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Dear Dr. NerdLove:
What does it mean when my sex drive dries up with every new partner?
I’m 34 years old, straight male, and this has been a consistent problem in all my relationships for as long as I can remember. Almost every time I’m in a relationship with someone, I follow the same pattern. I start off crazy about them and we can’t keep our hands off one another and I feel like maybe this is going to be the one that breaks the cycle.
It never happens like that and my desire for them just goes away. Sometimes it tapers off, other times it feels like a switch got flipped and I’m just not interested in sex with them any more. I find myself making excuses or trying to put off having sex with them when they offer and if I try to get things going for their sake I usually end up unable to finish with them and have to do it myself later, or I can’t even get aroused in the first place and have to resort to using my hands. Eventually we break up because the sex just isn’t there and the stress of it makes us resent each other. But I can still get things going for porn or other women, so I don’t think it’s just standard ED.
I don’t know why this keeps happening. I worry that maybe I’m getting into relationships with the wrong people or committing too soon or maybe I’m just not as in love with them as I thought? I don’t think I’m dating people I’m not attracted to otherwise; all of my exes have been gorgeous and sexy to me when we start dating. But then the switch flips and I can see they’re hot but I just… can’t and we break up. I don’t know why.
Is there something wrong with me? What should I be doing to try to keep my desire for my partners? Should I just start expecting this and just stay with the relationship and hope things spark back up again?
Please help, I’m getting so tired of all of my relationships ending the same way and I’m afraid I’m going to end up never finding something lifelong.
Losing Out On Love
This isn’t an emotional issue so much as a psychological and biological one, LOOL. What you’re experiencing is what’s known as The Coolidge Effect – where sexual desire for another person tapers off after a period of time.
In the early days of having sex with a new partner, we experience what’s frequently referred to as “new relationship energy”, where everything is incredible, we’re unspeakably aroused by our partner and we’re determined to test the structural integrity of every flat surface in the house by banging out on it like a pair of methed out weasels in a sack. This honeymoon period is triggered by the massive production of oxytocin and dopamine flooding the pleasure centers of our brains when we’re having sex with this new person; we are literally getting high from fucking them and vice versa.
But that doesn’t last; over time, as we get acclimated to this new partner, we start to produce less and less of the happy chemicals when we bang and so we don’t get the same high from it. But when we start having sex with a new partner, those chemicals surge again to those intoxicating levels.
This is something that’s present in most mammals, but it’s rather significant in humans because we’re one of the few mammals that mate outside of estrus and have sex for reasons besides procreation. We’re also the only ones that ascribe meaning and morality to it.
Pretty much everybody feels that drop off from the days of the honeymoon period of the relationship. You can blame humanity’s intense adaptability; we’re able to get used to literally anything. Hedonic adaptation means that things that bring us intense pleasure eventually just become our status quo – as Billy Bob Thornton once inelegantly said: “she can be the sexiest woman in the world, but eventually it’s like fucking the couch”.
(In fairness: that’s one sexy goddamn couch.)
Now, for some, the drop off is notable, but not dire. In others, it’s fairly significant. You seem to be one of the latter. This doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person or that you don’t love your partners or that you don’t desire them. It just means that you’re someone who needs a lot of sexual variety and novelty… and that’s going to be pretty incompatible with a standard monogamous commitment.
As you’ve noticed: trying to force your way past it doesn’t really work. You’re not happy and your partners aren’t happy, especially since it can feel like a judgement on your feelings for them or their attractiveness rather than just how you’re wired. Trying to pretend it’s not happening or that you’re going through a down patch is ultimately just putting off the inevitable, and that just ends up making things worse for everyone.
This is one of those times where the best thing you can do is accept that this is who you are and lean into it. In practice, this may mean that you recognize you’re someone who’s only open to short term relationships, or embracing a form of ethical non-monogamy and dating women who are equally open to non-monogamy. A lot of people who have similar experiences to yours, where their desire for their partner fades rapidly in a monogamous relationship, find that having a wider variety of sexual outlets and partners simultaneously actually preserves their relationships. Because they have a greater degree of sexual novelty, they don’t lose their desire for their partners at the same rate or to the same degree. This also means that their partners don’t feel neglected or rejected, since they’re also able to get their needs met – with you and with their other partners.
If you’re not someone who can do non-monogamy or polyamory and you want a long term relationship, then you’re going to have to adjust what you’re looking for. If the sex is always going to fade and you’re not willing to look to outside partners, then your best option would be to choose partners and relationships where your connection isn’t about sex as much as companionship, intimacy, respect and shared affection. A lot of people do choose companionate marriages, where sex simply isn’t an important part of why they stay together. But as a man in his mid-30s with a healthy sex drive – and yes, this is healthy, just inconvenient – that may not work for you; this would entail giving up sex entirely after the initial NRE fades.
Now I do want to point out: one relationship isn’t superior or more meaningful to another, just because it could be measured in years or decades, rather than weeks or months. Short term relationships can be incredibly rich, rewarding and meaningful, too; the quality of the relationship is down to the people involved, not its longevity.
But if you’re looking for both an active sex life and a life-long commitment to another person? You’re going to need to accept that you’re not someone who can do monogamy long-term and focus your energy on finding partners who are open to some form of non-monogamy, whether it’s the occasional hall pass to hook up with another person or having multiple concurrent relationships.
