Why Does My Love Life Have So Many False Starts and Dead Ends?

Estimated reading time: 15 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a 25-year-old straight man, and after years of building the platonic social life I want, I’ve focused this year on my dating life. Unfortunately, dating has been much more vexing. I’m still a virgin and have never been on two dates with the same person, and it feels like everyone got a manual on how to date except me.

The most intractable issue, I think, is that I keep having false starts. I’m actually pretty good at meeting people, and I’ve had plenty of times when I’m chatting with a woman I’m interested in and feel like she’s interested in me. We’ll have a deep conversation, or we’ll flirt a bit (as well as my limited flirting skills will allow), we’ll trade contact info, maybe we’ll hug and talk about grabbing a drink soon.

Then, poof.

I gave her my number and she never texts me. Or she never follows me back on Instagram. Or she starts ignoring my messages. Or I ask her out for a drink and get the old “yeah, maybe,” “I’m just so busy,” or other species of the same thing. Or that one time when she gave me a hug and her Instagram, I messaged her some anodyne greeting the next morning, and she promptly blocked me without a word.

I’ve learned, thankfully, that there’s a time to cut my losses, move on, and avoid spamming people in ways that are bothersome at best and sexual harassment at worse. And I don’t harbor ill will towards the individual women who reject or ghost me: whether they want to date me is entirely up to them. (Well, maybe a little towards the one who blocked me for no apparent reason…) But as a whole, it’s just frustrating that it never seems to work out for me. It feels like a roller coaster: I meet someone, we seem to hit it off, I get invested, and then I never hear from her again. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

I’ve tried to think about why this could be happening.

Is it about how I’m texting her? First of all, sometimes it never even gets to that point. When it does, I used to have the problem of getting too sexual too quickly, but I’ve fortunately left that vice behind. Maybe I don’t get flirty enough quickly enough, but it’s hard when she already seems to be pulling away in the first few messages. Maybe I don’t ask her about herself enough. Maybe I don’t talk about myself enough! Maybe I spend too long small-talking with her instead of asking her out, so she loses interest. Maybe I ask her out too soon before she’s gotten to know me and trust me a bit. No matter what adjustments I make to those variables, though, they never seem to work. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s logistics. I usually give women my number rather than asking for theirs, so she has a bit of an easier out. But sometimes it seems women aren’t used to that, and they’ll mess up the part about actually giving me their number. An example: sometimes they’ll be like “let me call you right now so you have my number!,” call me, and immediately hang up before the call goes through—and I don’t say anything, because I’m never sure if they’re messing up the logistics on purpose or if they don’t know that it didn’t work.

Maybe it’s about how we interact at that first meeting? Well, that wouldn’t apply to women I meet online. And I’m autistic, so I can’t easily pick up on subtle hints of discomfort, especially as the worst of my gender have conditioned women to avoid overtly turning men down for fear of invoking their wrath. Still, I’ve worked my ass off over the past few years to learn some social cues—and at least from what I can tell, I haven’t picked up on a pattern of something I’m doing that causes discomfort. I’ve had a few isolated cases where I have, and I’ve learned from them.

So, I’m at a loss. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong, or what could I be doing better? How can I figure that out, to begin with?

Yours in desperation,

False Starts Galore

I’m going to start with a seeming digression, FSG, but stick with me, I promise it’s going somewhere.

I’ve used this example before, but I’m in the middle of a Babylon 5 binge and it’s relevant to your circumstances, so you get to hear it anyway.

In season 1 of Babylon 5, there’s a character named Jinxo – so named because he sees himself as being cursed. Part of the background narrative of Babylon 5 is that there have been four previous Babylon stations, and every single one either was destroyed or sabotaged shortly before coming online. Jinxo had done construction on all of them. Every time he left the station – to go home because the job was done, going on leave, etc. –  the station was destroyed. He – and many others who lived and worked on Babylon 5 – became convinced these two things were connected. If Jinxo left the station, the station would be destroyed. After all, when it’s happened four times out of four, that suggests a certain pattern and when the only commonality you can find is you… well, it makes a certain perverse sort of sense.

But a traveler to B5 points out that Jinxo has the wrong name. He should really be called “Lucky”; after all, he’s managed to survive four catastrophes that killed hundreds of thousands. That suggests that maybe, rather than being cursed, he’s actually been spared. Perhaps that level of luck implies that he’s destined for great things and the universe has conspired to ensure that he’s in the right place at the right time so that he can do what he needs to do.

Now, I bring this up because I think you’re looking at things the wrong way. You’re actually doing rather well. You’re good at meeting people, you’re having fairly consistent success at getting numbers and first dates. That’s all really promising, especially if you’re having to do this when you have issues picking up on social cues.

