Why Isn’t My Boyfriend Interested in Sex Any More?

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

Perhaps you can shine your Piercing Light Of Man Wisdom into this weird medieval tangle.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 7 years. He’s in his early 40s and I’m a few years older. We are both a bit weird and our weirdnesses fit together wonderfully. We have always had incredibly strong chemistry on every level, including physically. We want to spend our lives together and talk about our plans for the future on a regular basis. But over the past year or so something strange has been happening. 

My bf’s initiation of sex has vastly diminished – we are down to once every month if I’m lucky. When it does happen, the chemistry is there still but it does seem hard for him to come. We’ve talked about it and it seems to be something mental rather than related to masturbation frequency or techniques. I have made a point of trying to initiate more, but it isn’t that easy and sometimes he won’t have much response at all, even though he is very cuddly. I do all the things: appeal to the visual (lingerie, etc), try novel times and techniques, etc. Sometimes it works but more often he just wants to stop and cuddle and I feel like a stuffed bear instead of an object of desire.

Now, my bf has a history of cyclical quasi-asexuality. In the past it has seemed to align with times when he is involved with a new video game. He is an avid, long-time gamer (of the questing in fantastical lands with cute animal sidekicks as opposed to the blowing black ops guts out variety, if that makes a difference.) I’ve accepted this as part of his rhythms because games have always been important and enjoyable to him (he’s a collector and all that). But a couple years ago he was able to retire early and now spends more of his time playing, and I’m wondering if that could be related. Is it possible that sex just isn’t interesting because I can’t compete with the fantastical journeys he goes on digitally?

I have to be clear that I don’t doubt that he loves me, and that he wants me around or to be around me as much as possible. He loves to cuddle and prefers that to sex. He has told me that he loves me now than he ever has and I believe from all his other actions (other than the sex part) that he is being sincere and truthful. Neither of us are into porn, and there is no one else he is involved with (again, just trust me on the fact that I don’t think either of these things are in the mix). 

To compound matters, I am approaching menopause and his lack of interest in sex has me grieving. I take care of myself and look pretty much the same as I always have, but inside I feel vulnerable. I fear I am facing the end of my life as a desirable woman and it feels super painful and lonely.  I’ve wondered if the change in his desire is my fault, due to a difference in my pheromone signaling as I go through menopause. Is that even a thing? I don’t know, I’m casting about for answers.

I ask him about what’s going on and he says, with all authenticity and sincerity: I don’t know, I only know I care about you now more than I ever have and that only increases as time goes on, and I only care about you being okay, I want to protect you, I want you to feel happy and good. He is definitely willing to use a vibrator whenever I ask to provide me with an orgasm, but it is hard for me to do that because it feels like I’m just being serviced. After many tears on my end one night he finally admitted to me that being sexual somehow feels like it disrespects me and the more he loves me the harder it is to be in that mode. That’s weird to hear because it’s not like we haven’t had sex hundreds of times over the years. Why does it disrespect me now? He seems honestly a bit mystified by the whole thing himself.

I feel like I somehow became too precious of a treasure to take out and play with… like, well, a collectible. It is hard for him to understand that for me, as a woman, I can’t really separate sex and love and that the lack of sex makes me feel rejected and unloved. In his heart of hearts, I suspect him holding me in this sort of protective chastity feels almost like the ultimate compliment to him, in a strange way, though I doubt he is conscious of that.

Can you give me some insight into this mindset and tell me if there is anything I can do to avoid being shuffled off to the nunnery, metaphorically? Do I need to procure an assortment of toys, and focus on him “servicing” me and get over the fact he isn’t that aroused by it? Or do I just need to prepare my wimple and chastity belt and accept that my sex life is over? Is there even a fix? (And I’m sure therapy is fantastic but I can tell you that won’t happen with him, so we are either solving this on our own or not solving it.)

–Didn’t Ask To Become A Madonna

OK first things first, DATBM: menopause doesn’t mean you’re reaching the end of being sexually desirable. Your hormonal balance is changing with age, because entropy comes for us all in the end, but that doesn’t make you undesirable except in the minds of dudes who are creepily obsessed with women’s fertility…

…and let’s be honest, 9 times out of 10 that’s just them trying to justify perving on teenage girls.

