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My client Christie just told me a horrible story about her fiancé pulling away from her.
My client May recently informed me that her on-again/off-again boyfriend was off-again.
My client Selma has been so hurt by her last guy that she’s keeping all her relationships casual.
If you empathize with them, and you find that your love life, too, is a perpetual challenge, it doesn’t have to be that way. Really. It doesn’t.
By learning about men and what it’s fair to expect from them, you can let go of your frustration and confusion instantly.
It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is perfect.
It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is perfect.
You discover something new about your partner every day.
You send flirty texts when you’re out of town.
You can’t stop thinking about him – or the great sex you’re having.
You leave your weekends open, knowing that he’ll fill them with his presence.
This is new love, and truly, there’s nothing better.
But let’s say you’re riding high, when suddenly you get laid off? Or your mom gets sick and has to go to the hospital?
Any normal woman is going to have a rough time with either scenario. Feelings of sadness, powerlessness, and impotence. Depression, frustration, and low-self esteem.
At such times, you can’t be expected to be a ton of fun to be around, nor to have very much to give to a partner.
Which means that a man has be really invested in you to weather the bad stretches.
A fair-weather boyfriend – Mr. Right Now – doesn’t want to bother with driving you to the hospital or helping you with your resume.
A man who doesn’t support you when you’re at your weakest is not a man to keep.
He just wants you to be fun, spontaneous, and easygoing – none of which describe your emotions when you’re dealing with illness or unemployment.
As awful as it is to recover from such setbacks, it’s even worse when the person you’re dating pulls away or isn’t supportive of you.
In a way, it almost feels worse than the event itself.
Suddenly, you’re not just obsessing about how hard it is to hold it together emotionally, but you’re being torn apart by your growing distance from your “partner”.
This is no way to live life.
And I know because I have had MANY clients go through this.
One woman had to put life on hold to help her son through drug rehab.
Another struggled for months with the illness and death of her beloved mother.
Another has been out of work for nearly a year and can’t find a position like her old job.
Each and every one suffered through boyfriends (in one instance a fiancé!) who weren’t fully supportive of them through their darkest days.
And what did each of these amazing women want to do?
THEY WANTED TO HOLD ON TO THE UNSUPPORTIVE BOYFRIEND!
Sorry. Wrong answer.
THIS is how he acts when he’s asked to be selfless.
THIS is how he acts when he doesn’t get his way.
THIS is how he acts when the chips are down.
So why would you want to commit to a man who doesn’t have the decency to put your needs first when you need him the most?
Because you love him?
Because he’s cute and smart and funny and successful?
WHO CARES?
You just got a glimpse of the rest of your life.
A man who doesn’t support you when you’re at your weakest is not a man to keep.
As tough as it is to let him go, he’s done you a favor. He’s shown you his stripes. And he’s shown them to you early enough that you can move along.
I had a girlfriend who dumped me after I struggled in business in 2004. I’m not going to defend myself and say that I was a ball of laughs. I was pretty anxious and challenging to be around. But she gave up on me when I needed her most. That said everything to me.
Imagine you’re married and this happens.
He pulls away when you get depressed at your work situation.
He refuses to communicate when you want to know where your relationship’s headed.
He leaves you when you get breast cancer.
By ignoring your guy’s pitiful reaction to life’s challenges, you’re signing on for deep heartbreak in the future.
Don’t do it.
Your type should start with the man who treats you the best… everything else comes in second.
How a partner responds to crisis and communicates through challenges says everything about the future you will have together. Does he crumble? Withdraw? Bail out?
If so, consider yourself lucky. You just dodged a major bullet.
Now I’d like you to think about the partner who sticks with you through your trauma.
What does it say about the partner who puts up with your suffering?
What does it say about the partner who cheers you up when you’re down?
What does it say about the partner who believes in “for better or for worse”?
It says that he is selfless.
It says that he loves you unconditionally.
It says that he is willing to put your needs first.
What relevance does all this heavy stuff have to do with you?
Well, you know that it would be wonderful to find true love. But it seems so far away, so impossible.
It’s not impossible.
It happens every day.
In the past few years, it happened to my sister, my four best friends, and me. Not to mention HUNDREDS of my clients and readers.
And if there’s a common thread between those relationships, it’s that all of us let go of how it was “supposed” to look and found the partner who accepted us at our worst.
What we found were spouses who share the same values, the same humor, and had the same dedication to building a life together that we did.
If you’ve ever had a partner who didn’t want you at your BEST…who wouldn’t commit to you even when you were 100% happy …think about what it would be like to have a partner who would run from you when you’re struggling.
Only by putting kindness and consistency above all other qualities – looks, money, height, weight, age – only then can you find a love this deep and true.
It’s easy to wonder where these kind people are, but I’m telling you, they’re everywhere.
You just might not consider them your “type”.
Your type should start with the man who treats you the best… everything else comes in second.
While it takes little work to find Mr. Right, with me by your side, it’s a much quicker (and more exciting!) ride.
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