Why Do Men Find Me Too Scary To Date?

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I am a forty-something woman who has had (and still enjoys!) a very intense and independent life… but this seems to make me too “scary” (or should I say impressive/unusual/…weird?) to date for men my age:

I speak five languages, I have lived in several countries and have a master’s degree, I am a decent swimmer and sailor, and I have a prosthetic leg which I usually keep visible because I do not mind it at all (it is a symbol of my resilience). In daily life I enjoy reading and learning to play the French horn as well as thinking up random stuff and fooling around with tools (rest assured, the missing leg is not a consequence of power tools). My looks are nonconventional: I wear my hair in a mohawk and have a tattoo on my upper arm. I enjoy cleanliness and sober (utilitarian) elegance and I refuse to wear makeup. My body type is athletic and I tend to smile a lot because life is good and so are the majority of people… even though many still have doubts about that.

Many guys’ first reaction to me would be something like “Wow, she’s a strong woman and I like her smile!”, and as soon as they find out about all of what I do: “Yikes! Ehm…I think I have to walk my cousin’s dog now, so bye!” Only the older and more well traveled men seem to not be frightened by me. Or often I get those male friends who after awhile fall in love and then have to be turned down because “So sorry, but I’m just not into you as a romantic partner.”

What is happening here? I don’t brag about my lifestyle (I dislike bragging) but I’m not ready to tone things down either just to preserve a man’s idea of self worth… Can’t a girl just be her quirky self and get away with that?
It would be nice to finally encounter a mentally sound and interesting man who is able to take care of himself…and especially: who is entirely OK with me being me.

Just Too Much

There’re a few angles to this question, JTM, and it’s worth looking at each of them in turn.

First and foremost: one of the eternal truths about dating is that it’s a numbers game. Many times when we’re trying to decide who we might want to date, we’re working from limited (and sometimes inaccurate) information. We only have a sliver of data to work from – outward appearance, immediate social circle, external signs of interests and lifestyle – and many times we guess wrong.

This is especially true with dating apps, where you’re much more likely to get false positives. There’re a lot of reasons for this, but first and foremost is the fact that as a species, we’re wired for face to face communication. There’s a lot of factors that dictate who we are or aren’t attracted to – or who we do or don’t find ourselves compatible with, for that matter – that simply can’t be quantified, detected or experienced online. These are qualities that can only be determined when we’re in physical proximity with others, and we aren’t even always consciously aware of when we’re experiencing them. Videos, voice prompts or Skype calls can’t convey the subtleties of how somebody smells or tastes when we kiss them, nor about the way they stand, sit, move or interact with others. So, even when you’re digging on somebody’s pics and you have great chemistry in the chat, you can still meet up in person and discover that you’ve gotten a false positive.

Second of all – and a corollary to the first: a lot of folks will miss or ignore things that one would think are rather critically important.

don’t pay a lot of attention to information in people’s profiles… even information that might be rather important. Multiple trans friends of mine have told me about conservative Christians, TERFs and other likeminded folks who somehow missed the fact that the person they were messaging was, in fact, trans. Even when it was mentioned prominently in multiple parts of their profile. Similarly, poly people have gone on dates with folks who somehow missed that not only they were poly but partnered – often with a spouse or nesting partner. So, there will often be people who are interested in the match in their head, and are incredibly surprised by the person who’s sitting across the cafe table from them.

Now, in both of these cases, there’s not terribly much that you can do besides ensure that you don’t waste too much of your time. This is why I’m a big proponent of, not just getting communication off the app as soon as possible, but to meet in person as soon as is reasonable. If chemistry and attraction can’t truly be measured until you’re actually in the same space as one another, then it’s better to do just that before you invest your time or emotions in someone who may well be a false positive. I find that a pre-date date – or a due-diligence date or any other cute name you may care to coin – is handy: meeting up for a brief (15 – 20 minutes) cup of coffee or snack to see if there’s mutual interest. In a worst case scenario, you find out they’re not your particular flavor and you’re only out fifteen minutes and the price of a latte. This is a considerably lower investment than dinner and drinks or a multi-hour date, and it helps ensure that you know if this someone worth continuing to see… before you’ve talked yourself into being into them long before you ever met.