If you’re not talking to your doc already about your options, I’d recommend starting there. But I’d also recommend reading Mona Eltahawy’s essay “Menopause Is Shit/ Menopause Is Amazing” as a way of starting to reframe things in your mind. Having a mindset that isn’t “welp, I guess this is the end of joy and connection” can help shift how you relate to what’s ultimately a change, not an ending.

But that’s a side-note to what’s bothering you. Let’s talk about your boyfriend and the sex you’re not having.

So, there’re a few things to consider. On the broadest and most general end of things, sex tends to become less frequent over time in a relationship. The exact rate of decline varies from relationship to relationship, but it does decrease. Much of this is just part of how we’re built; we’re a novelty-seeking species and we tend to have all the sex with new partners in part because, well, they’re new. That novelty, that mystery, that getting to know someone is exciting and our brains start pumping out more oxytocin and dopamine which means we’re literally getting high off them.

But as I’ve said before: we’re a highly adaptable species, and hedonic adaptation happens to us all. What is novel to us, no matter how exciting, eventually becomes the known. But while the passion may ebb, the connection, the affection and the intimacy often deepens.

Of course, while that’s all great, that doesn’t mean you don’t still want the passion. Or at least some passion. Especially if sex is an important part of your connection or what you need from a partner.

Now, there’re a lot of reasons why someone’s libido might start to taper off – reasons besides the fading of New Relationship Energy that is. Sometimes it’s a matter of stress, especially at work. Other times, it could be for pharmicological reasons – they’re taking medication that tanks their sex drive. SSRIs are especially notorious for not just killing people’s sex drives, but making it impossible for them to get up or get off at all. Some people have found that going on antidepressants mean that even if they wanted to have sex, they couldn’t get off if they were in a threesome with Jonathan Majors and Scarlett Johannsen and Marilyn Monroe doing the pushing. Diet, age, hormonal changes (it happens to cis men, too)… these can all put the kibosh on the ol’ get up and go.

If there’d been any notable changes in your boyfriend’s life about the time last year when things dropped to monthly – he went on a new medication, he took a pay cut, what-have-you, then that might be a reasonable place to start looking. Similarly, if he’s bothered by this, then getting into a urologist and getting his various bits poked, prodded, drawn and tested would be a good idea, if only to rule out anything horrible lurking in the depths.

But sometimes that’s not it either. Sometimes it’s more… personal.

This is where things get trickier. You mention that your partner’s long been cyclically uninterested in sex, and it especially peaks when he’s got a new game to dive into. I suspect that this may not be as cyclical as you think. Or rather: I think that you may be mistaking the cycle. From the sounds of it, I think that the asexual part of the cycle may be the norm, and the moments when his libido is more ascendant are the exceptions.

Asexuality, like other sexualities, tends to come on a spectrum and in a wild and woolly number of varieties. There’re folks who are sex-repulsed, folks who feel sexual desire once in a great while, folks who only start feeling sexual desire when they have a strong emotional connection for people. There’re also folks who are more sexual at the start of a relationship, but who lose interest fairly quickly over time if they stay with the same partner. If they find a new partner, the cycle is the same: hot and heavy at the start, fades quickly into non-interest. Some even find that this comes with emotional investment; the higher the emotional investment, the less sexual interest they have. Like the opposite of demisexuals.

It may be worth digging into this with your boyfriend. If he’s had a number of past relationships, especially long-term ones, has his libido followed the same pattern? Has he found that he always starts being less interested in sex and more in non-sexual forms of intimacy?

(More on that in a few…)

Now, I think there’re a couple things going on here. Like I said: I suspect that your boyfriend is more ace than you (and possibly he) previously realized, and I think it was easier for him to be sexual when the NRE was going strong. But as you both settled into the relationship, I think the cycles of lowered libido became harder to push through, and that’s part of the problem.

Another part of the problem is… well, I’m not sure if he’s being honest with you about the whys and wherefors about his lack of interest. Saying that “he respects you too much to fuck you”, especially years after being together seems sus to me. That sounds more like the excuse one gives when you don’t actually want to say what’s going on, because your partner’s in tears and you need to say something about it.

Now somebody call Sir MixxALot because here comes a big

BUT.

