Why Does My Wife Not Want Sex Anymore?

Estimated reading time: 17 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My wife (F, 46) and I (M,42) were married 5 years ago. My wife was a package deal, and she came with a wonderful daughter (now 9). I have raised her daughter as my own for the last 6+ years. I love being a dad. The biological father has addiction issues, floats in and out, and even when present has very limited supervised visits. She has been disappointed by him numerous times, but I am always a consistent, reliable father figure for her.

My wife and I have become more like friends without intimacy. I would prefer sex every other day. I am given obligatory sex once a month. I should probably add we had enthusiastic sex multiple times per day, nearly every day while dating. As soon as we were married, it abruptly changed to once per month. I vastly improved my wife’s financial security. So, I can’t help but wonder if I was consciously or subconsciously given the bait and switch.

We have discussed the lack of sex at length, and she is just not interested in sex anymore. I explained that the lack of physical intimacy was severely affecting my happiness and self-esteem. I asked for an open relationship. She was appalled and denied my request. She has no interest in therapy, nor do I want a therapist to convince her to have sex with me. If we were to divorce, I believe she would severely limit my contact with our stepdaughter.

I believe these are my options 1) cheating 2) divorcing and blowing up my stepdaughter’s life 3) putting my happiness on hold for 9 years when she moves off to college. What would you suggest?

Catch-22

Ok, C22, I’m going to be real with you: a knee-jerk assumption of “my wife was just stringing me along to get my financial resources” tends to get my hackles up, especially when there’re much more likely answers to the issues in the relationship. And no, adding “well, maybe it was subconscious” as a hedge to avoid looking like they’re saying they married a gold-digger doesn’t help. It’s the sort of lazy excuse-making that a lot of shitty men throw around to justify treating women like objects instead of people.

So, I understand your frustration, but that’s the sort of thing that makes it harder to actually gauge the problem; that mindset tends to affect the relationship itself and the people you might turn to for help. 

Now with that having been said, there’s a phrase I like to keep in mind when it comes to talking about relationship issues: if you hear hoofbeats, assume horses, not zebras. That is, there’re almost always much more mundane issues that are causing problems, rather than the likelihood that someone was willing to pimp themselves out in order to get a father and/or financial support for themselves. Especially when there’s no other evidence of similar behavior in their lives.

What’s more likely is that there’re entirely explicable and mundane reasons for why your wife isn’t interested in sex any more, and how that happened in the first place.

One thing I wish you’d included in your letter was how long you and your wife had been dating; that could give some insight into just what’s been going on. For example, were you having sex multiple times a day the entire time you were dating, or did that follow the typical arc of lots and lots of sex at the start, tapering to once per day before finally moving to once a month?

Now, absent more information, there’re a lot of possibilities here that are much more likely than your wife being a gold-digger who was willing to have sex right up until the ring was on her finger.

One possibility is that her interest in sex was always marginal, and the New Relationship Energy – where your brain pumps out more oxytocin and dopamine with a new partner – was enough to push her to have sex more often than she would normally. It’s even entirely possible that at the time you two were banging out daily, she was already having maintenance sex rather than sex she necessarily wanted or was excited for. Past a certain point, the amount of effort it took to keep up a schedule for something she wasn’t that into in general (not just with you, specifically) was simply too much and so she just… stopped.

Another possibility is that the sex for her has just not been the kind of sex she actually enjoys. One of the reasons why the desire for sex tapers off for women isn’t because women are less sexual than men, but because women get bored of the sex they’re having. Sometimes this is due to the sex-negative culture we live in; even in a post-Sex-in-The-City/Bridgerton/what-have-you society, women are still discouraged from actively exploring their own sexuality or advocating for the kinds of sex they actually want. This also frequently ties into the fact that the sex straight men want most often is penetrative, P-I-V sex, which is far less likely to bring women to orgasm. Relatively few women (around 10% or less, depending on the study) are able to climax from penetration alone; most require direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm, and penetration – especially in missionary position – is rarely able to stimulate the clit in the way they need. So it’s possible that her lack of interest stems from the fact that the sex she’s having just hasn’t been good enough to keep up the effort and she’s lost the drive for it.

