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“I can’t help what I’m attracted to!”
If I had a dollar for the number of women who have said that to me, well, let’s just say I’d be writing this from Tahiti, not Los Angeles.
And I can’t disagree with you: attraction is NOT a choice.
Yet if the very thing you’re attracted to never leads to the relationship of your dreams, don’t you think it may be wise to make some adjustments?
I think so.
You’d make adjustments if you didn’t feel good about your body on January 1st.
You’d make adjustments if you were only looking for jobs on Monster.com and it never got you a job.
You’d make adjustments if you alienated your co-workers and wanted to feel better from 9-5 every day.
We’re constantly making adjustments in life.
Except in one arena.
You’d make adjustments if you didn’t feel good about your body on January 1st.
Should it be any news that it’s the one arena in which you struggle the most?
And a big reason you struggle to connect with men is because you’re so bright.
I hear ya.
Like many of you, I’m a bit of an intellectual snob. I read voraciously. I like to discuss weighty issues. I know a little bit about a lot and can pretty much hold my own in any cocktail party conversation.
You want to know something else about me?
I’m a know-it-all.
I’m difficult.
I’m moody.
I’m opinionated as hell.
I’m a workaholic.
I’m an egomaniac.
I always want things my way.
Now before you decide that you hate me, I’d like you to consider two things:
First, does that description remind you of any of the men you’ve dated in the past?
If so, it shouldn’t be much of a surprise.
That’s the thing about really smart guys. They live in their heads. They’re somewhat tortured. They know what they’re worth. They have enough information and ammunition to be impossible to argue with. They can be endlessly fascinating and even more frustrating.
You’ve seen this yourself MANY times.
And yet you still say you want a man who is smarter than you are.
Hmmm…
Sounds like a pretty exhausting relationship, doesn’t it?
Sounds like the price you pay for dating a great conversationalist is pretty steep, huh?
On one side, you get a brilliant, stimulating mind, which really turns you on…
On the other you get a narcissistic, difficult, self-obsessed, coldly logical man who is much more concerned with ideas than feelings, and much more concerned with himself than with you.
Once again… Hmmm…
Before I forget, there was one other thing I wanted you to consider:
You will STILL be attracted to geniuses, but you now know that they do not make for a good fit in your life. Never have. Never will.
Very smart. Know-it-all. Difficult. Moody. Short-tempered. Opinionated. Workaholic. Egomaniac. Judgmental. Always want things your way.
Does that describe anybody else besides those brilliant men you’re drawn to?
It certainly describes my clients. And I wouldn’t be all that shocked if it somewhat described you as well.
And when two people who are that smart, that opinionated, and that strong-willed get together, it should obvious that sparks will fly — and tensions will mount.
So while I’m not judging you for being just like I am — I AM pointing out to you that if you insist that you can ONLY be attracted to men who are smarter than you, you are relegating yourself to less than 2% of the population (before we consider things like looks, height, money, religion, humor, charm, attraction, values, etc.)
Moreover, you’re relegating yourself to a man who is NOT A GOOD FIT FOR YOU.
And therefore, it doesn’t matter if you’re attracted to only MENSA men.
The key to your future successful relationships is going to come in opening up to smart guys without all the baggage that comes from being brilliant and driven.
That does NOT mean that you are going to find yourself with a man who has never read a newspaper, who has no interest in foreign travel, or who can’t keep up with you and your friends.
It does mean that you need to accept men who are not in the 98th percentile of intelligence, and recognize that there are plenty of amazing, bright, relationship-oriented men who may not be smarter than you.
It’s not all or nothing.
We compromise on things every single day.
Your job isn’t perfect. You put up with it for 10 hours a day.
Your friends and family aren’t perfect. You put up with them for the rest of the time.
And yet you still hold your boyfriend to a ridiculous standard, as if a man who went to a state school and doesn’t watch Sunday morning political talk shows is a dullard.
I know, I know.
You can’t help what you’re attracted to.
Me either.
But I spent the first 35 years of my life chasing women who were just like me — the smartest women in the room. And I put up with the same things that you have to deal with from men — selfishness, difficulty, self-righteousness and so on.
I married a woman who was smart — who gets every joke, who knows about Shakespeare and classical music, who has definite opinions about Israel/Palestine — but she’s not necessarily in the 98th percentile of intellectual curiosity.
And you know what?
It feels GREAT.
Because most of our lives are not spent discussing the finer points of Proust, or the best way to fix the 2-party system, or the science behind String Theory… our time is usually spent talking about fixing up the house, raising our daughter, planning our next vacation, figuring out what we’re going to have for dinner, etc.
Thus, my wife doesn’t HAVE to be like me — because we’re great together.
So if you believe in self-help, if you’ve read books about spirituality, if you’ve gone to shrinks and taken weekend seminars, and yet you still think your husband has to be on the exact same wavelength as you?
Sorry.
He doesn’t.
He just has to respect you. And you have to respect him.
My wife hasn’t done any of that personal growth stuff and you know what?
She’s happy. Better than that, she’s CONTENT.
Have you ever been with a brilliant guy who is, at heart, a miserable person?
I’ll bet you have.
And I’ll bet you’d do it again — hoping for a different ending this time.
Once again, there’s no different ending.
Brilliant men tend to be bad partners. You’ve seen this numerous times.
So, from now on, you’re going to discover the virtues of smart, kind, thoughtful, generous, easygoing, commitment-oriented men.
You will STILL be attracted to geniuses, but you now know that they do not make for a good fit in your life. Never have. Never will.
You CAN get the relationship you want; just not with the man you always thought you wanted.
Trust me, the reality is FAR better than the fantasy.
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