Third: there are benefits to being strongly flavored. When it comes to dating, a lot of people focus on appealing to the broadest possible audience, in hopes of maximizing their potential matches and dates. And while broad appeal has its advantages, broad appeal tends to be shallow appeal. When someone is generically hot in ways that correspond with conventional tastes, then there’s less to make them stand out; they are, in many ways, interchangeable with other folks who are attractive in that same generic way. There may be things that draw folks to them when their dates get to know them… but there’s not as much there to entice someone to stay and find out. Not when they could just roll on to the next equally generically attractive person who might give them what they want immediately.

Being strongly flavored – or polarizing, quirky, unusual, unconventional or any other term you may care to use – actually works in your favor. As the saying goes: you don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey. There are benefits to being an acquired taste. Just as very few people like beer or whiskey when they first try it, once they acquire the taste for it, it becomes  something they love. So it is with dating; you may not be to everybody’s taste, the folks who are into you are really into you. While this may cut down on the total number of matches or dates you go on, it means that you’re much more likely to find folks who are into your specific flavor. When it comes to dating, you want someone who feels strongly about you, not someone who feels like you’re just alright, or that they could take or leave you. Especially if you’re looking for something committed and long term.

Fourth: you want someone who’s worthy of you. One of the mistakes that a lot of people make when it comes to dating is that they focus entirely too much on gaining the approval of others. The guys approaching women, for example, who think they have to “prove” that women should be into them because of their car, job, bank account or whatever, are too focused on trying to impress a stranger. What they rarely ask is whether this person is worth their time. After all, it doesn’t do any good for, say, someone who’s a comic artist to try to match with somebody who thinks comics are stupid or who looks at their hobbies and interests with disdain. Nor do you want to try to win over someone, only to find out that politically, they’re awful.

So it is with the guys you want to date, JTM. Do you really want to date someone who doesn’t have the fortitude to handle your awesomeness, or who thinks that your uniqueness and accomplishments somehow minimize them? Do you want to make yourself smaller, just so that you don’t accidentally tread on the metaphorical toes of someone who can’t handle your full glory? Do you want to have to force yourself into an ill-fitting mold for the benefit of people who would laugh in your face if you asked them to tone down their accomplishments? Or would you rather find the Steve Trevor to your Wonder Woman, someone who’s able to see your incredibleness and not be intimidated or minimized by it?

Fifth: there’re a lot of folks out there who think they want something in theory, but can’t handle it in practice. There’re a lot of folks , f’rex, who think they want to date particular women – whether they’re models, club girls, actresses, strippers, celebrities or any other women in high demand – until they actually do so. That’s when they realize what they want was the fantasy of dating them, not the reality. The guy who wants to date a stripper often doesn’t want to date someone who actually works as a dancer; they want to have someone who used to strip, rather than someone who lives dancer’s hours, a dancer’s lifestyle and gives dances to other men at the club. The guy who wants to date the model or actress likewise often can’t deal with the lifestyle or watching their special sweetie pretend to be intimate with other folks.

Unfortunately, you can’t necessarily control for this, any more than you can control for folks who can or can’t handle your awesomeness. You can only give them the information up front and let them decide for themselves. Hopefully they figure out whether they actually want what you have to offer before you’ve invested too much into them.

So with all of this in mind, what can you do about these frustrations, JTM? Well, you have some options. One would be to tone things down a notch or two – not so much that you’re hiding your true glory but enough that you present a somewhat more approachable first impression. This may mean softening your look slightly – less spiked up mohawk and more asymmetric undercut, for example – without eliminating it. This may make it easier for folks who are into you but are a bit intimidated to actually have the courage to connect with you – either making the first move, or being receptive when you do. However, this also runs the risk of increasing the number of potential false-positives; you may meet more people who fall into that fifth column, who think they can handle things but honestly can’t.

The same applies to your accomplishments; it’s possible to soft-sell them without denying them and making them seem a bit less intimidating at first. This might make it possible for folks who might be interested in acquiring a taste for your particular flavor of awesome to feel comfortable enough to stick around long enough to do so. But at the same time, it also runs the risk of scaring them off when they find out just how badass you really are or keeping folks around who are cool with your accomplishments,  just so long as theirs are even more impressive. Then when they find out the true width and breadth of your awesome life, they get pissy because they’re no longer the top dog in this particular puppy pile.

