Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

I am a straight woman (I like men) and in my 40’s and I would like a relationship and it’s very difficult to meet men. So, I looked online and I can’t find a dating app or website that seems applicable to me. So I Googled speed dating and I saw there was 1 event in my area. Just One!!!!!

I feel this community does not show any support in helping healthy dating / marriages and of course I am upset because I am single and I’d like a “partner in life”. My parents have been together all these years. But the men I meet don’t seem to value that “togetherness?”

I have met more than 3 men and it did not work out. One man wanted me to move away and another just wanted fun at 11 PM and another just did not want a relationship. I guess they enjoy being alone but want “company” sometimes? Anyway, should I start a matchmaking business in my area?

…And Where Are All The Gods?

Gotta say, AWAATG, I would think that knowing where the good men are and how to reach them would be a pre-requisite to starting a matchmaking service…

Ok, sorry, I know that was a bit snarky, but I do think that it’s actually a place to start from with your issue: you’re having a hard time finding the people you want to date and you’re frustrated. That’s entirely valid. Dating, like a lot of social activities, can be a wild and wonderful adventure for some and a frustrating slog for others. Hell, sometimes it can be both for the same people at entirely different times. And the way it can seem like you’re always beating your head against the same great wall can make it maddening.

Dating can absolutely be a struggle, and for women it can be especially difficult for reasons that are no fault of their own. If you’re going to want to find a relationship – especially a long-term one – you’re going to have to accept that there’re going to be false starts, poor fits and a certain amount of panning for gold. And even if you do find a guy who’s a good match for you, there’s no way to be 100% sure that this is the last relationship you’ll ever have or that it’s going to last as long as you might want. There are no guarantees in life; you and your future partner can do everything right and circumstances can still arise that might cause the end of the relationship. And while this can feel daunting or make you feel like maybe there’s no hope… well, part of it means having to change the way you look at things.

I hate to say this but sometimes the answer is to learn how to, if not love the challenge, to at least figure out how to make it less of a soul-searing headache while also not growing a callus over your heart.

Here’s a hard truth that you more or less have to accept if you’re going to be on the dating market: dating and relationships are, to a certain extent, a numbers game. As frustrating as it may be, three poor matches really isn’t that many in the scheme of things, and if that’s enough to throw you off… well, you need to be willing to brace yourself, because there will be others. You’re going to meet people who aren’t necessarily a good fit for you in one way or another. That’s not always going to be a failure on your part or on theirs, or even mostly anyone’s fault. Dating is as much about luck as it is about preparation and perseverance, and sometimes you get on a streak of bad luck and keep pulling the short straw.

But there are ways you can improve the odds in your favor, as well as not losing your mind in the process. While dating is a numbers game, that doesn’t mean that you can’t make the search more efficient. First and foremost, you want to know who and what you’re looking for – what kind of man (especially in terms of general personality, values, expectations, age, etc.), what attracts you and what kind of relationship you want. The more you know about your ideal partner and ideal relationship, the easier it is to weed out the bad matches, the poor fits and the time-wasters.

You also need to know where you’re willing to be flexible in terms of what you must have and what you’re willing to trade in exchange for getting most of what you want. As the saying goes, settling down does require a certain amount of settling for – nobody gets 100% of what they want in a relationship. What you want is a partner who has so much great stuff that you’re willing to forgo the things he doesn’t have in exchange. That doesn’t mean “lower your standards” so much as “know the value of what you get versus what you’re letting go of and know you’re getting a good deal.”

When you have this in mind, the next step is to conduct your life in ways that put you in the places where those men are likely to be. The cliché about luck being the intersection of preparation and opportunity is a cliché for a reason; the people who are the luckiest are the ones who deliberately put themselves into fortune’s path. This means doing more than just going to speed-dating events; it means seeking out things that you enjoy that will bring you in contact with people, including the people you want to meet. And that means more than finding the right singles mixers or speed-dating events. It means engaging in your hobbies and passions, living your life outside of work and home and having an eye out for people who seem like likely prospects.

