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Dear Evan,
I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship. I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all. My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down. Can you help me? By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me. I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that’s all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them.
Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me as more?
Ashley
Dear Ashley,
Today, I’m going to take a controversial stance. I’m going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.
Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The attractive woman never lacks attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the beautiful woman has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?
By being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal.”
Well, if you’re a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what’s wrong.
You’re an object to men.
You never know why someone likes you.
You can be intimidating without trying.
You can come across as aloof even if you’re just shy.
You’re instantly hated by a lot of other girls.
You’re assumed to be dumb by many guys.
You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.
You’re given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.
You’re catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy, or social grace. When you’re constantly put on a pedestal, it’s hard to be in sync with “normal” people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim “diva” status. You’re just known as a bitch.
That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn’t necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal”…
As a result, you become a lifelong target–a trophy for men to bag. And make no mistake about it, most guys want to bag you. For anyone to deny this is patently foolish. I’m as sensitive a guy as you’re going to find in terms of how I communicate with women, but I can still remember the rush of dating a Perfect 10. It was as if her magical glow rubbed off on me in some way when she walked into a room. And if I can be seduced by physical attraction, and the glory that comes with landing such a specimen, I would have to assume that 95% of the red-blooded, conscience-free men would feel the same way.
Put it this way–when I was single in my 20’s, if I had a chance to sleep with…I don’t know…who was the most distasteful female celebrity at that time? Paris Hilton, maybe? Yeah, I’d do it. Just to be able to say I did. I wouldn’t want to have to make pillow talk, or cook her breakfast, or call her the following day. I just want to have the meaningless experience and cheap thrill that comes along with sex with a celebrity.
Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.
To me, that’s the perfect metaphor–very beautiful women ARE celebrities. They get lavished with attention and praise. They get perks just for being pretty. Their mere presence makes people excited, nervous, fearful, giddy. And while it might seem like a great ride being a celebrity, tell that to poor Britney. Or Mariah. Or any of the other women who crumble from the pressure and attention foisted upon them.
Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.
I know I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent here, Ashley, because it’s very rare that we hear that the root of someone’s problems stems from being too attractive, but I believe that is the case.
Some of the most attractive women I know in Los Angeles–tall blondes with thin waists and big boobs–are 40 and single, because nice guys are afraid to approach them and slimy guys are always on the make.
What’s really difficult for pretty girls is trying to assess when a guy IS sincere. I mean, it’s tough enough for an average woman to tell when a guy is interested in a relationship or sex. Imagine what it’s like when you’re objectified wherever you go. You start to mistrust everybody. You make nice guys pay for the sins of bad guys. And you think that if you insist on not doing any more than kissing that you’re weeding out the “wrong” guys. You may also be weeding out some decent guys. Although it’s unpopular to say, sex is rightfully important to men. A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.”
It’s not that you’re wrong for attempting to protect yourself, Ashley. It’s that your layers of protection may be having an unintended side effect–putting off otherwise well-meaning men who don’t want to feel like they’re in seventh grade all over again.
So how do you decide if a man is interested in you or interested in sex? Well, there’s this previous blog post that discusses this phenomenon. And I’m delighted to report that I actually have a five-minute VIDEO that takes on the same topic. Enjoy.
Despite your very accurate concerns that men want to sleep with the pretty girl, pretty girls get married ALL THE TIME. You want to know how? They let down their guard, they take a chance, and they TRUST. That would be my advice to you as well.
Good luck.
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