I don’t think he’s necessarily lying to you or telling you what he thinks you need to hear. I suspect that he doesn’t know why he’s not interested, just that he isn’t. If he honestly doesn’t know why he’s not interested and isn’t just trying to get out of having to say he’s lost attraction to you, then he may be as discomfited by this as you are. Or at least, he’s bothered by the fact that you’re bothered, even if it’s not that big of a deal to him. For him, it may not be as much of a problem, especially if he’s telling the truth that he prefers cuddling.

The problem, for him, is that it’s a problem for you and you’re looking to him for answers. Throwing out an answer, any answer, at least, gets him (and you) through the current crisis and buys some time. Whether that’s time to figure out what’s going on or time for you to settle into the new status quo is an exercise left to… well, you all, since you’re the ones who’re actually there.

So as much as I hate to say it, I think that this may well be the new status quo. I think that your boyfriend’s cyclical asexuality isn’t really cyclical any more. The question then becomes: so what happens now? You, clearly, aren’t done with having sex, and a sexual connection is important to you. This is where you and your boyfriend are going to have to start finding some compromises if you want to make this relationship work.

One of the things that you may want to do is consider your definitions of intimacy and affection. Much of what makes sex work is the intimacy and contact of it, the bodies intertwined, the heat and the friction. If you can understand that, for him, this sort of physical intimacy is like sex is for you, then that might help ease the feeling of being rejected or discarded. Yeah, you want orgasms too, and it certainly seems like he’s willing to help you in that department – this is one of the things that many counselors tell couples with mismatched libidos. Giving an orgasmic assist to the partner with the higher libido is often a way of bridging the gap between times when the less lusty partner is feeling it too, especially when matched with other forms of intimacy and affection.

Now you, understandably feel a little weird about this, like you’re being serviced. I hate to say this but… I suspect you’ve been having “service” sex more than you may have realized. I suspect that your boyfriend’s had more times when he wasn’t that into it, but wanted to do something for you because he cares for you and wants you to be happy. And while I understand that feels different from being desired… that’s not different from being loved. Sometimes we do things we’re not really into or not really feeling because we know our partner’s into it or enjoys it. The fact that we’re not the biggest fan of “it”, whatever it may be, may seem to take away from things… but honestly, I don’t think that’s an absolutely bad thing. You may not be into, I dunno, going to gatherings of other game collectors, but you go with him because he enjoys it and you enjoy seeing him have a good time. The same can be true for getting you off. It may not necessarily move his joystick, but he likes being able to do something for you that you love and need. It’s not the same as being panting with desire, but maybe it doesn’t have to be; it’s just a different flavor of love.

Another possibility is opening up the relationship. You want to feel desired, as well as loved. Wanting to be desired by the person you’ve built a life with and committed to is real, it’s valid and it’s not unreasonable in the slightest. The inherent conflict here is that your boyfriend doesn’t necessarily feel desire the way you do or the way you’d prefer. Is it possible that you could get that desire to be desired met from someone else? You and he could allow for an arrangement that lets you get your needs met outside of the relationship while still respecting and honoring the commitment you two have and the life you’ve made together.

You could find the passion and desire and excitement elsewhere and still have the intimacy, companionship and affection with your boyfriend. It’s not conventional, true, but isn’t that the great thing about relationships? We can decide for ourselves what the rules are or what defines it for us.

But if you can’t make any of those pivots… well, that’s when you have to make a harder decision. You don’t have to be done with sex, but you may have to accept being done with (standard issue, non-orgasmic-assisted) sex with him, and decide what that means for you.

If an active sex life with your romantic partner is what you need, a casual sex partner won’t fill that gap and you don’t have the personality, inclination or even the spoons to run concurrent romantic relationships… well, then its possible that this relationship has come to its natural conclusion. And if that’s the case? Then it’s better to act on it sooner, rather than later. It’s much easier to have a good post-break-up relationship if you end when things are on a more positive note than to wait until all hope is gone and you’re staying more out of inertia than desire to be with him.

But before you get there, sit down and have a series of awkward, specific discussions about your needs, his libido and how you two might reach some sort of compromise based on the assumption that now is the new norm, rather than trying to return to the previous status quo. If you can accept that this is the baseline for your relationship and that what you had before is in the past, it may be easier for both of you to be honest and vulnerable with each other and yourselves.

Good luck.