This may seem tedious, I realize. But part of the way that you don’t lose your mind is that you focus on finding activities, groups and communities that you actually enjoy being part of, ones that you find fulfilling regardless of whether they’re full of eligible bachelors or not. Enjoying the search becomes much easier when you actually can enjoy the things you’re doing while searching. When you’re relaxed and having a good time, you’re much more likely to meet like-minded folks who are also having a good time and will appreciate having a good time with you.

You should also take another look at the apps. There are a host of different apps out there, for all kinds of different relationships. If you’re looking for a more traditional long-term relationship, them something like Hinge or Bumble may be more your speed than, say, Tinder. Finding the right app can be a useful supplement to meeting people – allowing you to see who’s out there without a massive time-commitment on your part.

But please notice very carefully that I said they’re a useful supplement to meeting people in person, not a substitute or replacement. Dating apps increase the overall population of men you might want to meet, but they have their own drawbacks. One of the biggest is that it’s very easy to get tunnel-vision in terms of matches. While many apps will let you get incredibly granular about what kind of person you want to meet, you run the risk of missing out on someone incredible who doesn’t necessarily line up with what you want on paper.

Dating apps don’t allow for serendipity, meeting folks who you might not realize are your type until you’ve talked with them. I know many couples who would never have matched on OKCupid or Tinder, but who’ve been in decades-long relationships because they struck up a conversation at a concert or because one of them was sketching at a coffee shop. This is why meeting people in person through your day to day life is still important; sometimes the guy who would be incredible for you isn’t the person you might expect. Increasing the odds of your getting lucky means taking chances, talking to people who might not be your usual flavor but still seem interesting or intriguing.

The last thing I would suggest is to recognize that the length or type of a relationship isn’t an indicator of its value or importance. As I’m often saying: not every love story is meant to be an epic poem or series of novels. Some are going to be a novella. Some will be a short story. Some may be a dirty limerick. But a relationship isn’t any less meaningful just because it didn’t end with one or both of you dying in the saddle, nor is it a failure because it didn’t last for years. Sometimes Mr. Right is only going to be Mr. Right for a particular period of your life; eventually you or he or both will have outgrown the relationship. That doesn’t mean that it was a waste of your time; it just means that this chapter reached its natural conclusion, and you’re ready to start the next chapter of your love story.

I know it’s rough. I know it can be frustrating. But nobody said it would be easy; just that it would be worth it.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I’ve taken a break from dating for a while, for many reasons (frustration, then pandemic, then rebuilding mental health, then keeping busy, etc.), but I think I’m just about ready to jump back in.

I’m doing the offline things that should put myself out there: I’ve joined some social groups, I’m doing activities that I’m passionate about, and so on. Now I’d like to add dating sites/apps back into the mix.

However, the only dating site I can remember ever finding useful was OkCupid, and that was only before it got Tinderified (reduced to swipe left/right).

Do you mind giving (or linking) a rundown of what the popular apps are at the moment, their pros and cons, and so on?

Thanks!

– Too Many Options On The Dating App Platter

OK, first off, TMO, I’m gonna give you the same speech I give everyone: dating apps are a supplement, not a substitute for meeting people in person. They work best when you remember that all they really are is an introduction service for being put in contact with like-minded singles. Everything else after that is ultimately up to you – the quality of your profile, your ability to convey your best self in a combo of text and pictures and to connect with people over text. There’s no app or subscription tier that is going to help make “Dude With Fish” or “Me and My Truck” more appealing.

I say this because focusing overly much on which apps are hot and which are not is… well, it runs the risk of missing the forest for the trees. Different apps are designed with different audiences and relationship styles in mind. Tinder caters to a different crowd than Hinge, which has some overlap with Bumble but less so with FetLife. Facebook, as of the time of this writing still has its dating service hidden in the mobile app, Plenty Of Fish still hangs out on the fringes, Raya and The League sell themselves on their exclusivity (i.e. “if you have to ask, don’t bother applying”) and of course, OKCupid still has the occasional glimpses of what it used to be… even if the quizzes are gone and the match percentages are far less useful than they were back in the day. And honestly, even then their value was kinda questionable.