I can understand why you would see it being a bunch of false starts; after all, you’re still a virgin and haven’t gotten many second dates. But the thing is: you’re comparing your results to other people’s as though other people were a valid metric to compare yourself. And they’re not. There’s no standard progression for dating or relationship success for “normies” or neurotypicals or any other group. There’s a narrative that’s spread around, sure… but narratives are made up, and they rarely actually reflect real life, especially the present era. Compare how Boomers declare how society should work vs. Gen X or Millennials’ if you need an example.

The fact of the matter is that everyone’s on their own journey and they’re going to make progress in their own time and in their own way. The way that my dating life progressed is going to be different from yours because I had and have different challenges and experiences than you, just as you have different challenges and experiences than the person reading this. We can’t create a standard road map for how our love lives should progress precisely because there’s no way to standardize it. Nobody’s experiences will be the same.

Now as for what’s happening? Well, some of it could well be skill, sure. Sometimes it’s a matter of pure practice and being more aware of how you’re coming across, and the key there is… well, just more practice, some trial and error and figuring out what works for you.

But it’s just also as likely as just not meeting or connecting with the right people. If someone ghosts you or just stops texting, then what that usually means is that they just weren’t into you. And while that can sting, the fact of the matter is that this isn’t necessarily something that can or should be fixed. It’s often not an issue that you did something wrong but more that they just weren’t feeling it, and there really isn’t any way to control that.

Think about it this way: I’m sure you’ve encountered plenty of people in your life who were perfectly nice folks… but you just didn’t care for them that much. Maybe you could explain what put you off, or maybe you could never quite put your finger on it, but there was something about them tat just didn’t work for you. In those cases, ask yourself: is there really anything that they could do to change that besides “be an entirely different person”?

That’s frequently how it is with the people we meet, especially off dating apps; they may be nice enough, but the only way that we’d be a good match is if they were a different person entirely. And, flipping that around, if the difference between getting a date and not getting a date with them means “you’d have to change literally everything about yourself”, then doesn’t that suggest to you that you would be better off finding someone else?

Yeah, it feels like a judgement on you, like you somehow did something wrong and you’re being punished for it. Except… you didn’t and you aren’t. No more than the person who you just don’t care for did. All that this means is that you and they weren’t right for each other, and you both deserve someone who wants you for you.

So if we take all of this as part of the learning process, then I think part of what we can say here is that one of the things to work on is finding people who are right for you – calibrating your chooser, as it were. This is one of the reasons why I’ve started talking about dating slow; getting to know people and learning whether or not they’re right for you is rarely something you can accomplish at a bar. But even then, you want to have an air of curiosity and interest – what makes them worth your time, besides being attractive?

Another thing to consider is part of the trial-and-error process of learning. You’ve recognized that you may come on too strong and get too sexual too fast. It’s good that you figured that part out! But now you may have corrected too far to the opposite end and are so reserved or held back that you’re not conveying any interest.

You’re conscious of women’s experiences and how shitty dudes make it an awful time for them, which is great! But it’s also possible to over-correct here, and end up being so passive or unassertive that you end up costing yourself opportunities. If we take the example of women calling and hanging up before their number goes through the caller ID on your phone, not saying anything means that people who really wanted you to have their number don’t realize that they made a mistake. Saying “hey, I don’t think that came through, want to try again?” is hardly going to make people think you’re a monster who’s thwarting their attempts to get away, especially if you’ve been generally polite and friendly overall. Most of them will appreciate it, and the ones who were trying to get away without giving you their number generally don’t go through the motions of calling or texting to give you theirs. Either they’ll try to wave you off, give a less intimate means of contact (whatsapp, etc) or will give a fake number instead.

If you want to date successfully, you do have to be assertive to a degree – if only enough to say “I want this” and to make actual steps towards that goal. And it seems to me that your worries about causing offense, while entirely understandable, have caused you to take an almost defensive position where your desire to connect and maybe date come a distant third to Not Being One of Those. Which again, is admirable… but most of the time, it doesn’t require THAT much pre-emptive behavior.

So, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, part of what you need is to focus a little less on other people and a little more on yourself. If you come to these interactions with a mindset of “we already like each other”, and assume good faith and interest, you’re going to do a lot better. You’ll be programming your brain to act a more positive and confident way and to see things in the best light possible.

And just as importantly, assuming that you like each other already doesn’t prime you to act badly. Knowing that someone likes you doesn’t mean that you’re going to act like an entitled asshole, it just means that you can feel a little more secure in trying to connect with them. You’re still polite and conscientious with your friends, yeah? Same goes here; you like each other, which is why you’re going to not be rude or inconsiderate.

So TL;DR: you’re doing a lot better than you think. Most of the times that things don’t work out are likely because of a lack of compatibility, and you should put some more effort into finding Your People. Similarly, assume that you’re already friends and allow that assumption to give you the confidence and assertiveness to actually own your interest and your belief that you deserve a good relationship. This way you won’t be snatching defeat from the jaws of victory when those opportunities present themselves.

You’re doing really well, FSG. You just need to change your perspective.

Good luck.  

