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I’m 31, fit, intelligent, attractive, and I’ve done enough work on myself to know that I’m happy, and that I’m ready for a relationship. Here’s my pattern: I’ll have a great first date with a guy. There’ll be great connection, flirting, maybe a kiss, texts for the next few days, and a second date. But then, he’ll say, ‘I’m not looking for anything serious.’ And I’ve gone both ways — I’ve slept with them (because let’s face it, it’s not just men who love sex!) or I’ve decided to not see them again. If I sleep with them, we’ll maybe have sex a few more times before it fizzles out. If I tell them I’m not looking for just sex, they’ll say they respect my decision, and I never hear from them again.
My real problem is this: three, maybe four times now, I’ve ditched the ‘I’m not looking for anything serious’ guy, only to find out a few weeks later that he’s seeing someone. Even tonight — the man who made me feel like a piece of meat not three weeks ago ‘met someone last weekend’ and has all of a sudden decided he wants a relationship. I feel like Good Luck Chuck!
You say not to sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend, but you also say men look for sex and find love. So what’s a girl to do? Is it really just a matter of them not being the right guy for me? I know we repeat patterns until we learn the lesson, but I’m not sure what my lesson is, nor how many more times I can stand to learn it…
Thank you for being you, and I hope you can answer my question.
Ashleigh
Really great question, Ashleigh.
I can understand why it seems complicated but it’s actually pretty simple. Here goes:
People don’t know what they want.
People don’t know what they want.
It’s not just a “man” thing, either.
I met a woman who informed me after a one-night stand she wasn’t looking for anything serious.
Two weeks later, she was my girlfriend.
Was she lying to me the first time around?
Not at all. If anything, she was lying to herself.
Think about it: one usually says “I’m not looking for anything serious” after a bad breakup, a series of dating failures, or some sort of personal loss. It’s a warning shot to the person you’re dating that you’re a good person but you don’t have much to give right now.
And it’s true. I would guess that anyone who declares, upfront, that he/she is in “me first” mode should be taken at his/her word.
But that just goes to show the limitations of one’s word.
If you tell a man “I love you,” that doesn’t mean you vow to love him forever.
If you tell a man “I love you,” that doesn’t mean you vow to love him forever.
It’s merely a statement of how you feel at that moment.
The men who wanted casual sex DID want casual sex, until they met someone who knocked their socks off and made them want to eat their own words.
That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.
That doesn’t mean they’ve done anything wrong.
That doesn’t contradict my “men look for sex and find love” statement either.
The four guys who slept with you and committed to other women WERE looking for sex…and when they found someone who they really connected with, they opted for love.
Your lesson, Ashleigh, is twofold:
a. Don’t take anything too literally. Everyone’s feelings are subject to change.
b. Don’t take anything too personally. For all you’re focused on a handful of guys who wanted to have sex with you but not commit to you, I’ll bet you can come up with a bigger handful of men who wanted to be your boyfriend, but YOU weren’t interested in them.
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