Why Do Men Feel Like I’m Using Them For Sex?

Hello Evan. I have a quick question for you. I have been single for many years now and have tried online dating on and off and been on lots of first dates, many 1-3 dates and a few weekends away. What I don ´t get is that most guys end the dating process with saying: “I let myself go too quickly, you are just using me and taking advantage of me and you just want me for sex.” I have heard this quite a lot and I never understood, they never explained themselves fully and it left a bittersweet taste. Why should any guy feel used by me, if I have never asked anything from them? I pay my own share on dates, movies, food, drinks, etc., even the petrol for their car if we travel together. I have never asked anyone to commit to me, marry me or have a family with me. I make it clear from the start that I have been single for pretty much all my life and that I need my space. I never play games and as long as I am into them I respond to their approaches very positively. I share with them my positive thoughts and emotions about them, make them little gifts, pay them lots of compliments, am quite cheery and fun and smiling often, and very playful in bed. I just don ´t understand why somebody would feel used by me when I actually feel like I am giving way too much. Please help.

Thanks,
Alena

Alena,

Something about your post doesn’t add up.

You don’t own any flaws about yourself.

All you know is that you’re repeatedly getting the same confusing feedback from men — and it doesn’t register with you. Allow me to explain as best I can, with what limited information I have — given that I don’t know you as an individual, only what you revealed in your email to me.

It seems to me that you have two major issues that are leading men to draw this conclusion.

• 1. You’re acting like a man.

2. You’re invulnerable (i.e. acting like a man)

And because men generally don’t like dating other men, they’re passing you up.

Let’s take the “you’re acting like a man” piece first.

It’s always dicey to talk about “men” and “women” as monoliths. I know that there is a spectrum of behavior for both genders and that most people have both masculine and feminine energy. However, that doesn’t mean that there’s no value to stereotypes for our purposes.

You’ve taken the “cool girl” thing so far that your behavior reminds men of other men.

Does this paragraph sound like a man or a woman?

“I pay my own share on dates, movies, food, drinks, etc., even the petrol for their car if we travel together. I have never asked anyone to commit to me, marry me or have a family with me. I make it clear from the start that I have been single for pretty much all my life and that I need my space. I never play games and as long as I am into them I respond to their approaches very positively. I share with them my positive thoughts and emotions about them, make them little gifts, pay them lots of compliments, am quite cheery and fun and smiling often, and very playful in bed.”

There’s no value judgment implicit on either gender if we point out that the person who is perpetually single, pays, has no needs, and needs space sounds somewhat like a typical guy. Thus, you’ve taken the “cool girl” thing so far that your behavior reminds men of other men.

This isn’t “bad” or “wrong,” but from your email, I think we can both conclude that this behavior is “ineffective.” Men are not feeling emotionally connected to you — and their only way of describing it is by saying that they feel “used” by you.

Sounds a LOT like the kind of things that women say about successful, busy, charming men who act perfectly nice, pay for the dates, have sex, and don’t seem to have any emotional needs beyond that. Which brings us to point #2.

While no one likes someone who is weak, needy and chronically insecure, most of us respond extremely well to authentic displays of vulnerability. The person who seems to have it all together is a cold fish, intimidating, inhuman, and confusing to the rest of us humans.

Although it may be useful to be independent and not to “need a man,” this is also the crux of why men are leaving you. Men want to be needed.

The choice is yours: keep exerting masculine energy and wondering why men don’t feel good around you, or let a man make an effort for you, appreciate him, and let him into your life.

And if you pay, you plan, you have sex, you make gifts, you pay lots of compliments, and you don’t express any desire for something more meaningful, guess what? You’re the guy in the relationship.

The only man who is going to stick around is a feminine man who is so passive that he needs to be courted by you.

The rest of men are going to look for women that they can pay for, compliment, win over, and feel important with.

The choice is yours: keep exerting masculine energy and wondering why men don’t feel good around you, or let a man make an effort for you, appreciate him, and let him into your life.