[ad_1]
Estimated reading time: 10 minutes
Hello Doctor,
First of all, I am French so don’t mind my English I hope I will be understandable.
I am in a very happy relationship with the best boyfriend I could ever imagine. but for about a month now I am scared of cheating. let me explain. I have a regular life and I do not interact with any man in particular except my boyfriend but I am so scared of cheating and I don’t even understand why.
I can no longer watch tv shows that talk about cheating because it triggers me. same when my friend talk to me about their sex like and how they are having fun with multiple partners it triggers me because I have this thought ” what if I was doing that ?” and I feel so bad after that. I’ve talk about it to my boyfriend and he tells me that’s its’s not a big deal and that it’s okay to have fantasy that my brain in my own and that he loves me and he knows that I love him, but I am still scared. Please help me, I’m going crazy.
Thank you.
Bad Thoughts No Biscuit
First, let me give my standard disclaimer: despite the name, Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor, and absolutely should not be relied on for medical advice of any sort.
What you’re describing are what are known as “intrusive thoughts”. These are involuntary and usually unwanted thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere, with no prompting, no reason and no rhyme.
One of the things that makes intrusive thoughts so deeply unpleasant are how often they’re about unwelcome or disturbing topics – the thoughts are often about taboo subjects or deal with upsetting ideas like deliberately causing harm or something awful happening to someone you care about.
An example that many people may be familiar with is what’s known as “the call of the void” – the sudden and inexplicable feeling of being pulled or compelled to jump when you’re atop a high place, like a building or a canyon. It’s not something you actually want to do, but a sudden, unbidden urge. If you’re not used to it or you’ve never experienced it before, it can be incredibly unnerving because it feels so external to you.
The thing about intrusive thoughts – and part of why they’re so upsetting – is because they’re often the complete opposite of who we are. Someone may have an intrusive thought about “what if I kicked my puppy out into traffic” and be horrified; they absolutely don’t want to do that and don’t know where the hell that came from. Others may have thoughts about self harm or doing something illegal – “what if I were to swipe funds from the petty cash at work” – or other negative thoughts or imagined scenarios that would hurt them or cause harm to ourselves or others.
The good news is that intrusive thoughts are just that: thoughts. They’re not indicators of secret desires or plans to do something horrific, nor are they a sign of some deep moral failing or trouble within a relationship. They’re random neurons, firing in a way that make us go “What the actual fuck, brain?”
Why we have them and what triggers them is more of a mystery. It’s generally accepted by the medical community that these tend to be tied to anxiety and are more likely to occur during periods of high levels of stress. They’re also frequently co-morbid with mental health conditions like CPTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and others. Interestingly, a recent study seems to indicate a correlation between anxiety, intrusive thoughts and adults with ADHD.
So, no, you’re not going crazy. You’re experiencing an uncomfortable form of the ways our brains can do weird things, but it’s fairly common and the only material harm they cause is the stress they induce when we have them.
But how do you stop them? Well… that part’s tricky, since the triggers for these thoughts tend to vary from person to person. However, there are some fairly well documented ways to manage those intrusive thoughts.
First is to not focus on the thoughts themselves. Now, I realize this is very similar to saying “don’t think of a purple elephant”; as soon as you try to not think about those thoughts, they’re the only thing in your head. However, intrusive thoughts are like fire; feed them and they continue. Starve them and they go out. So, rather than trying to force the thought away, you want to just shift what you’re paying attention to.
Mindfulness meditation can be helpful here, as it teaches you how to not be distracted by every stray thought that passes through your head. Rather than giving your attention to them and causing them to stick around, you simply let it flow through you unimpeded, while you choose to redirect your attention back to what you wanted to concentrate on.
Let’s say that you’re at work and your supervisor comes by to ask about a report you’re working on. Suddenly, you’re having thoughts about peeling his clothes off of him, knowing that your boyfriend would be heartbroken and devastated to learn that you were banging your boss. Rather than trying to force yourself to not think, what you do is to mentally notice that you’re having this thought, name it – “oh, that’s just an obnoxious intrusive thought about my boss” – and then gently redirect your attention elsewhere… in this case, back to the report you were writing.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – a form of talk therapy – is especially good at dealing with intrusive or unwelcome thoughts. It becomes a way of picking those anxieties apart, figuring out triggers and helping you identify and challenge the thoughts in a way that defangs them and makes them less distressing. Even a self-directed CBT exercise can be immensely helpful at reducing the frequency and the distress of intrusive thoughts.
Another thing to do is to focus less on the symptom and address the source, instead. Since intrusive thoughts are correlated to anxiety, dealing with the anxiety, rather than the thoughts, tends to work well. One of the first things I would suggest when you’re feeling anxious is to focus on your breathing. Simply breathe in slowly, to the count of four, hold your breath for another four count, then exhale to the count of four. The 4-4-4 breathing exercise will slow your heart rate and gives you something to focus your mind on, instead of what’s bothering you.
There are other variations of this exercise, including the 4-7-8 method; the exact number is less important than just the act of focusing and controlling your breath and making sure you’re breathing in a slow, calm and controlled manner.