Another would be to slow your role with some of the guys you’re interested in, treating them a bit like skittish deer you’re hoping to befriend. Giving more welcome signals, taking things slowly and letting them build up the courage so that they’re ready to ask you out, rather than doing so immediately, might help encourage some guys to cowboy up. Some folks feel more empowered if they feel like they’re the ones ultimately calling the shots. But at the same time… how many of the guys who need to feel like it was all their decision all along are compatible with you?

However, I think the best solution is one you’ve already touched on: the guys who aren’t intimidated by you. The ones who’ve got their own accomplishments under their belt or their own experiences, so that they don’t feel like they need to “match” yours or feel outclassed by your badassness. Those well-traveled men sound like they’re much more in line with your interests, your values and your sense of adventure. Prioritizing connecting with them sounds like it’ll be a much more satisfying, less frustrating experience. Yeah,  they may be a bit thinner on the ground than the average dudebro… but honestly, would you rather go on fifty first dates with mediocre men, or five first (and second, and third) dates with guys who can meet you at your level?

What can help is to find the places where your people are most likely to congregate. Those well-traveled and experienced men: where do they hang out? Where do they spend their time? Is their chosen community compatible with you? If so, those would be the places to post up and start making connections. The same goes with dating apps: rather than trying to sand away the things that make you unique, put those front and center and make it clear that you want someone who can meet you where you are, someone who’s got their shit together and isn’t looking for slightly-less-than-them instead. A man who doesn’t have the sense of self and the sense of confidence to see what you have to offer as a good thing is someone you don’t want to date. Will it mean that you get fewer dates over all? Yeah… but despite what people say, quantity doesn’t have a quality of  its own. Not when it comes to potential partners.

As frustrating as it may be, holding out for quality is often the best call in the long term. Yeah, it may mean that you’re single for longer than you’d prefer, but feeling lonely because you’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t right for you is worse.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m 18F, autistic, and I’ve been thinking for about a year that I’m probably asexual as well. I find some guys (mostly celebrities and characters) aesthetically attractive, but don’t desire sex with them personally. I’m both romance-positive and sex-positive regarding fiction, but romance-neutral and sex-repulsed in real life. I might, or might not want a romantic relationship someday, but can’t imagine ever wanting to have sex, or anything that typically leads up to sex.

This causes conflict with S., my neighbor and best friend since we were 5. S. has always been a little jealous of my looks, which I can understand. I’m average height, thin, but with C cup breasts, natural strawberry blonde hair and green eyes, very little body hair, mostly clear skin, and good features. S. is really short but wide, with breasts smaller than mine on a much bigger body, thick, dark body hair on pale skin, bad acne, not such good features and nothing special about her hair or eyes, plus she wears glasses. But starting when we were about 14 she also gets aggravated with me because guys, including guys she likes, hang around and try to flirt with me all the time, even when I don’t respond on that level at all. Meanwhile she tries to ask guys out, and gets treated like she has ebola. She talks all the time about how much she masturbates, and how she sometimes worries she’s literally going insane from horniness, yet also hates it because she’s so disgusted by her own body. She hates that I have the body I have and waste it by not even wanting to masturbate. All I can do is agree it’s not fair, and say I wish we could trade bodies, which obviously isn’t possible so doesn’t help.

We’re going away to the same college a month from now. We both got an exemption from living in the dorms (me for autism and S. for anxiety) so we’re renting an apartment together. I’m excited, but also hate to think what it will be like when we’re surrounded by good-looking college guys, instead of just the few stupid guys we grew up with, which has already been bad enough. Is our lifelong friendship doomed? What can I do to relate to S. and make things easier for her?

Wasted Ace

Alright WA, let me state this right off the bat: what you’re talking about is a her problem, not a you problem.What S is doing is blaming you for her problems and trying to make you take responsibility for her feelings and complications. Her issues aren’t your fault; you just happen to be close by and easy for her to blame. That’s all on her.

You, on the other hand, shouldn’t buy into her framing or accept her blame. S seems to have a “bitch eating crackers” problem; you could be sitting over on the other side of the room, having a snack and she’d sounds like she’d be pissed that you’re just sitting there eating crackers like it was no big thing. You aren’t exactly going around like some asexual siren, maliciously luring dudes away from her because FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY. You are out here, living your life and doing your own thing, and honestly, that’s fine. You can’t control for how other people react, nor are you in charge of what people are or aren’t attracted to.

