What We Get Wrong About “High Value” Men

Every once in a while, a topic will just drop into my lap because The Discourse becomes inescapable. And this time, the topic of value and what it means to be (or attract) a “high value” man has been popping up everywhere. TikTok – and Twitter accounts talking about TikTok – has been an absolute clearing house of folks talking about “high value men”. Whether it’s been dating advice and pick-up podcasts posting their lowlights for engagement, to would-be tradwifes bragging about how they snagged a “high value” man, it seems like you can’t swing the metaphorical dead cat without hitting at least three or four discussions or proclamations about “value”.

Now, normally I would roll my eyes and move to something less obnoxious. However, part of what stands out to me isn’t just how the concept infects the dating scene, but how people are getting it wrong. In a fit of irony sufficient to make Alanis Morrisette blush… these discussions are actually providing no value.

So let’s talk about what it really means to be a high-value man… and why so many people get it wrong.

Where Did All The Alphas Go? Or: The Mysterious Case of The “High-Value” Male

If you were to casually search social media for the term “high value man”, you might notice just how many dudes are ready to make deep, declarative proclamations about high value men.

Now, if you, like me, have been paying far too much attention to this, you might notice something: you could swap out “high value” for “alpha male” and get the exact same happy horse shit. It’s the same discourse, the same supposed qualities and, of course, equally as meaningless as “alpha male”. It caters to the same demographics, plays to the same anxieties about being “real” men and, of course, plays to the same idea of a sexual hierarchy as the alpha/beta argument.

At best, it’s just the 12″ dance remix of the same tired rhetoric that presents archaic gender roles and performative behavior as a revolutionary concept. It is, as the saying goes, second verse, same as the first.

It is, in effect, yet another way of trying to market outmoded and restrictive ideas about men and masculinity to the people who feel lost and unsure of their place in the world.

Because it is working from the same playbook, the idea of high value men is very much the same as being “alpha”: exhibit these performative behaviors, conform to these particular values, have these markers of supposed social significance and you will set yourself above all others without effort. You will no longer have to actually put work into meeting or attracting women because they will just naturally materialize out of the ether in a puff of lavender-scented fuck mist in order to leap on your junk. Meanwhile those poor “low value” (or “beta” or “simp” or the latest term du jour) will wail and gnash their teeth with envy as they have to contend with whatever those high-value men leave behind.

But, as with the “alpha male” trend, it accomplishes little besides providing an acceptable on-ramp towards fascist-friendly thinking. If you were to follow the (frequently contradictory) advice about being “high value”, you would end in much the same place you were before: frustrated, lonely and loudly insisting that you’re a HVM and should be treated as such. At best, it is a waste of your time. At worst, it’s a waste of your time that actively handicaps your growth and progress, something that sets you back in your platonic and romantic relationships. And this is because of a simple, unmissable fact:

The people pushing the idea of a “high-value man” the hardest have no idea what value is. Not in personal development and certainly not in interpersonal relationships. And as a result, the lessons they purport to teach – and the values they push – remain out of alignment with what actually makes relationships work.

You Got End-Stage Capitalism In My Dating Advice

The current ideation of “value” in the dating sphere is not that new. Poke through and you’ll find that it’s much the same shit people have been peddling since the 90s and early 00s, just given a coat of paint and rebranded in market-speak. The biggest difference between “alpha male” and “high-value man” involves people moving from evo-psych rationale to the Invisible Handjob of the Free Market instead. The idea that attraction and dating follows the same “laws” as the marketplace have been around for ages; people have been trying to equate attraction and dating to economics since… well, honestly, since marriage evolved past being a transfer of property between men.

People have long made much of the idea of someone’s “sexual market value” or that sex is a “commodity” that women control the price of. Folks will argue about how important status is or that attractiveness is currency and without it, people have less power “in the marketplace” that is (allow me to check my notes here) Tinder.

Now, a savvy, economically minded soul might point out that this is, in fact, the market behaving as it should. After all, Tinder – that go-to example for men who want to complain about the inflationary pressures on the sexual marketplace – is very much a lopsided market with a 3 to 1 ratio of men to women. This, needless to say, makes it a daunting prospect for men who’re hoping to be competitive. But in the rest of the world, this approach to relationships is, frankly, kind of repulsive.

