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Have you ever found yourself frustrated at a man’s behavior?
Have you wished that a guy would know intuitively when to comfort you or help you solve your problems?
Have you hoped that he’d figure out when to make weekend plans for you, and when to let you take the reins?
Have you wanted a man to understand what movie you wanted to see, what food you wanted to eat, and when you just want to be left alone?
If so, you’re in great company. It’s amazing when a man is so in sync with your emotions that every button he pushes is the right one.
Except that’s not how life really works, is it?
It’s the strangest thing about relationships, isn’t it?
You can be with an amazing man, yet 50% of the time you find yourself annoyed that he just doesn’t get it.
“No, I don’t want to run errands while you watch football. I want to spend time with you!”
“No, I don’t want to sleep in on Saturday. I’ve got too many things to do!”
“No, I don’t want to visit your Mom for three days. I’d rather schedule my root canal for that weekend than to spend a weekend in her house.”
No one can argue with this. Certainly, you’re entitled to your feelings about how you spend your time.
This is the calculus of being a great partner: when in doubt, give in.
The problem arises when you are generally put your needs above your partner’s needs. Each of the above issues becomes a point of negotiation, where one party (you) has to win, and the other party (him) has to lose.
So if you end up making a big deal about each and every issue, you’re going to have a lot more friction in your life than a woman who prefers to say “Yes.”
My wife is a yes person.
She’s not a doormat, or a simpleton. She has opinions. She has feelings. She has ideas. But, at the end of the day, she fundamentally understands the concept of TEAM. That she could win every little battle so that she always gets what she wants… but the cost of it is a husband who feels consistently emasculated and second-guessed.
This is the calculus of being a great partner: when in doubt, give in.
It might sound awful. After all, you’ve spent WAY too much time giving in to unappreciative men, but I’m telling you: it works.
Don’t think so? Guess what men are taught from the first day we get married?
The only answer to any question from your wife is ‘Yes, Dear.’
It’s true. Men in successful marriages will tell you so. It’s important to keep the wife happy, because happy wife = happy life.
So instead of standing on ceremony and hoping that your man instinctively bends to all of your wishes, try adopting a default setting of “Yes.”
You’ll find that your man is incredibly appreciative at how easy it is to get along with you, which gives you more leverage when you DO choose to speak up about something IMPORTANT.
This is a central message in Why He Disappeared. You can have the most beautiful relationship, simply by flipping your switch to say yes, instead of no.
I know that this message may frustrate you. You already feel like a giver, and you feel like you’re always bending backwards to please. Why can’t HE try to please for once?
I hear you. And I’m on your side.
But first of all, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a man who isn’t a giver. Effort is the most important quality in a man, and if he doesn’t make it, you have every right to leave to find a man who DOES give.
I’m talking about an otherwise healthy, balanced relationship, where you experience a little too much friction. And since you can’t control what your man does, you can control how he reacts to you.
That’s the beauty in saying “yes.”
Withholding your yes’s – refusing to go with the flow – means that you will be at odds every time you two disagree.
Your generosity of spirit sets a tone of giving for your relationship that most right-minded men will want to emulate.
Believe me, we’re aware when we’re being the givers or takers in a relationship, and we don’t feel comfortable running a karma deficit.
So when my wife allows me to take a weekend off from visiting her family, or peacefully accepts when I want to see an action movie, or schedule a guitar lesson during Dancing with the Stars… I am very aware that she’s being generous.
And her “yes-person” attitude pays amazing dividends down the road, like this weekend when she wants to drive 3 hours to say goodbye to her friend who is moving.
Do I want to be there? No. Do I have any reason to say no to my wife? No. She’s always thinking of ways to make me happy; the least I can do is reciprocate.
It’s like magic, really. But it’s based in something very real.
The reality is that we men get a lot of “no” in our lives. Having a partner who delights in pleasing sets the tone for your man to be the same kind of partner.
Withholding your yes’s – refusing to go with the flow – means that you will be at odds every time you two disagree.
What a miserable way to live life!
You may think you’re “winning” by putting your foot down, but actually, you’re killing your own relationship. How can your man function when he is constantly told that he’s wrong every time he disagrees with you?
It’s easy to come to the conclusion that the second you become a “yes person” is the second that your man takes advantage of your generosity and exploits it.
But I think that’s a real cynical view.
The enlightened view is that you can make every man love and appreciate you, just by saying “yes” a lot more than you say “no.”
The enlightened view is that you can make every man love and appreciate you, just by saying “yes” a lot more than you say “no.”
So, the next time you’re out with a man, try saying “yes” to whatever he suggests (within reason, of course!).
I am confident that he’ll be delighted at how much fun you are, and instantly want to make plans to see you again.
That’s how you BOTH win in the game of love.
It costs you nothing and is highly effective in getting the results you want: the devotion of a good man.
To learn more about how to make men want to commit to you, check out the last section of Why He Disappeared, which details what causes men to flee from relationships.
You may have the best intentions, but if you don’t understand what he’s thinking, it’s impossible to turn things around.
There are plenty of good men out there. Being a yes-person is the best way to make sure that they stick around.
And since most men are used to being with women who say “no,” I promise you will be a very refreshing change of pace for any new man.
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