A third possibility is that there’re things in her life that are impacting her libido. This could be anything from stress at work, dealing with her child’s biological father, the general strains of raising a child, natural hormonal changes that come with age, depression, side-effects from medication or any number of external issues.

A fourth possibility is that she’s not uninterested in sex, she’s uninterested in sex with you. Now, I want to be clear: I don’t say this to imply that you’re ugly or undeserving or that you’ve done something wrong. Sometimes our desire for a person just fades over time. Occasionally it’s for obvious reasons – their partner’s let themselves go to seed or just doesn’t put in the effort to keep things hot, etc. Other times, it’s just how they’re wired. Some folks require a lot of variety in their partners and their sex lives and their desire for a specific partner always just fades over time.

Other times, it’s just how the relationship has changed. Some relationships become less sexual and more companionate, especially between older couples. If a sexual connection was never as important for her as it is for you, then it’s possible that this is just the natural progression of the relationship for her.

And still other times… it’s just a matter that the nature of the relationship has changed for them. We are all always growing and changing as time passes. Sometimes we and our partners change and grow together; other times we grow apart. That’s nobody’s fault; it’s just how things happened. Not every relationship is meant to last forever after all; some love stories are just short stories and that’s fine. However, it’s important to be aware if this is your (the general “you”) relationship pattern and to manage your relationships accordingly.

A fifth possibility is that arousal is harder to come by for her. Sexuality researcher Emily Nagoski has written extensively about the two types of desire – spontaneous desire (the ‘suddenly horny’ type) and responsive desire. A large number of women have a responsive desire type; that is, they don’t experience spontaneous horniness the way a lot of men do. Instead, they start by being physical or engaging in sexual acts (that is, foreplay, making out, etc) and then start experiencing desire. So the lack of interest in sex is less that she’s not interested in sex at all, but the context under which she experiences desire is different from yours. You feel desire and then become aroused; she may not be into it until she’s become physically around via sexual activity and then feels desire. So changing the way that you and she think about sex and desire might lead to her feeling desire again. If she’s open to some form of physical intimacy or intimate touch, even if she’s not actively turned on in that moment, then the desire may come as things progress.

Now, the person who’s most able to actually explain what the issue is, is your wife. The problem ­– and this is a problem – is that she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it or do anything about it. This is when more information and context would be helpful. You say that you two have discussed the issue extensively. I would love to know the context of these discussions. If you were coming to the discussions from a position of “I’ve noticed that our sex life has changed, and I’d like to talk about it; here’s what I’ve noticed, what are you experiencing/thinking about it”, then you’d be likely to get a very different response than “we’re not having enough sex for me and that’s bad.” The former is collaborative and encourages the two of you to work together to try to resolve the problem. The latter approach would be far more likely to put her on the defensive, since it could come off as very accusatory or blame-y – things that are likely to make her less interested in actually trying to resolve the problem.

Absent that information, we have to go with the fact that she doesn’t seem to be interested in sex with you beyond the bare minimum for maintenance and doesn’t see this as a problem. The fact that she isn’t willing to talk to a couple’s counselor about it is potentially troubling. The fact that she’s not willing to open up the relationship is, likewise, an issue. If sex is something she just doesn’t care about and doesn’t see as being an important part of your relationship, then insisting on a monogamous-but-abstinent commitment is unfair and unreasonable. While it’s certainly possible that she worries that opening up the relationship could lead to your leaving her for another woman who is interested in sex, there’s nothing protective about monogamy. Demanding monogamy from you isn’t going to magically prevent you from deciding to leave her anyway; monogamous relationships end all the time, and people who made monogamous commitments cheat and leave their partners for other people on the regular.

Again, this is where more information would be helpful. The context of those discussions could make the difference between her having just decided to unilaterally end sex for both of you or her having checked out because she doesn’t feel heard or understood and doesn’t see how talking to a therapist would help.

But if it really is a case that she’s decided that she’s done with sex and so are you… well, your options are limited.

What I would suggest is that you make another attempt to talk with her about this. I’d recommend coming to this last discussion from a position of “I want to understand how you’re feeling about this and how we can work together to figure out a solution that works for both of us and regain the intimacy and closeness we had,” even if that was how you approached it before. Treating this as a ‘we’, not a ‘me’ issue, giving attention and care to her feelings and issues and treating it as a collaboration between partners is more likely to encourage her to talk things through with you and hopefully look for potential solutions. Especially if the previous discussions were more about how she’s giving your penis a sad, and little consideration for her.