There’s any number of problems with this outlook, starting with the fact that it’s deeply dehumanizing. If we were to take this mindset seriously, it would require that there be a universal standard of attractiveness that is easily quantifiable, conforms to a strict 1-to-1 looks-to-value ratio, and that this value is ultimately immutable. This in and of itself is problematic, in no small part because the idea of beauty is cultural, not universal. What we consider to be beautiful has much more to do with the culture and time that we live in; the “ideal” male and female bodies have varied drastically over time due to fashion and cultural pressures.

Moreover, the current “ideals” that are, quite literally marketed to us, are based on Northern European physiognomy. These standards exclude Asian, African, Slavic and Indigenous peoples – just to name a few – except for when they conform to Western standards. At best, it furthers a hegemonic idea of beauty that’s ultimately been forced on others against their will. At worst, it still means that these values aren’t universal, if only because changes in the hegemony would also change those values. If China becomes the dominant cultural power, would that not imply that the supposed “high sexual market value” individuals would suddenly find themselves as worthless as, to pull a random example out of my hat, an algorithmically generated JPG of a gorilla?

It would also mean that all people are, ultimately, depreciating assets by definition. Since time and gravity make fools of us all, then past a certain point, the markers of attractiveness – whether those are body proportions, muscularity, skin tone and elasticity, hair luster or what-have-you – are doomed to go down in “value”. It, quite literally, reduces the idea of relationships to numbers on a spreadsheet.

And, of course, to quote John Rogers: where there is value, there is crime. Would, for example, being skilled at make-up be considered fraud? What about cosmetic surgery? Or something as common as straightening one’s teeth?

Now, as fun as it can be to apply a reducto ad absurdum to the marketplace/value argument, the argument is one that makes everyone miserable. It treats women as assets whose job is ultimately to provide value to their husbands while getting little in return – disincentivizing many if not most from actually pursuing relationships. It reinforces the idea that the only thing men have to offer is as a provider, rather than as a person; men aren’t wanted, so they have to be needed. However, gender roles have changed in ways which, by this logic, ultimately make men  effectively valueless. Once women started to get greater economic parity to men – and thus, greater freedom – the role of “man as provider” became obsolete.

This has the effect of leaving many men feeling lost and adrift and feeling as though they’re now, well, worthless.

Small wonder, then, that the concept of being “high-value” becomes so important; it’s an attempt to find a replacement for gendered roles that stayed static while the world moved on.

The Potemkin Village of Masculine Value

If we were to take the “high-value man” concept at face value and to treat it seriously, it seems as though it’s a straight-forward prospect. If everything has value – and you want a valuable asset partner – then you need to have an equally high value in exchange. But this, in and of itself, is something of a daunting prospect. How, precisely, is one supposed to demonstrate their value, especially if you’re (theoretically) in competition with other men for that limited pool of available women?

This is what I call “the six-pack problem”. Six pack abs are sold to us as the pinnacle of fitness and thus attractiveness. Never mind that they’re vanity muscles that we really only see through a combination of dehydration and potentially dangerously low body fat percentage that is also dependent on genetics – if you’ve got six-pack abs then you’re part of the sexual elite.

Except… how’s anyone supposed to know you have them? There’re only so many places where a man can hang around without a shirt without looking weird or out of place. Mirror selfies are still considered gauche on dating apps and wearing shirts that are so tight that that you can see muscle definition makes you look your emotional development ended in 2011. You quickly run out of ways to show off that don’t come off as try-hard, contrived or just plain weird… and honestly, working that hard to brag about them isn’t a good look on anyone.

The same challenges apply to advertising that you’re that “high-value” man women supposedly want. One of the issues inherent to the concept is, well, proving it. This is trickier than it sounds. You want to demonstrate it in such a way that people actually believe it, but that also doesn’t make you seem like a raging douchecanoe.

Y’know. Like 90% of the people talking about being high-value on TikTok or Instagram.

People have been trying to crack the “demonstrate higher value” code for a while now. Hell, the PUA community had literal archives of “DHVs” that practitioners were supposed to use as ways of getting into women’s pants. The problem, of course, is that, much like “alphas”, declaring yourself to be of high-value is one of the surest signs that you’re not.

Instead, so the theory goes, you want to demonstrate that value. And… well, ok, great. But how? One of the more common examples would be various forms of peacocking or ostentatiously showing off. Peacocks, after all, have long, luxurious tail feathers that they display to peahens. Since the longer and more voluminous displays actively handicap the peacocks in their ability to evade predators, a peacock with the most lush and vibrant tail feathers must be an agile and able survivor. That makes them prime breeding material. Since we don’t have plumage to show off, we  tend to peacock in other ways.

