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I’ve been LOVING your “Why He Disappeared” book. It’s given me affirmation in areas that I’m doing the right thing, but also made me realize where I’m projecting my own insecurities onto relationship by constantly requiring affirmation from men.
My question is “asking for needs.” I’ve currently been dating a guy for the last 9 months or so. He’s great. We started off as friends, which turned to friends with benefits, which is now turned into a committed relationship. It has moved VERY slow and I’ve been very cool about that. However, I can still go a few days or so without hearing from him at times and this drives me nuts and makes me feel insecure…but I still “play it cool.” To me it doesn’t make sense to be in a committed relationship and not communicate daily, but for him I think it’s normal. I also don’t want to take on the “masculine role” and be the one reaching out to him. I want to find a healthy way of letting him know how much his communication means to me, without sounding needy. Can you give some advice on how to ask for needs in a relationship?
Thank you SO much for the work you do. Your directness, confidence and clarity is extremely refreshing.
Caroline
As I said previously on the Love U Podcast, “You’re only as needy as your unmet needs” is a really affirming quote, because it implies that if you feel needy, your partner has been neglecting your needs. The question — for all of us — is whether our needs are reasonable or unreasonable.
All of us think our needs are reasonable. The issue, of course, is that needs are subjective. If my wife “needs” me to not coach women because she’s insecure or I “need” her to not go out with her girlfriends because I’m jealous, then a reasonable person may conclude we’re both confusing our wants with needs.
The “guy you’re seeing” wants to make himself happy; your happiness is secondary.
You, Caroline, are not.
It is perfectly reasonable to want to have daily communication but your letter indicates a few gaping blind spots that I have to call your attention to.
- 1. It’s nine months and he’s not your “boyfriend,” but rather, “the guy you’re dating.” That’s a problem. You’re not being “cool.” You’re being weak. You’re so afraid to find out that this guy is NOT your boyfriend that you say nothing to keep the peace. And no “committed relationship” or “exclusive” is not boyfriend. It just means he’s not fucking anybody else, not that he’s contemplating a future with you.
- 2. It’s easy to say that men are selfish and poor communicators, but you know what? You haven’t set any boundaries or expressed any needs. As a result, he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s having the relationship he wants — low pressure, low stakes, no titles, and, most likely, no future. How do I know this? Well, because men who WANT a future usually stake their claim as boyfriend within weeks of dating you. This guy hasn’t in 9 months.
- 3. Thus, when you say things are moving VERY slow, what you’re saying is that it’s not really moving at all. Which is why you’re writing to me today.
Here are your words:
To me it doesn’t make sense to be in a committed relationship and not communicate daily, but for him I think it’s normal. I also don’t want to take on the “masculine role” and be the one reaching out to him. I want to find a healthy way of letting him know how much his communication means to me, without sounding needy. Can you give some advice on how to ask for needs in a relationship?
Here is your solution:
- a. You have a direct conversation clarifying that he’s your boyfriend and has the desire to contemplate a future. You shouldn’t have to ask this question, but it’s begging to be asked. If he hedges or acts weird, guess what? He doesn’t want to be your boyfriend and I just saved you nine more months of these shenanigans.
- b. Presuming he’s your boyfriend and wants to consider a future, express your needs: “You’re an amazing boyfriend, but when you go a few days without reaching out to me, it doesn’t feel good. It would make me really happy if you could just call me at the end of the day to say good night, even if you have nothing to say. Could you do that for me?” The right man will say yes. The wrong man will find every excuse not to do this.
My guess is that you’re very afraid to have the first conversation, rendering the second conversation irrelevant.
If you’re not getting your reasonable needs met, there’s no relationship worth preserving.
Simply put: your boyfriend wants to make you happy.
The “guy you’re seeing” wants to make himself happy; your happiness is secondary.
Find out which man you’ve got on your hands, and please, don’t mistake being “cool” for being a doormat. If you’re not getting your reasonable needs met, there’s no relationship worth preserving.
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