But I would pair this with an insistence of going to a sex-positive couple’s counselor over this issue. I would also suggest that you see a relationship counselor, regardless of whether she goes or not. Talking with a trained counselor may help you identify blindspots or areas that you weren’t aware that could be causing problems. They might also help you figure out how to wind down the relationship if it comes to that.

But the couple’s counselor will have to become a non-negotiable point if you want to make this relationship work, to the point of being an ultimatum of “we go to couple’s counseling and make a good faith effort, or we get divorced.” However, it’s important to realize that if you lay this ultimatum out, you have to be ready to follow through. If you draw a line and say “we do this or I’m out” and you don’t actually leave or initiate divorce proceedings, then all you’ve done is show that you were bluffing and she has no reason to take you seriously.

I understand that you love your stepdaughter and don’t want to blow up her life. However, kids aren’t dumb or oblivious; they can tell when their parents are having problems with each other and things aren’t going well. Divorce is far less traumatic for them than living in a perpetual cold war between their mom and dad (or stepdad, in this case). As much as it would be a tumultuous time and major disruption, it would still be better for her than staying together with this issue hanging over everyone’s head.

It’s a shitty choice to have to make, and I’m sorry you’re in this position. Hopefully you and your wife can rekindle the respect and desire for each other to try to make this work. Otherwise, divorce in this case would be the least bad of a series of bad choices… and the best for your stepdaughter.

Good luck.

Hey Doc, I’ve got a problem. I’m 16, a high-school sophomore, and I’m really interested in a girl in my class, and I really need some advice on how to get her to notice me. Here’s the thing tho: she’s already got a boyfriend. I know it sounds sketchy, but hear me out.

So, this girl, let’s call her Emily, is incredibly cool. She’s got this killer sense of humor and she’s crazy smart and always says things that make me laugh. And I’m going to be honest: she’s hot too. I spend a lot of time on her Insta and Snapchat where she’s always posting pics of herself and her friends and I just can’t stop checking her out. But it’s not all shallow, I promise. The more I get to know her, the more I think we’d be perfect together. We’re both into the same music, movies, and even some low-key nerdy stuff. It’s kinda wild how much we have in common.

The problem is Emily’s current BF. Dude’s a fucking idiot and so not her type. He’s like every jock ever who thinks he’s just king shit because he plays a stupid game (JV, even, not the top team), and it’s obvious he doesn’t appreciate Emily the way she deserves. He’s always flirting with other girls – I’ve caught him creeping on other girls’ pics with his finsta – and doesn’t seem to care about her feelings. It pisses me off just thinking about it.

Now, I ain’t gonna lie, I’m not exactly the most popular guy in school or anything, but I know I’d treat her way better than jackass jerk jock, you know? I’d actually listen to her, be there for her, and just make her feel special, all that. But, like, how do I even begin to show her that when she’s all wrapped up in her current relationship?

Doc, can you give me some tips on how to catch Emily’s eye without coming off as a total creep? I don’t wanna be that guy, but I know we’d be awesome together. Is there a way to squeeze him out, maybe help her realize he’s a tool and just help her see what she could have with me?

Thanks a bunch, man. Looking forward to your advice!

I’m Mr. Right Here

Letters like this make me glad I’m not a teenager anymore. The constant confusion, self-inflicted drama and feeling all those feelings without any goddamn clue how to handle them…

OK IMRH, let’s dispense with this right off the bat: it’s cool that you think you’re her perfect guy and all, but you know who actually gets to decide who’s right for her?

That’d be Emily.

Here’s the thing: you’re falling for the classic “nice guy/girls-like-assholes” fallacy, where “asshole” really means “dude as what has what I want”. You’re working from limited information about Emily and SuperJock’s relationship ­– you’re only seeing a fraction of a fraction of their time together, drawing conclusions from facts not in evidence and letting your crush on Emily (and jealousy of her boyfriend) fill in the blanks. You have no idea what the two of them are like when you’re not around, what sort of things they do together or what interests they share, or how he actually treats her when you aren’t around to see. You’re basing your idea that he doesn’t or can’t like or respect her like you do on dickful thinking and fantasy, not reality. For all you know, he’s into the same things she is, or that she’s way more into his interests than in the ones you supposedly share. You’re seeing a very limited slice of his life and hers, and what you see at school is never going to be the full picture. Neither, for that matter, is what either of them share over social media; social media is always going to be a highly-curated, deceptive view of someone.