Some, for example, will attempt to demonstrate their value by means of clothing. For some, this means dressing in loud or outre styles and colors that draw attention. Others will become label addicts, proudly displaying their Supreme bomber jackets and pristine Yeezys, Comme Des Garcons hoodies or Golden Goose Sneakers. Others might be name droppers, letting people know in “subtle” ways how connected they are or who they’re tight with – basking in the reflected glory that implies what rarefied circles they run in.

Pick-Up Artists would take this to an extreme, telling stories that supposedly demonstrated their social status and value. These pre-scripted pseudo-anecdotes – like casually dropping that your ex girlfriend was a model, stripper or both – were supposed to “subtly” hit women’s attraction switches without them consciously noticing. In practice, it was about as subtle as a brick to the head and less believable. Telling someone at the bar – that you clearly are uncomfortable in – that you used to party in Ibiza with celebrities has about the same level of authenticity as “my uncle who works at Nintendo…” stories.

Of course, the most popular way to demonstrate value these days is through social media. Influencers have a need to prove their value, in order to maintain their positions of, well, influence, and so make showing off part of their brand. Shopping hauls, unboxing, gear reveals, documenting wild and lavish parties are all part and parcel of the social media ecosystem, where bragging is as much a savvy branding opportunity as it is a demonstration of their value. But, again, this actually proves very little. Social media is famously full of people faking lavish lifestyles, ranging from photos staged to look like they’re on private jets to just being neck deep in credit card debt.

But surely being able to demonstrate these in person would show that you’re the bee’s knees and the badger’s nadgers, right? Well, let’s say that you meet someone who’s dressed in head to toe Versace, who regales you with tales of exotic adventures and high-powered connections (which, a quick Google search would confirm) and then takes you on his private jet to Europe for a long weekend where you stay at the fanciest hotels and eat at Michelin starred restaurants and pays for it all. Surely then you could say that you’ve met a true, high-value man, not some poseur who’s fronting for Instagram clout, right?

Congratulations: you just fell for The Tinder Swindler.

And don’t call me Shirley.

The issue is that so many of the traits of the supposed “high-value man”, like alpha traits, don’t represent any real value – certainly not any that is authentic or inherent to the individual. When you strip away the marketing hype, what you get is a lionization of people lucky enough to be born upper class, with everyone else being told to spend conspicuously to “earn” that value.

And to add insult to injury, these aren’t even traits that women want.

Whose Value Is It Anyway?

If you’re like me – and I know I am – and you’ve seen these trends come and go, then one thing stands out rather starkly: the “values” that they’re pushing are never the values that people actually want in relationships. Again, much as with the “alpha male” shtick, the traits that are supposed to make you a “high-value man” that women will desire are just things that men think will make them cool to other men.

Nine times out of ten, it’s weird incel-y self-insert fanfic as dudes insist that women will flock to men who do X,  Y or Z… even as women steadily and readily fail to do so. The various attempts to “prove” their points either involve unsourced anecdotes, weird, glaringly edited “social experiments” on YouTube that require not asking pesky questions like “how many failed attempts did you have to cut around to get this” and even more failed attempts at apps that would supposedly prove their point.

Not surprisingly, it’s the same mindset that leads many of the same voices to extol the money-and-sex-bringing powers of cryptocurrencies and NFTs; they really really WORK guys, you just don’t want to accept it because you’re a hater. Now to take a big sip of coffee and check out all the women who want to HODL my diamond hands all over them on a dating app that lets women sort matches by the value of my crypto wallet…

Much as with classics like the “six sixes” or needing to look like Henry Cavill in latex, the citation that “proves” that women want these values is “dude, trust me”. It’s bog-standard toxic masculine tropes of social dominance, financial dependence, an aversion to expressing or feeling emotions besides anger or disdain and the suggestion of being capable of horrific violence – not traits that women want, but ones that nerds who feel insecure in their masculinity think will make them cool. Not surprisingly, the values also tend to align rather closely with fascist-compatible ideologies, including appeals to the glory days of the (romanticized and non-existent) golden age, a return to “traditional values”, deploring feminism and LGBTQ people as signs of cultural degeneracy and anti-intellectualism.