The thing is, the popularity of an app doesn’t mean that it’s the right one for you, and the fact that something is the shiny new hotness doesn’t mean that you’re going to find success on there. One of the keys to success on dating apps means knowing what you’re looking for and where you’re most likely to find it. It doesn’t do you much good to get on the current King of Dating Apps if the majority of the user base isn’t a good match for you. Someone who is looking for a kinky partner who wants to tie them up and spank them stupid isn’t likely to find them on eHarmony, while someone who’s more of a serial monogamist isn’t going to have as much success on #open or Feeld as they might on Hinge.

So start off with a basic idea of the kind of relationship you’re looking for. Are you looking to date around casually, trying to find a hook-up or something long term? Are you more of a traditionalist in terms of relationships or are you more likely to want something that is more open and less committed? The more you know about the kind of relationship you want, the better off you’ll be in terms of choosing the right app for you.

Now as for pros and cons… well, that’s harder to quantify. As I said, much of your success is going to come down to your ability to present yourself and connect with others over text. The pros, to my mind, are finding the people most likely to be into what you’re into – finding fellow kinksters on FetLife, gay men looking for dick on demand on Scruff or Grindr and so on.

The cons… well, a lot of the cons are going to be the apps themselves. One of the reasons why Tinder ate everyone’s lunch and took over the industry is that the swipe mechanic ensures that people spend more time on the apps, rather than actually connecting with people. This encourages a lot of shallower decision making, disincentivizing looking at profiles and putting more emphasis on the first pictures in the lineup. Part of why OKCupid was great back in the day – and why Hinge is one of the better options out there – was the ability to show more personality and convey more about yourself, as well as giving people more things to respond to.

Similarly, one of the drawbacks of pretty much any dating app is that – like social media these days – most of them are sorted algorithmically. This means that you have less control over who you see and who sees you; you’re more or less at the mercy of what the coders think would make someone a good match for you or vice versa. Part of the frustration that people experience on the apps is because of the way the algorithm decides who you should see. For all that people try to trick or counter the algorithm, you’re still never entirely sure if you’re not seeing people you’re into because they’re just not on the app, because not enough people swiped right on you or because you’re in a weird algorithmic black hole and can’t get out of it.

(Case in point: Hinge’s suggested matches for me are almost always either gay men or women exclusively looking for women. No, I have no idea why.)

Another issue to consider are the subscription tiers and in-app purchases. Almost every dating app has multiple subscription tiers and paid extras. The problem is that most of the apps’ subscription tiers are designed less to improve your chances and more to eliminate frustrations of the free options. Want to swipe on more than ten people? Well, better pay for the unlimited swiping. Going on vacation and want to see about meeting a special someone while you’re there? If you want to start laying the ground work in advance, better pony up for Passport Swiping. A lot of folks complain about “rose jail” – hiding more conventionally attractive matches behind the paywall and only letting you see the peons who also didn’t want to pay.  

Other paid extras – boosts, Spotlight, Super Likes, etc. – are about either leveraging FOMO or promising to reduce algorithmic interference by ensuring that you’re going to show up in people’s feeds. The actual value of any of it is… well, it’s questionable. Remember what I said about how dating apps are primarily an introduction service? Well, that applies here, too; despite the marketing hype, Super Likes and the rest don’t make up for a lousy profile. It mostly just says that you were willing to spend X amount of money to try to jump the queue.

Now, if it sounds like I’m seriously talking down dating apps… well, that’s because I kinda am. They still have their uses as a supplement, but the line-go-up rot economy has made them a much more miserable experience. Whether or not you believe that Match Group and others cynically just want to syphon money out of your pocket instead of actually helping you find love, the golden age of the dating app seems to have passed. This is why I recommend that if you’re going to use them, you go in with the understanding that they’re not a panacea for loneliness and that throwing money at them is going to be an exercise in rapidly diminishing returns.

Take stock of what kind of relationship you are looking for and which apps are most likely to support meeting people with similar desires and only pay for the subscription tier that offers options that will actually benefit you. Unlimited swiping might be worth the money; extra boosts or passport options likely aren’t.

Good luck.