Neither, for that matter, do you know what their relationship is like. You say you’ve caught him creeping on other girls’ Instagram pics… but do you know whether Emily is unaware of this? Since you don’t indicate that you and Emily are friends or that you actually talk all that often, you have no way of knowing what they’re up to behind closed doors. She could well be aware that her boyfriend’s looking at other girls’ pics and doesn’t care. And if she is ignorant of it… well, it’s not your relationship and not your business. Sticking your nose in, especially when you’re not already friends to begin with, is just you trying to justify breaking them up so that you can swoop in and take her for yourself.

But let’s say you do reveal that he’s got a wandering eye. Do you think that she’s going to thank you? Do you think that she’s going to be grateful to you if the two of them break up? And – importantly – do you really think that after she has a tumultuous break up that she’s just going to be open to anyone rolling up and saying “you ditched the zero now get with the hero?” 

If they do break up – whether you’re involved or not – you’re in no way guaranteed a chance with her. Especially if you don’t have a pre-existing relationship already. You could well engineer their break up – or see it happen organically – and then see her go out with someone else entirely, while still being unaware that you’re interested. She may even go out with another jock.

And here’s another thing to consider: if you care about her and want what’s best for her, why are you not allowing her to decide what’s best? If you respect her the way you say, then you want to respect her choices, too. Declaring that you know better than she does is presumptive at best, out and out insulting at worst.

But let’s say you’re right and you’re objectively the best possible person she could date at your school. The way you prove this is by demonstrating it, not just stating it loudly. Anybody can say “I’m the best, you should be with me,” but that means nothing if you can’t actually back it up. So if you want her to see you as a possible match, you have to actually be living those qualities. And not in some flashy, show-off-y “look at me” way. That’s going to be come off as way too try-hard and be more likely to turn her off. Living your best life and being your best self is going to be a better way of demonstrating your superior qualities.

But as I’m often saying: you can’t Be Your Best Self at someone. You have to just… live your life and hope that other people pick up on it. Maybe embracing your best self will raise your profile and she’ll notice you, but if you focus just on getting noticed, you’re not going to get as far. After all, getting noticed or getting attention is easy. Shit on the floor in the cafeteria and everyone is going to notice and pay attention.

Instead, my recommendation is to make the most of your high-school years, without making Emily the focus. Vdolunteer around school, join some clubs, join a team or band or debate, shit maybe even play some sports. Use this time to explore who you are as a person, find the things you’re good at or interested in and pursue those. They may lead to her noticing you… or they may not. But they’ll make your life better over all, and it’ll get you ready for life after high-school… which is far more important.

Because here’s the hard truth, IMRH: this is a high-school crush, and the vast, vast majority of high-school relationships don’t last past graduation. Many don’t last between grades. Despite what people tell you, high-school isn’t the best or most important time of your life, and despite how pop-culture makes it seem, these relationships are going to be much more fleeting than you realize. These years are essentially training for the next stage of your life, whether that’s college, learning a trade or some other choice.

Your feelings for Emily are intense, sure, but that’s because you’re young. I would be willing to bet you $20 cash that by your senior year, you’ll have moved on from her and fallen for someone else. And even if not, after graduation, you will almost certainly move on.

So spend less time worrying about who Emily is dating and focus instead on figuring out who you are, what makes you tick and what you can do to live your best life. Take full advantage of what your school has to offer and the opportunities presented to you. Make a point of being more social, cultivating your social skills, making more friends, and you may find yourself in a “king of the school” role too – different from Captain Got-Yo-Girl, sure, but still popular or important. Maybe Emily will notice. Maybe you’ll meet someone who does notice and is an even better match that Emily – someone you’ve actually talked to and connected with. But even if not, you’ll still be setting yourself up for success after high-school… when your life really will begin.

Good luck.