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First of all, I just want to thank you for being a regular blog reader.
I know that these posts are sometimes provocative (in both good and bad ways), but I greatly appreciate your readership and am always trying to figure out how to do a better job.
Since starting this blog in 2007, I’ve answered hundreds of your questions, clarified my thinking about dating and relationships, and — somehow, some way — became a husband and a father. Hard to believe that this was the same blog that was once called “Advice From a Single Dating Expert,” but, well, there you have it.
We live. We learn.
And in case you didn’t know, most of what I do as a dating coach does NOT take place on this blog. It takes place on my weekly newsletter, which comes out on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Last week, I sent out a survey to my subscribers, just to hear what their most pressing questions were about men and relationships.
The response was overwhelming.
Over 1300 women took the time to fill out my survey last week. What became abundantly clear after, oh, the first 954 responses, was that you’re craving more information, more clarity, more POWER over your own love life.
The #1 thing you want from me — by far – is how to understand men.
That wasn’t a big surprise.
After all, if men were easier to figure out, you’d already be in a healthy relationship, and I’d probably be out of a job.
I’m kidding, of course, but I’m very sympathetic to your frustrations and have made it my top priority to focus my energies on helping you “get” what makes men tick and how you can make better choices with your partners.
Surprising (to me, anyway) was that the second most-important thing to you was “meeting men in real life”. Here’s a sampling of some of your questions:
- Where do you go to meet real men?
- Where are the real men after age 50?
- Where and how do I meet real available men that are close to my age (59)?
- Where can I meet men in the suburbs?
- Where do you meet men besides on-line and bars?
- How can I meet quality men in real life, when my life is so busy?
- Where do attractive, successful 46-year-old divorced women meet men who are 41-50 aside from on-line, a bar, and a gym? Where do guys who are divorced, or successful go? Seems like sophisticated guys go to their club or their boat or places we cannot find them? How can we locate our equals? Just want to find them! I can do the rest if I meet anyone similar to me professionally. Want to meet CEO or C level as that is my level…
Personally, I don’t know the difference between the “real man” of which these women speak and a “fake man”, but I am hearing an outcry for the one place that you can go to meet the man of your dreams.
And I was about to supply a few brilliant options, until I read this response:
- I would love for someone (you?) to stop giving pat answers to “where can I meet a great guy?” like, “join a club!” or “try meetup.com!” or “volunteer!” There has to be other ways, and I feel like every dating expert gives these exact answers every time. I guess I would want you to get a little granular and give more LA-centric answers, because really, LA is different from anywhere else when it comes to dating!
I see.
Out of all the free stuff I offer to you, my next endeavor should be to build a tool so that any woman in any city can plug in her ZIP code and the search engine would spit out the local spot where all the tall, dark, handsome, sophisticated, quality, “real” men are hanging out and giving each other secret handshakes?
Seriously?
There’s no bar or store or city or dating site that has managed to weed out all the losers, liars, chumps and dweebs, thereby preserving only the cream of the crop for your choosing.
Let’s flip this around for a second.
What if a smart, kind, funny, honest, successful man told you that he had a very important question for you that he needs to understand about women.
“So, where do all the young, thin, sexy, witty, optimistic, confident, understanding, self-aware women hang out? There has to be a place because I can’t seem to find a “real” woman who is my equal ANYWHERE!”
What would you say to this poor guy?
“In your dreams.”
“Have you tried Home Depot?”
“I hear some porn stars in the Valley are really sweet.”
“You can hang out in a yoga retreat but most women find it creepy if you hit on them there.”
You know what I’d say to him?
“You’re asking the wrong question.”
There is no one place where all the “quality” women or men hang out.
There’s no bar or store or city or dating site that has managed to weed out all the losers, liars, chumps and dweebs, thereby preserving only the cream of the crop for your choosing.
Quality men are EVERYWHERE. They’re just mixed in with all the rest of the guys out there.
Quality men drive to work.
Quality men play golf and watch football on weekends.
Quality men work 50 hours a week.
But unless you’re going to hitchhike for guys, crash his golf foursome, break into his house or stalk him in his office, you’re simply not meeting him in real life.
You’ve been waiting forever to meet him in real life. Hasn’t happened.
Which is why asking for the location of quality men is the wrong question.
When I said I want to provide advice to you on “meeting men in real life”, it’s not about WHERE you meet them…
It’s about this: “Who am I being that will attract the right kind of man?”
“Who am I being that will attract the right kind of man?”
Put another way, quality men don’t run around asking, “where are all the quality women?”
A quality man puts himself online, he smiles at strangers, he’s friendly at parties, and eventually, he meets women.
Some are great. Some aren’t. That’s the way it goes.
Same goes for you.
So while I’m excited to offer you more coaching and guide you through the dating process, let me make things very clear: don’t waste your time worrying about “where” he is. Worry about what you can control: who are you BEING that will make a guy want to ask you out and fall in love with you wherever you go.
I may joke about some things, but I take this responsibility very seriously.
After reading through every single one of your insightful, heartfelt questions on my survey, all I can say is that I’m honored you trust me with your heart.
I may be a guy, but it’s hard to listen to you and not feel sympathy, as you continually put yourself in harms way and feel like there’s no way to protect yourself.
Although I can’t promise that I will answer all of your questions in my new offering, I assure you that I’m digesting everything you gave me.
Thanks again for your kindness and generosity.
I very much hope I can repay you in some way very soon.
Warmest wishes and much love.
Your friend,
Evan
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www.evanmarckatz.com
