Why Men Ignore What You’re Looking For Online

Evan, I’m one of your most loyal readers. I discovered you through a Swedish friend 5 years ago. Yes, we know you in Europe as well! Among my girlfriends we call you our “Love Guru”, and every time a girl tells me about a dating issue, I ALWAYS refer to your material and tell them to read you! And yes, although I’m not one of your private clients, I bought “Why He Disappeared” after my last boyfriend… disappeared. Because I’ve read all of your articles for the last 5 years (and that’s a lot of reading), I positively know that you have never answered this question.

In the last couple of years I’ve met a lot of guys, online and offline. I haven’t found the person yet, but I’ve learned something about men: they have a lot of faith in themselves. And here’s my question: how come guys always, always, always think they are the PERFECT match for you, without any self-awareness? I’m not talking about physical appearance; I’m talking more about this:

– Girl: “I live in a big city, full of people. I would like a boyfriend that lives in the same area, so we can meet whenever we want to.”
– Boy: “I live 400 miles away, but hey, that’s no problem, I’m your perfect match!”

– Girl: “I want to marry through the Protestant Church, it’s very important for me that my future husband agrees so we can raise our kids that way.”
– Boy: “I don’t want to get married, I’m not sure if want to have kids, and I’m definitely against the Protestant Church, but hey, that’s no problem, I’m your perfect match!”

– Girl: “I don’t enjoy going out late. During the winter I prefer to stay at home and I don’t care what’s the coolest bar in town right now.”
– Boy: “I love drinking alcohol, I can’t be in the same bar for more than 90 minutes, and if I stay at home one evening I can’t breathe, but hey, that’s no problem, I’m your perfect match!”

– Girl: “I have a Master’s degree, I can quote French, English and Spanish literature, culture is a huge turn on for me, and intellectual chemistry is as important as physical chemistry for me.”
– Boy: “I stopped studying when I was 18, I can’t remember the last book I read and I can talk to you about every reality show on TV if you need me to, but hey, that’s no problem, I’m your perfect match!”

– Girl: “I’m in my early 30s, and I still believe I can find a guy who has never married before, no kids, so we can build a relationship with no complicated stuff from day 1. I want a simple thing.”
– Boy: “I’m in my 50’s, divorced, one kid your age, no education, no shared background with you – social or cultural, I live far from you, but hey, that’s no problem, I’m your perfect match!”

You, my dear Evan, get the idea, but they don’t. Why do they always think they’re perfect for you? I know it when I’m not someone’s type! If I see that a guy is looking for this nurturing, low maintenance girl in her 20s I don’t lose my time, I’m not that girl. But men don’t, men will always try to convince you not to be “rigid”, when what’s happening here is that he’s not your type, you know it but he doesn’t stop for half a second to think about it.

Is it a biological reason? Social? Sexual? I don’t know, but you are the Love Guru, you must have the answer. And by the way, how do I respond to this kind of guy? I’ve tried it your way (online), and the prize that I get for answering is being insulted most of the time: “It’s amazing how rigid you are”, “You are wrong”, “It fascinates me, looking at your sweet face I would have never thought you could be this mean”, “I know what’s good for you”, “Oh please, don’t give me a lame excuse”.

I would looooove to hear your opinion.

— KC

I looooooved this email and printed it in its entirety for three reasons:

This has nothing to do with you. This is about them.

It’s funny, it’s true, and it makes it look like I’m huge in Europe.

And very much like the reader question about men who text photos of their penis, I don’t think that this is a particularly complicated question with a long, complex answer. So let’s get right down to it.

I agree that the men you’re alluding to are somewhat clueless. I agree that they’re wasting their time and barking up the wrong tree. I agree that it can be a bit frustrating in dealing with them when it’s so obvious to you that they’re not a good fit for your life. But here’s what you’re missing, KC:

This has nothing to do with you.

This is about them.

Contrary to your opinion, these men don’t think that they’re a perfect fit for you.

They may not score high in reading comprehension skills, but they know from your description that they’re not what you’re looking for.

What you don’t understand is that THEY DON’T CARE what you’re looking for!

You know what they care about? What THEY’RE looking for!

And what are they looking for?

An attractive woman your age. That’s about it.

Men do what THEY want. They don’t do what YOU want.

You think they’re reading your profile and concluding that you’re a perfect match. They’re not. They’re reading your profile and writing to you IN SPITE OF what you wrote.

They’re trying to convince you to overlook your own criteria and give them a chance. Not because it’s in your best interests. But because it’s in THEIRS.

Predictably, when you point out that it’s not a good fit, they get defensive and try to convince you that you’re wrong.

It’s not that they actually believe that they’ll convince you.

It’s that they’ve been ignored by everyone else and you’re the first person to write back a rejection letter.

So they double down on their original email — piling on a little bit of guilt and aggression — to let you know that you’re making a huge mistake by passing him up — yes, the same man who is nothing like the man you’re looking to marry.

They’re just venting. It has nothing to do with you.

You can’t change it. You can’t worry about it. But you can make sense of it.

Men do what THEY want. They don’t do what YOU want.

You can spend your whole life getting frustrated or you can observe it dispassionately.

You can spend your whole life getting frustrated or you can observe it dispassionately.

Somewhere, there’s a subpar student trying to get into Harvard.

Somewhere, there’s a barely literate person applying for a copywriter job.

And somewhere, there’s an older, slightly overweight woman who is writing to the George Clooney clone on Match, even though he specified his age range was 27-32.

Does Clooney get upset at these women? Nope. He just smiles and deletes them.

Why don’t you try that on for size and see how it fits, KC?