The day we got into the fight I learned I was pregnant. We both took a couple of days to evaluate where we are and where we want to be. We finally spoke and made up a few days later.
When we first started dating he called me babe or sweetie all of the time, texted me, and initiated conversations via text. When we are together it is great! I love being together with him but, he doesn’t want to spend the night and now when I text him they are short answers and I feel like I’m bothering him. He works a lot of hours and has 2 kids so I understand that he can’t always talk, but he just seems so cold and distant when we aren’t together. I am scared to have this baby and him not want to build a life with me. All I want to know is where he stands. I am so confused and I am starting to fall in love with him. I don’t want to put all this work and energy and love into this relationship if he is just not longer interested and is just going to walk away. I’m so scared and confused. If I wasn’t pregnant with his baby I wouldn’t worry, but now that I am I just want to know that he will be there for me and with me. Please help!
–Jules
Dear Jules,
I’m answering your question in spite of (because of?) the fact that I just did a post about whether men should be forced to pay for children they didn’t want. I want to shelve that discussion for now, because my feelings about that are irrelevant to my feelings towards your own dilemma.
I’m not sure how to say this diplomatically, so I won’t: your relationship is doomed.
And let’s be clear: this is one helluva dilemma.
I’m not sure how to say this diplomatically, so I won’t: your relationship is doomed.
Why am I so pessimistic? Let me count the ways:
“We talked for four months before we actually met.”
That means you fell in love with a stranger. Fell in love before you met him. Before you kissed. Before you ate a meal. Before you had your first fight.
Your cart is way before your horse.
“The first three weeks were magical!”
So are the first three weeks of every relationship. That’s how relationships get started! You do know that three weeks isn’t a really significant amount of time, right? You do know that you don’t get to see all sides of a person for a few years, right? You do know that you can’t build a lifetime on three magical weeks, right?
Oh, dear…you didn’t know that, did you?
“Well, we had gotten into a fight because of his trust issues…We made up and got back together.”
Your beloved boyfriend of three weeks has trust issues. This is a big red flag, which you probably could have seen coming if you didn’t make him your boyfriend so fast. So now, you’re in love with a man you’ve barely met, and you have your first fight! And he quickly breaks up with you! And then you quickly make up with him!
The only decision you have is whether you’re going to keep the baby.
And now everything’s supposed to be okay? Forgive me if I’m not sold.
The day we got into the fight I learned I was pregnant. We both took a couple of days to evaluate where we are and where we want to be. We finally spoke and made up a few days later.
This is where it starts getting sad and I can’t maintain any level of snark. I just want to give you a hug. Listen, Jules, I’m really sorry you’re hurting right now. You’re experiencing what everyone has experienced before you — the feeling of getting your heart broken by an unrequited love whom you overestimated due to chemistry.
The difference is that you’re pregnant.
It may or may not matter why you got pregnant. Did you forget your pill? Did he use a condom? Did it break? Did you have a spontaneous moment of passion without any protection? No matter what happened, you’re in the same place: you’re pregnant and you’ve got a man who doesn’t want to have any part in your life.
There. I said it.
You’re asking me “where he stands”. That’s where he stands.
He knocked you up, he completely regrets it, and he wants to run.
I don’t know this for a fact, of course. But the short-term nature of your relationship, the personality conflicts, the making up and breaking up, the trust issues, and the post-pregnancy pull-away give me all the signs I need to conclude that this is NOT your future husband and that you should NOT be wasting one more second on him.
I hope you can see in retrospect that he was never really your boyfriend. He was a stranger. A stranger that you feel you loved, but a stranger, nonetheless. You slept with that stranger, he knocked you up, he’s distancing himself and you’re still intent on ignoring his colossal flaws and trying to forge a relationship with him.
Babies deserve fathers who WANT to be fathers, men who are fully committed to their wives and families. Unfortunately, you can’t MAKE a man want to be this way.
Please, stop.
The only decision you have is whether you’re going to keep the baby.
If you’re not, then you can terminate your pregnancy and your man simultaneously.
However, if you ARE keeping the baby, please be aware that, by making this decision, your child will probably not have much of a father. I’m not saying whether this is right or fair. I’m saying what is patently obvious to a third-party observer. This guy does not want a future with you, nor does he want to support a baby for the rest of his life. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But I’d be surprised if he stepped up.
I also believe that babies deserve fathers who WANT to be fathers, men who are fully committed to their wives and families. Unfortunately, you can’t MAKE a man want to be this way. He either feels it or he doesn’t.
So understand, Jules, if you choose to bring this baby into the world, you are also choosing to give yourself and your baby a great hardship: a tempestuous, mistrustful, busy absentee father who has no interest in being a part of either of your lives.
If it sounds like I’m weighing heavily in one direction, that’s because I am.
You have the right to do whatever you want. All I wanted to make clear was the consequences of your decisions.
I’m sorry you’re in this position, my friend. I hope you make the right call for you and your family. Please come back and let me know what you chose.
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