Why Does Everyone Else Seem to Settle Down But I Can’t?

I’ve been following your blogs and newsletters off and on for a few years. I can see I could be your typical client. I’m 38, professional with a lot of blessings in life except my love life. By saying that, you will probably understand the person I’m looking for needs to be loving, responsible and desperate for love and family life.

I just got out of a 2-year relationship. It’s a very classic story, everything was great and we were well connected in many ways except that he couldn’t move forward to next level – starting a family. During the 2-year relationship, I was waiting for him for 10 months while he was in South Africa taking care of his ill father. I was there for him through the most difficult time of his life. He never committed to me. After all this, he said he still couldn’t bring himself to propose to me or start a family. I can hear your answer already 🙂

But it’s hard. He’s back and I moved out, not far from him. I have to admit that I still hold out some hope. He said he’s going to a counselor. He said marriage is such a huge decision and he’s afraid that he will make a mistake. He was never near to marriage to anyone before.

I’m a strong and independent woman, but when it comes to relationship and love, I have to admit I’m very vulnerable. Evan, I have been single for over a decade! When I met my ex-boyfriend, I thought this is it. I’ve been on numerous relationship programs and I like your advice best, and that you do understand women. I don’t understand why I’m single and I don’t understand why everyone else seems to settle down with someone and I can’t find the one. Thank you, Lotus

Dear Lotus,

Sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend, his father, and your breakup. Sounds like a rough go for everyone involved. Please take a little bit of solace in the idea that you can only do the best you can do. And since you can’t change the past, the very least you can do is stop beating yourself up for the past.

Everyone has made mistakes. Everyone has gotten hurt.

Everyone has invested in the wrong relationships.

There’s nothing unusual about it. So take a deep breath and realize that you’re in a large pool of frustrated single people, okay? It’s not just you.

But if you’re going to learn anything here today, it’s not by absolving yourself of all responsibility. It’s about taking stock of how you got here and what you can do differently in the future.

All I have to go on is what little information you provided to me.

The only thing you can control is how much time you invest in low-percentage dead-end relationships…Cut such men loose fast and find a guy who is really into the marriage and kids thing.

You were in a two-year relationship with a man. One of those years he was in another country, taking care of his sick father.

This man has never been close to marriage with anyone.

This man is afraid of making a colossal mistake.

This man couldn’t see himself proposing to you or starting a family.

You are still living near him.

You are still pining for him.

You are still holding out hope that he will suddenly become a man who doesn’t have issues, who wants marriage and kids, and who wants them with you.

In other words, you’re willingly deluding yourself and wasting your late 30’s on a man who, for all of his charms, is quite obviously not going to be your future husband.

And you want to know why everyone else seems to settle down except you?

First of all, it’s not everyone else. There are plenty of 38-year-old single women, or I’d be out of business.

Second of all, 45% of the women who got married in their 20’s are going to be divorced because they married out of passion, fear, inertia or were simply too young. Don’t envy them.

But the only thing you can control is how much time you invest in low-percentage dead-end relationships. I have 100 questions sitting in front of me and probably 75% of them are just like yours — lovely women wasting time on fundamentally flawed, emotionally unavailable men, all out of “love.”

Want to get married in the next few years?

Cut such men loose fast and find a guy who is really into the marriage and kids thing.

Dating the wrong men over and over can take a toll on your confidence. Soon, you lose faith in your own decision-making, all while you’re watching your friends get happily married.

If you find that you’re starting to feel bad about yourself because you don’t have a ring on your finger, stay tuned tomorrow for a video that will instantly help you calm down when you find yourself comparing your life to your friends.

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