Nor, for that matter is your existence the only thing keeping her from living the life of hot-and-cold running dick that she craves. Here is a truth: attraction isn’t a zero-sum game. If someone is attracted to one person, that doesn’t take away from their ability to be attracted to another, different person. The fact that you’re around doesn’t mean that guys are using up their limited supply of horniness on you, the ace temptress who lures them into her web only to cruelly be asexual at them. It just means that the guys who are showing up are attracted to you, not her. If you weren’t there, they wouldn’t shift their attraction to her. If they weren’t into her in the first place, then it doesn’t matter who is or isn’t there; the lack of any “competition” isn’t going to magically generate attraction to her by default. These guys are individuals, capable of knowing their own minds, their own interests and who they are or aren’t attracted to. And they’re just not into her.

And frankly, with the way you describe her, I can’t say I’m surprised. Not based on her physical appearance, but on her attitude. She sounds like she’s exhausting to deal with and unpleasant with it besides. If she’s copping an attitude of horny/angry/bitter like the world’s least appealing combo meal, then I’m entirely unsurprised that she’s not drowning in offers of dudes who want her to sit on their face. That combo is the Anti-Sex Equation when male incels display it and it’s equally as unappealing when women do too. You can do a lot to improve your presentation, but a shitty, angry and bitter attitude is going to make anyone unfuckable.

Now, there’s a lot about all of this that raises my hackles, but this one stands out to me: “She hates that I have the body I have and waste it by not even wanting to masturbate.” This is a really, really shitty way of looking at the world and looking at you specifically. This suggests that you are somehow “wrong” for being conventionally attractive while also being asexual, as though the only point of having a particular face or figure is to be fuckable and to be fucked. Talk about making yourself small for the comfort of others; this mindset reduces you from a complex and vibrant person to what you do (or don’t do) with your genitals. A body isn’t “wasted” because it’s not being used for a particular purpose, especially a purpose someone else decided it should have. You’re not “wasting” anything because you’re not interested in sex, any more  than a tall person is “wasting” their body by not playing basketball or someone with a uterus is “wasting” it by choosing not to have children. Fuck that noise and fuck that essentialist bullshit.

Needless to say, I’m not exactly gonna be running for president of S’ fan club any time soon.

I’m intensely curious as to just what S thinks the solution to The Curious Case of The Hot Ace would be. What, in the name of Harrison Bergeron, is she expecting you to do? Are you supposed to, I dunno, go around with makeup that makes you look like Old Gregg? Carry a burlap sack to shove over your head every time a hot guy comes by? Have a code word that means “quick go be somewhere else” in case S thinks she might have a chance to get lucky? Loudly proclaim to interested men that you are in fact, married, dead and infested with lizards? How much more attractive does she think she’ll become by demanding that you make yourself “lesser” or resenting you for “wasting” your body?

If she wants better luck with guys, then you’re not the problem, nor are you the solution. There’s a lot she can do for herself, if that’s what she’s hoping for. She can work on finding ways to conform to more conventional beauty standards if that’s what she wants. She could learn to rock what she’s got and find dudes who are into her but aren’t into skinny gingers. You could even help her with things like make-up and presentation if a) you have that skill set and b) she’ll accept your help. But what she really should do is work on that attitude and resentment because I can promise you and her: that shit’s radiating out of her like a passive aggressive Chernobyl. Maybe she needs to talk to a counselor. Maybe she needs to listen to some Lizzo and work on feeling good as hell.

But like I said: that’s a her problem, not a you problem and her offloading the blame onto you is not right, nor is it fair. Nor is it your responsibility to set yourself on fire so that she can keep warm.

Just as importantly: the fact that you’re ace doesn’t preclude you from being attractive or even enjoying being attractive. There’s more to looking good than doing so for others. You can even like dressing up and looking sexy without being interested in sex; you can like and enjoy the aesthetics of it without it being about sex, romance or fucking. Sometimes it’s nice to feel pretty, no matter what you do or don’t do with it.

But to be blunt: if your friendship is in danger, it’s not because you’re the one endangering it. S is. If S wants to keep on being friends with you, then it’s on her to adjust her attitude and outlook. You – you, specifically, WA – can be a friend to somebody without taking responsibility for managing their feelings or insecurities. You can be a friend to someone without having to diminish yourself in the process. Especially when their issue isn’t with something that you’re actively or purposefully doing.

It really comes down to whether S is being a good friend to you. And you’re the only one who can answer that question.

Good luck.