Exercise is also very helpful in dealing with anxiety. The anxiety-busting benefits of cardiovascular exercise are very well documented; the combination of physical movement, increased oxygen intake and blood flow helps reduce stress and anxiety and ultimately helps calm a racing brain. Even a nice, brisk walk will help cut your anxiety levels and reduce the frequency of intrusive thoughts.
Finally: challenge the thoughts themselves. Reminding yourself that these are just thoughts, that you have agency and can make choices of your own free will goes a long way towards defanging the thoughts. When you remember that these are just random neurons firing in the brain and you can choose not to act on them, you take away their power to affect you. After all – while the idea is unpleasant, it’s still predicated on your taking action. Remembering that you choose not to do those things and that you won’t do them is a reminder that you aren’t at the mercy of every single thing that floats through your head… no matter how distressing.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I am writing to ask for advice. My friend recently discovered that her live in boyfriend of two years was hiding $55k of credit card debt. He barely contributes to household expenses and is not forthcoming of the details or amounts of his debt. He does consume alcohol and vape, for which my friend has asked him to stop several times. She’s asking for my advice, and I want to be fair and realistic. Can you help?
Not Saying He’s A Gold Digger
I have questions, NSHGD – the first being “what is he spending his money on?”, with the the second being “how the pluperfect fuck did he rack up FIFTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS in credit card debt without the card companies shutting his cards off until he paid up?”
Honestly, I would be a bit worried about how the hell he’s been able to reach that level in secret, without the knock-on effects showing up somewhere.
Is he one of the last bag-holders who thinks that his memestonk will take off when the MOASS hits? Does he think his NFTs will be worth something again once everyone comes to their senses? Did he assume that he could make it as a professional poker player and just kept throwing money at it until he realized vaping and drinking cost less and did more?
But honestly, the hows and whys – assuming that your friend isn’t going to have a couple of loan sharks knocking on her door and his knees – are a little less important than what to do about it.
So… you know how I’m regularly saying “Dr. NerdLove is not a doctor”? Well… Dr. NerdLove is not an accountant or financial expert either, and absolutely shouldn’t be relied upon for financial advice. With that in mind…
Your friend’s boyfriend reminds me a little of the ex-husband of a friend of mine. He had a blue-collar job that paid very well… and yet he was apparently always broke – despite making a living wage and (supposedly) sharing in the household finances, he was constantly living paycheck to paycheck. It was a mystery precisely where his money was going since the only things he ever seemed to spend it on were weed, cigarettes, scratch-off cards and beer. But not only was his paycheck gone almost as soon as he got it, but he was neck deep in debt.
When my friend finally had enough and realized she needed to leave him, the first thing she sat down and tried to figure out whether she could afford to divorce him. After going through the bills and double checking who was paying for what, she realized that she was, in fact, paying for everything except his car insurance and his beer and smokes habit… so divorcing him would actually reduce her monthly bills. And, thankfully, since her name was on everything important and they maintained separate accounts, his financial shenanigans didn’t negatively affect her.
Now, I bring this all up to say: your friend should double and triple check that everything she’s paying for is in her name, and her name alone. She should also, under no circumstances, cosign on anything with him, co-mingle her finances or any assets she may hold with his, nor – and I’m not kidding here – get married. The financial drain of living with him is bad enough; she doesn’t want her credit rating get tied up with his, nor find herself even vaguely responsible for his debts in any way, shape or form.
The bare minimum of what she should do is to make sure that she’s insulated from his financial chicanery; her boyfriend may not realize it yet, but he’s a sinking ship, and she doesn’t want to go down with him. But that’s a temporary measure at best.
While I don’t believe someone needs to be financial wizard, make a certain income or debt free to be in a relationship, it sounds like your friend’s beaux is seriously irresponsible with money. That tends to be a warning sign about whether somebody is going to be a good partner. Sure, the plagues that are medical and college debt (among other things) often leave people saddled with five and six figure debt… that’s usually not something people try to hide and it’s certainly not something that’s usually carried entirely on credit cards.
(And also, considering the APR on credit debt, it would be a very stupid way to try to manage it.)
If her boyfriend was carrying the secret debt, not paying into the household bills but was contributing in other material ways – doing the household chores, cooking, maintenance, etc. – then I could see the value in having a very serious talk about this, including possibly insisting on his going to seek credit counseling. However, the secrecy around the debt, the lack of contributing to their shared living space and the rest makes it sound like the better option would be to push this particular anchor overboard before he takes her down with him.
From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like he’s in good working order, and the drain he presents isn’t being balanced in any meaningful way that would make their relationship feel equitable. Considering the potential financial risk he presents and the damage it could do if her credit and finances are in any way tied to his? I think the best thing she could do is kick him to the curb and find someone who’s not carrying new-luxury-car levels of mystery debt and who actually shares equitably in the maintenance of the relationship and their home.
Here’s to hoping your friend listens to you.
Good luck.
[ad_2]
www.doctornerdlove.com