Again: this is normal. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, that you don’t love your partners, that you’re not working hard enough or that you’re not attracted to them. It’s just the way you’re wired. You can fight against it, or you can accept that it’s who you genuinely are and roll with it. And the latter is going to make you much happier, especially in the long run.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I am recovering from a narcissistic relationship. I am also in recovery from substance abuse. Can he sue me for anything if I talk about him in a group? We all know these groups are supposed to be anonymous but in small circles…and it is no secret who my ex is. I am not trying to share for attention. In fact, I am humiliated. I am trying to learn how to let go. How to love myself again.
I still feel like I owe it to him to let him know that I will be sharing and what I intend to share. Of course he looks terrible. I am learning where my part is too. I would swear/promise on a stack of bibles, balanced on my Mother’s head that this is not for spite. I desperately want to move on. I wish I could hate him.
Am I kidding myself of my motives? Is it fair to give him an idea of what I will be sharing about him…I only want to know for legal purposes. I dropped a restraining order against him. Is it a violation to give him a letter with the outline of this group and what my part will be in it? I don’t want to feel like I owe him anything. I don’t. I just don’t need to look like a fool and get in trouble over it when I just want to do what is right for me and my daughters. Thank you.
Not So Anonymous
I’m sure you’ve seen my standard disclaimer that Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor, NSA. Well, we’re going to add to that: Dr. NerdLove is emphatically not a lawyer either, despite the sheer volume of Law and Order reruns I’ve consumed over my lifetime. So I am emphatically not the person to ask for legal advice. The only advice that I could give you about whether your ex could sue you is that someone who’s suitably motivated could probably find a lawyer to draw up a lawsuit about literally anything.
Whether it would actually stand up in court is another matter… but the stress and the expense of dealing with even a bullshit suit can be significant.
So I would strongly suggest that you direct any legal questions to an lawyer, not a loudmouth with an advice column. But there is something in your letter that’s within my remit…
Let me ask you something, NSA: why are you thinking of telling your ex, your abuser, that you’re planning on talking about him in recovery?
To start with the obvious: outlining the group and your participation in it kinda violates the whole “anonymous” part of the equation… and not just your anonymity. Your telling him about this runs the risk of not just revealing your participation in the group, but others’, too. Everyone in a substance addiction recovery program has the right to decide who does or doesn’t get to know about their journey. Your telling him could end up exposing other people as well, and that’s deeply unfair and shitty of you to do so. That may not be what you intend, but intentions, as the saying goes, aren’t magic, and consequences don’t change just because that wasn’t what you intended.
This could end up causing issues in the lives of people who have nothing to do with you or your ex, leading to consequences that could be devastating for them, despite having done nothing to bring it on themselves.
For their sake alone, I’d say you shouldn’t be reaching out to your ex with details about what you plan to say in recovery.
Is it possible that someone in the group might reach out and betray you to him, since folks would know who your ex is? Sure, it’s possible – people have violated the anonymity of celebrities in rehab and recovery, so there’s no reason to believe they wouldn’t do so to someone who was fame-adjacent. But that’s not something you can control. You’d be better off talking to the group lead or your sponsor about the possibility than to try to preempt it yourself with an – and I can’t stress this enough – incredibly ill-advised letter.
But more importantly: why, in pluperfect fuckery, are you thinking of having any contact with him at all? What are you hoping to have happen by telling him that you’re going to drop deets in group? Are you hoping that the threat of being exposed will do… something? Make him feel bad? Cause him to have consequences for his actions? Prod him to apologize? Change his ways, lest people find out he’s an abusive shitbag?
Spoiler alert: none of that is going to happen. If anything, this runs the risk of making things worse. Narcissists rarely take well to pushback like this, and they especially don’t like it when their victims try to control their own narrative. Telling him that you’re going to talk about him could well trigger another cycle of abuse and efforts at controlling and punishing you… including possibly inciting him to sue you just for the sake of inflicting pain, even if his lawsuit is tossed out.
Quite frankly, having any contact with him, even if it’s just a letter in the mail is a mistake. Giving him even the slightest opening or means of contacting you is giving him an invitation to worm his way back into your life. He already knows your weak points and what buttons to push. If you give him an inch, he’s going to take a mile and you’re going to have a much harder time getting rid of him again.
You owe him nothing. You broke up with him and you left. That’s the end of it. If you want closure, you have to give it to yourself. If you want him to understand what he did wrong… well, you can wish for it with all your heart, but it’s not going to happen. You’re not going to be the bullet that pierces his defense. Contacting him at all has no upside for you, just downsides.
There really is only one way to deal with your ex here, and that’s to cut him off entirely. No contact means precisely that: no contact. You don’t email him, you don’t send him physical mail, you don’t keep him on social media; you take the nuclear option and cut all ties, all means he has of reaching you. If you want what’s best for you and your daughters, that’s keeping him as far away and out of your life as possible.
Keep the wall separating him from you high, thick and impregnable. You worked hard enough to get away from this guy, NSA. Don’t ruin that by giving him an opportunity to worm his way back into your life.
And ask a lawyer about what he might try and what you can do about it.
Good luck.
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