Why You Don’t Have A Boyfriend

Ladies, finding a decent guy and locking him down for at least a semi-serious commitment is actually easier than your typical Jezebel reader. It just requires a conscious effort to understand and ameliorate yourself to what a man wants in a potential mate. The reason so many of you are struggling to find love and companionship (and why many who don’t read this post will continue do so for the remainder of their marriageable years) is that you’ve been fed a lifetime’s worth of lies.

As a loyal Loveawake blog reader, you’re already familiar with the idea that much of what society calls conventional wisdom is actually crap. Your role models are false idols, your intellectual leaders are full of it, and the culture that raised you is hostile to your best interests. Confusing, I know. I’m about to offer you my thoughts on how a 21st-century young American woman can best present herself to get a decent guy to fall for her and treat her well.

From my experiences sleeping with and dating quite a few of your generation, I’ve found that many of your peers do not have the basic knowledge I’m about to share. Internalize it, and you’ll have much more success in the most important facet of your life than you would otherwise. So ladies, without further ado:

The Top Five Reasons You Still Don’t Have A Boyfriend

1) You’re Fat

You can be the smartest, coolest, funniest, sweetest little cupcake that has ever existed, but if you aren’t within 10 lbs. of your ideal weight, quality men won’t give you a second glance. And don’t kid yourself about where the boundary lies between “fat” and “not fat.” If you have to ask, you’ve lumbered over to the wrong side.

2) You Don’t Take Care of Yourself

Dressing well, making appropriate use of makeup and a flattering haircut will add a point or two to your perceived attractiveness. Looks aren’t the only thing that men care about, but they are the first thing. If a woman isn’t physically attractive enough to garner our initial interest, we’ll never give her a chance to demonstrate any of her non-physical qualities.

3) You Act Like a Man

Men don’t want to date girls who act like our buddies. Many women think that the road to a man’s heart is paved with abrasive verbal sparring, but nothing could be further from the truth. If you treat every conversation as a competition, if your first instinct when responding to someone else is to think of a way to disagree, if caustic sarcasm is your default tone, check yourself. No self-respecting man will tolerate an unpleasant, disagreeable demeanor.

4) You’re a Whore

A whore is a woman who exchanges sexual favours for money. Are you a whore? Do you expect the men you date to pay for your dinners, take you on vacations, and shower you with gifts? If so, then yes, you’re a whore. Which is actually fine with me (a girl’s gotta eat). But this is a post about getting a boyfriend, not a client base.

In a world where women are almost as financially well-off as men (and getting closer every day), there is no reason for the man to be expected to pay for shared expenses during courtship. Unless of course, you are using him, and he is a sucker. But would you rather be eating free with a sucker, or taking turns paying with a real man?

Personally, I don’t care about the financial burden of picking up a check. My dates are cheap anyways. But almost every man takes it as a good sign of a girl’s character and potential for a more serious relationship, if she makes a serious attempt to pay on the initial dates.

5) You’re a Slut

Men don’t like sluts. Actually, that’s not true. We love sluts. We just don’t want to wake up next to them, take them on creative dates, introduce them to our friends, commit to, or god forbid, put a ring on them. But they make for cheap and easy bangin’, and we love that. The reasons for the near-universal male disdain of sluts are complex, but they are biologically ingrained and immutable. Even if they weren’t, there are good practical reasons for a healthy male resistance to the fool’s errand of turning a ho into a housewife.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t sleep around, girls. Even if I thought it was good universal advice, I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to type the words out, after all that your generation’s sluttiness has done for me. But I will caution you: The world is full of crazy feminists and Manginas who will tell you that it doesn’t matter how much mileage a girl has on her, and that it’s actually immoral for men to judge a slut as such. They are lying to you.

Men are extremely hesitant to commit to sluts, and if they say they do, it’s either because:

1) Their options are limited.

2) They’re lying.

(I’ll also concede that there is a small fraction of men with a crossed dendrite or two in their mate-selection circuits, who really don’t care. But the majority of men who claim to be such are actually just rationalizing their own inability to do better for themselves.)

So there’s the bad news. If you’re a perpetually single young woman, hopefully you saw a bit of yourself in those points. If you didn’t, go ahead and add:

6) You lack self awareness

The good news however, is that while you probably possess some combination of the above poor qualities, so does your competition. And since you’re reading this blog, you’ve got an information advantage. While most young women are being rendered undateable by a culture that encourages them to be fat, unkempt, coarse, materialistic fleshlights, you can follow the Freedom Twenty-Five Get Dateable For the Winter Plan. Only three easy steps!

1) Look Good

Incidentally, I write at length on the subject of how to not be fat. Short version: Eat paleo and lift weights. A woman with an athletic base cultivated through physical activity and resistance training will look better regardless of her weight, and will have a much easier time maintaining a sexy body. As for clothes, makeup and hairstyles, I am not the guy to help you out with that.

2) Be Fun

This one’s hard to teach in just a blog post, but:

• Be sweet, feminine, charming, and interesting.
• Avoid sarcasm and bitterness, as they are the ultimate turnoffs.
• Read about and experience interesting things, so you can contribute to a conversation.
• Have dreams, and be actively pursuing them.
• Exude confidence and self-assurance, without taking yourself too seriously.

I know, I sound like a greeting card. Here’s a tip that’s practical and useful:

• Watch old movies, and study the behaviour of the female love interests.
• Also, limit your exposure to the influence of modern pop culture. When you must indulge, do so with your guard up, and be sure not to learn anything.

3) Keep it in your Pants

Or at least, act like you usually do. Learn this list of promiscuity tells, and avoid them. Eventually though, in the course of dating and relationships, your past will come up. If it’s somewhat checkered, you’re probably not going to get away with papering over it. In the short term, almost definitely. But after years of dating, meeting each other’s friends, and accidentally leaving your phone, Facebook and email open in each other’s presence, the truth will eventually out. Be honest about it, and accept that it will be a deal-breaker for a small number of men, and a point against you for the rest. If you’re young and your sluttitude wasn’t too ridiculous, you’ll do fine.

Listen to your Grandma. Listen to your instincts. But unless you find the idea of planning elaborate birthday parties for each of your nineteen cats, force yourself to ignore the modern feminist movement, and the pop culture that festers around it.