Small wonder that right-wing hate groups use communities that promote those values as a recruiting ground.

Nor, for that matter, are they values that actually foster or support long-term relationships. In fact, this becomes one of the more telling parts of the obsession with being “high-value”: there’s no substance to go with them. Even if we were to grant that these values were attractive to women beyond the occasional tradwife wannabes, the only benefit it brings is providing the initial meeting. Much like people who focus on getting matches on Tinder, there’s nothing to actually sustain any attraction past the initial moment. It’s all sizzle without the steak to back it up.

The same traits that guys insist women want – that grindset mindset and so on – provides no real incentive for women to stay. Initial attraction is great, but it fades quickly; without real substance or actual value behind it, you’re right back to the Potemkin Village form of masculinity: a lovely front that tries to hide the lack of character, mettle or even a decent foundation to build on. There’s reason to check things out, but no reason to stick around and actually do anything with this.

At best you get gold diggers and folks who want access to your resources. At worst, you end up with someone quietly dying inside as they try to build a relationship from nothing before eventually giving up and leaving.

But again, the level of posturing ends up betraying the truth: it’s sound and fury, signifying nothing. The people who proclaim it the loudest want the attention in no small part because they don’t feel like they have actual worth to fall back on.

What Does A Real High Value Man Look Like?

This, of course, brings up a relevant question: so what really does make someone a high-value man? And the answer is almost deceptively simple: someone whose core values and authenticity bring people together and make them feel good. High-value behaviors and attitudes are inherently pro-social – ones that not only help you be a better person but help elevate others as well. The behaviors that make people want to spend time with you and make them feel like your presence is a net benefit to them.

One core attribute of someone who’s high-value is generosity – not just with resources but with their time, attention and willingness to provide support. To give an example, someone who’s willing to prop up others – giving them room to shine, signaling their attention and approval and making it clear that they enjoy and appreciate other people’s contributions – is demonstrating high value. They’re not shrinking violets who avoid being the center of attention but use their own presence to highlight others. They tend to be facilitators and organizers, people who make things happen, in part, because they let other people have their chance to contribute and show off.

Having a willingness to pass the mic and bringing attention to others isn’t just a sign of confidence, but of understanding that value isn’t found in being the center of attention. It’s in letting everyone have their moment in the sun.

Similarly, being someone who provides support and help to others – emotionally as well as materially – is demonstrating high value. That emotional support can be far more important than, say, trying to solve their problems for them. Many times, what people need is someone who can listen, comfort them and encourage them and lend the strength that empowers them to fix the problem, rather than trying to resolve things for them.

Being a provider is also a sign of high value. Not providing in the sense of material goods or money but in providing and facilitating positive experiences. Hosting a party and going around to introduce folks – especially people who may be shy or intimidated – is a pro-social, high-value activity. You aren’t just providing the event, you’re helping people get the most out of it by bridging gaps and helping forge connections.

You can see this dynamic play out in movies as well. Part of what makes Rick O’Connell so attractive in The Mummy is his willingness to let others play to their strengths without letting his ego get in the way. Little things, like backing Evie’s play when she seems to back down from their rivals at Hamunaptra or replacing the tools lost when their boat was sunk demonstrate much higher value than if he were to try to force his way into a leadership role.

Tony Stark, on the other hand, seems like the sort of person that should be a high-value man. However, not only is he not the leader that Steve Rogers is, we also see very quickly that his relationships are shallow and fleeting; he’s surrounded by people but devastatingly lonely and isolated. It’s rare that he ever actually connects with anyone without letting his ego get in the way. The times we see him genuinely bond with someone or share a moment are the times when he actually lets his guard down and gives of himself without trying to dominate the interaction or the situation. It’s somewhat ironic that for as seemingly “alpha” or high-value as he is, the only person who can actually stand to be around him for extended periods of time is Pepper Potts. And even that is tenuous at best.

It’s telling that Tony – the epitome of what many would see as a high-value man to be emulated – is ultimately a hollow shell. His ego and self-centeredness ultimately sabotage his keen desire for love and connection. It’s only when he starts to think of others that he starts to develop qualities that lead to people wanting to stay for reasons besides selfishness. And that nicely illustrates a fundamental truth about value: value that brings people into your life is only a partial answer. High value not only brings people in but encourages them to stay.

If you want to be a high-value man, don’t fall prey to marketplace thinking; cultivate the value that you bring to others instead.