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I am 67 my friend is 70. From the first meeting it was great and I thought things were wonderful. We saw each other a couple times a week. He has classic cars so some of our dates were like 10-12 hours going to car shows. We had lots in common. I am widowed, he was divorced years ago, maybe 20 years. Only had one long term relationship since. Don’t know all the details but he did say her Dad asked him what took him so long to figure her craziness out. LOL

He has dated since but nothing serious. My husband died almost 5 years ago and I’ve been trying to date the last couple. Nothing serious or even more than a few dates.

Anyway, I was blindsided when he texted me between Christmas and New Years that he thought we wanted different things. (After giving me a very expensive necklace. Surprised by that, I just got him a tee shirt of a band he likes.)

This was my last contact from him, despite me texting, emailing and sending actual letters to him. I was surprised because we had never discussed what we each might want.

We weren’t intimate, much to my dismay, I’m still a very sexual person. We did discuss it and though he hadn’t had sex in forever, he said things still worked. Even though, I do want to have sex I was getting to the point that if it was off the table, I could live with it. Yes, liked him that much.

My problem is that he didn’t talk to me about anything and won’t talk to me about it. It has made me a bit insane. If I knew the reasons I could move on but I can’t seem to without knowing.
He’s a very well-mannered man and had a pet peeve about people not saying Thank You. Well, I already had his Valentine’s items ordered and couldn’t be cancelled when he dumped me so he got those. NO thank you. His birthday was this week, sent him gifts, just because. NO thank you. Which is very irritating. If it wasn’t for tracking numbers I wouldn’t know for sure he got them. (It was only recently thought I found out by accident how much the Christmas necklace cost so I sent him a watch.)

In the past, I’ve always been able to walk away, usually said F* you, your loss and never talked to them again, no matter how I felt. But I haven’t been able to do that with him. I think it’s because I don’t know the why and don’t understand why he is ghosting me.

Any thoughts? I’m not desperate for a man so that’s not it.
Sorry this is all over the place and hope you can make some sense of it.

Thanks in advance.

Lost In The Mail

Honestly, LITM? I think this is a lot simpler than you realize. He decided he wasn’t interested and gave you a fairly standardized, polite rejection that theoretically doesn’t blame anyone. “We want different things, best of luck” is basically a variation of “it’s not you, it’s me”. And as with “It’s not you, it’s me”, it comes with an unspoken coda. With “It’s not you, it’s me”, it’s “I’m just not into you like that.” With “We want different things”, it’s frequently “you want me, I want someone else”.

Now these, in theory, are letting people down easy. It’s a way of either saying nobody’s to blame or that oh woe, for the universe has aligned against us ah well. But a lot of people don’t take it that way. A lot of folks, like you, want to know more. They want closure, which is frequently a fancy way of saying “I want justification for your decisions”.

But honestly? Most people don’t want that and wouldn’t appreciate it if they got it. Nobody wants to hear a detailed breakdown of why someone’s not attracted to them. Even if they genuinely think want to know so they can work on themselves for next time… they really don’t want to hear it. The vast majority of the human race can’t compartmentalize so well that they can take someone’s “here’s why I don’t like you” and not take it personally. What they’re hoping for is something they can argue against and say “well you’re wrong, let’s try again”. But what they often get, if and when they get it, is frequently “and now I shall hit every single one of your insecurities in alphabetical order and give you some new ones besides”.

And that’s assuming that the person can even articulate a reason. A lot of times, the reasons why we don’t like someone or aren’t into them aren’t always readily apparent to us, the person feeling it (or not, as it were). What we think is the reason may be rationalization, it may be what we assume the reason is, or we may not even know the whys and wherefores; we just know we’re not feeling it and so we fall back onto a polite “nobody’s at fault here”.

This is why closure is ultimately a thing you have to give yourself. You have to decide that you’ve gotten it, make your peace with either not knowing or give yourself a reason for it and resolve to move on.

Now that having been said… you’re letting this get to you and you’re acting in a way that’s not really covering you in glory, here. It’s fairly clear you’re not accepting his break up, and you’re trying to engineer a confrontation about this.

Sending him stuff post-break up is a pretty transparent bid for contact. You didn’t need to send on his Valentine’s day gift; you could have returned it, sold it or gifted it to someone else. There wasn’t anything that required that it be delivered to him.

Similarly, you absolutely didn’t need to send him a birthday gift, “Just because”. He’d dumped you three months previous and you hadn’t had any contact with him since. That’s pretty definitive.

You say that you didn’t get a response, not even a “thank you”, but that’s not correct. He has given you a response, because no response is a response. He’s telling you, in no uncertain terms, that he’s not interested in talking, and I can tell you with a great deal of confidence that continuing to push for contact isn’t going to work.

The best thing you can do under these circumstances is ultimately just shrug your shoulders, assume that it’s his loss and move on. He’s not into you. Instead of wondering why, you’re better off to go look for someone who is.

Good luck.