Creating and Sustaining a Culture of Appreciation in Difficult Times

Samantha and Jack (not their real names), both in their late forties and married for nineteen years, were on the brink of divorce when we met in my office for their first couples counseling session. “I’m so lonely in this marriage and feel so unappreciated,” complains Samantha. “I can’t remember the last time we went anywhere without our kids and we’re always bickering.”

Jack puts it like this, “Sam is very critical of me and she’s quick to point out my mistakes. I just can’t seem to catch a break. Before I got laid off from my job as a manager at a local resort, things were better between us. Now we’re both unhappy.”

Many couples like Samantha and Jack have difficulty sustaining a culture of appreciation when they’re going through challenging times. Instead of expressing fondness and respect, they blame each other for their problems, show contempt, and criticize each other. Samantha shows contempt for Jack when she rolls her eyes and says, “You misplaced your keys again? What’s wrong with you?”

Building a Culture of Appreciation

The antidote to contempt toward your partner is to build a culture of appreciation. This will allow you to create a positive perspective. It can act as a buffer during difficult times such as job loss, illness, a death in the family, or a financial setback.

How do couples foster appreciation? The first step is to discuss values and expectations. A successful marriage is not simply about staying together in good times and bad, in sickness and health, and richer and poorer. It’s about doing the work of building, enhancing, and repairing the relationship to sustain and deepen it.

To foster appreciation in a relationship, it’s crucial to have realistic expectations of each other and the relationship. These expectations are not just about appreciating the wonderful personality and unique qualities of your partner. They’re also about recognizing that both you and your partner are imperfect. Accepting this is a key aspect of profound love. “We’re in this together.”

The appreciation you have for your partner, as they are, is a cornerstone for building a culture of appreciation and respect.

While it’s normal to forget, feeling unappreciated can leave us feeling drained and unhappy. We often forget to express appreciation for others. Perhaps you might think it, but do not remember to say the words “thank you” out loud or give others a reassuring hug or pat on the back.  

Showing appreciation requires a radical shift in mindset. It can look like an act of kindness such as cooking a meal or writing a romantic note. They might not come naturally, especially if you were raised in a family where people criticized one another. 

Couples who create a sense of an emotional safe harbor with one another have more resources to weather the storms of difficult times. They create unity and can face the stressors of life. The idea is to express what you cherish about your partner and to catch them doing something you like.

Offering Sincere and Positive Appreciation

Without a doubt, letting your partner know you understand them and validate their perspective are powerful ways to nurture a relationship, according to Dr. John Gottman. This includes showing appreciation for one another by offering sincere and positive appreciation. 

In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Gottman writes, “With a little effort and empathy, you can replace thoughtless complaints and criticism with thoughtful remarks.” While negativity is toxic to any relationship, it’s especially damaging when couples experience tough times. 

However, personal growth and love are possible when you’re nonjudgmental and express tenderness through words, tone of voice, facial expressions, or actions. By focusing on what you think your partner most wants and deserves to hear from you, you can offer thanks instead of criticism. 

Appreciation can be defined as telling your partner what you like about them. Ask yourself, “What do I like about my partner? What are their finer qualities?” By focusing on these questions and telling your partner what you like, you are showing appreciation. In addition, when you go through tough times, you can draw on this reserve of appreciation. It will help you be less defensive and blameful toward them.

Here are 4 ways to show appreciation to your partner 

• Tell your partner what you appreciate about them. This might include their personality or actions. Even if you don’t agree with their viewpoint, praise them for how they deal with a challenge or new event in their life. Be sure that your words are specific and detailed. For example, you can say, “I love the way you care for our family. You’re so thoughtful.”
• Show appreciation by doing small things often. Make the most of small intentional moments to respond to your partner’s bid for attention. Bids can range from questions such as “Did you hear me?”, to complex comments (e.g., “It was a really difficult day”), or a long deep sigh. Examples of responding to bids are a facial expression such as a smile or blowing a kiss. Or expressing positive feelings like “I’m so happy to see you.”
• Make a habit of acknowledging and validating your partner’s feelings this week. Tune in to what they’re saying when they have a problem or feel upset. Validate their feelings by saying something like “That must really feel bad …” and “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”
• Start an appreciation ritual by sharing two things you appreciate about your partner each day before you go to bed. The main objective of this ritual is to avoid negativity and to focus on what you love about each other.

The more you show appreciation, the easier it becomes. Showing genuine appreciation to your partner will improve your feelings of love and belongingness. It creates a positive identity as a couple that includes your past, present, and vision for the future.

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