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In your mind, out loud, on paper, or with a trusted friend, try a little experiment in which you start a sentence with: I need __________, and fill in the blank. Then do it again and again. Just say what comes to mind, even if it seems silly. As you repeatedly complete the sentence, you may find that you’re getting deeper, into more fundamental needs. When it feels like you’ve expressed what there is to say, at least for now, try different sentence stems such as: I really want ___________ . . . It’s important to me to feel ___________. . . . When I get what I need, ________. Next, try this exercise again while focusing on one or more specific relationships.
Then, pick one of your needs, and say to yourself things like this: I do need ___________ . . . I accept that I really value ___________ . . . ___________ is very important to me . . . It’s normal and OK that I need ___________. Try to soften inside and help yourself feel OK about having this need.
Take another step and ask yourself if there is a deeper need under this one. For example, you might have come up with “I need more compliments from my spouse.” But compliments are a means to the end of a deeper need, such as needing to have a sense of self-worth. We can get caught up in trying to satisfy superficial, means-to-an-end needs, sometimes by becoming fixated on particular words or behaviors from others. One reason for this is that it may feel safer to talk about these “proxies” for deep vulnerable needs. For instance, when our kids were young, I asked my wife if she could give me a hug when I got home from work. Sure, affection was nice, but what I really needed was to feel that I still mattered to her as a being, not just as a co-parent—and that was a lot scarier to say out loud. Even if you can get someone to say the “right” things, your deeper need may not feel fulfilled if it is not directly addressed.
Once you identify a down-deep need, consider what you could do to honor it more fully. (You can repeat this process for other needs, too). It might seem that the deeper the need, the harder it is to meet it. But actually, our deepest needs are usually about having an important experience, such as feeling peaceful, contented, or loved. When you shift your focus from reality having to be a certain way—such as from getting a compliment or a hug—to what you need to feel inside, then there are usually lots of ways to help yourself have that experience. This is wonderfully freeing! Ask yourself: What would I feel deep down if others did what I wanted them to do or say? And then ask yourself this crucial question: How could I help myself have that experience without being so bound to what other people do?
For example, if you want a greater sense of self-worth, you could look for ways that other people do appreciate and value you, without them saying a word. You could recognize some of the many things you accomplish in a day, and really take in the feeling of your capabilities. Before you get out of bed in the morning and before you go to sleep at night, you could tune into your fundamental kindness and caring for others. All of these are entirely within your own power. There’s certainly a place for speaking skillfully with others—including about their needs, too—and for some suggestions about how to do this, please see the chapters in parts four and five. But it’s all too easy to get stuck in a sense of unmet needs because other people just won’t, you know, act the right way! Then you might feel helpless, even despairing. It’s really good to make a plan for how you will respect your needs more fully—especially if you’ve been raised or treated in ways that criticized or downplayed your needs. Instead of waiting for others to meet them, it’s empowering, hopeful, and healing to take responsibility yourself for doing all that you can to experience that your deep needs are being sufficiently met. While we do depend on other people, we can take responsibility within that field of dependence, which over time will probably help you be more effective when it’s time to ask for things from others.
Last, consider how you also depend on . . . you. The you that you are today has been gifted in thousands of ways, large and small, by previous versions of yourself. Like runners in a great relay race, you hand the baton each day to the you who wakes up the next morning. No matter what mistakes you’ve made in the past, think of some of the many things that earlier you’s have contributed to your life: problems solved, goals accomplished, dishes done, relationships nurtured, lessons learned. What would it feel like to imagine some of those previous you’s, and thank them?
Looking forward, consider how your future depends on what you do today. Not as pressure, but gently, let it sink in that your future you is counting on you, right now. What will be important to this being that you will become? What could you do this year, this day, that would set up this future person to live with safety, health, happiness, and ease?
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