You’re here because you want to know how to solve relationships issues. This is a good thing.
It’s much better to look for solutions than it is to point the finger at your lover, or blame outside sources.
Taking responsibility is the first step, so kudos to you!
(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)
How to Solve Relationship Issues
When you are struggling in your relationship and feel completely stuck, doesn’t know what to do (none of us are really taught how to relate to others), it’s natural to look for advice.
But here’s an interesting truth:
No knowledge or information out there is going to be the actual catalyst to better your situation.
See, when it comes to relationships, knowledge and advice will help you a lot. But the real resources come from the emotions within you. No specific advice will fix your relationship issues unless you have the right motivation within you to accompany it.
What do I mean?
I mean the very emotions that you feel inside are what you will ultimately need to draw from in order to actually put the knowledge to work.
Emotions such as:
- Even fear.
All of these emotions will be the “source” from which you will choose to improve your relationship.
You’re the real source that will solve the problem, not the knowledge. It’s all fine to say you ‘know’ something – but knowing it intellectually is absolutely useless.
Knowing it is doing it. And it’s the emotions you feel that will allow you to do the work.
In the dating and relationships arena, where everyone has an opinion, where there are a number of discussions going on and tonnes of advice offered – you absolutely must know this:
There are very few absolute truths in relationships. There are very few absolute truths in life.
What this means for you is that you’re going to need to be attuned, empathic and adaptable.
With that said, let’s get into the 5 proven steps to solve a relationship issue.
#1: Whatever advice you read, always question it.
Apart from my advice, of course (Just kidding).
And by question I don’t mean treat it with suspicion (although this has its place sometimes, too) – I mean, always build your own mental puzzles. Always reflect.
For example, if a source says you should never sleep with a man before the third date or on the first date (many sources do), and that this is a huge mistake – but you’ve done it, and things aren’t going so well in your new relationship at the moment, it’s easy to attribute it to the fact that you slept with him too early.
It’s easy to just start going nuts and to drown yourself in regret, but the truth is – it’s very possible that that is not actually the reason things aren’t working out so well. (Read my article about relationship advice you should never take)
Don’t let external sources derail your focus. No-one knows your relationship as well as you do.
No one can be as attuned to your relationship as you are (and if they are more attuned than you, then that’s the exact reason you have a relationship issue to solve!)
No one knows you situation as well as you do. Build your own mental puzzles and come to your own solutions with the help of two things
- Your own internal emotional resources; and
- With the added help of external resources.
So what are your own internal emotional resources?
And what are external resources?
- Other people
- Life experience, and whatever else you want.
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Another example: Say a source says that you shouldn’t ask a man where your relationship is going – but you already have; what do you do then?
Drown yourself in regret and worry? No no no…..no.
Even if it feels like that in itself caused problems. Even if this advice is sound. Even if it might be true; doesn’t mean it’s true in your situation, and doesn’t mean you have to fall on your knees and think there’s no hope for you.
Moreover, even if everyone is telling you shouldn’t have done this or shouldn’t have done that – doesn’t mean it has to be true for you.
Again, there are very few absolute truths in life.
So…..exactly how to solve relationship issues? Let’s see step number two.
#2: Ask better questions.
The answers are not in the answers, they’re in the questions.
Need an example? Sure.
When your man is not being attentive, and doesn’t seem to give you the attention you’re wanting, instead of asking why the hell he is not in tune with you and doesn’t care about you; ask yourself: What would be a better way to get his attention in a way that serves both myself and him?
Better still, seek some understanding of what life is like in his shoes.
(Click here to read more about our Understanding Men program)
When things go wrong, when you feel like you’ve made a mistake, and especially when and if you start mulling over every action you’ve taken with a man, and wondering where you went wrong – just stop. Pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Keep asking better questions. (read my article about what if he is heavily in to video games)
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#3: Keep Hopeful By Looking For Positive Examples.
Hope is everywhere, if you will just see it. In order for you to know how to solve relationship issues, you’ll need to keep hopeful and not drown yourself in negativity.
Because negativity is everywhere. If you need examples of why and when relationships do not work out, because or irreconciliable differences, because of cheating, or whatever else – you’ll find plenty of examples!
But hopeful examples are everywhere too. It’s your job to look actively for the positive and hopeful examples, because they are everywhere too!
This is one way in which you can continually replenish your emotional resources for the long-term.
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#4: Add Value First
Whenever you have a relationship issue that you need to solve, you’ll have a lot more leverage for getting through to a man by adding value first.
So for example, if you need him to listen more to what you have to say, perhaps consider meeting him where he is at first.
Listening to women’s problems or even women’s solutions can be hard for men, because as masculine souls, men need to have their own direction. If they don’t, they may not be respected as men.
So knowing that it may be hard for him, you can start by saying:
“Hey, I know it’s such a big job to listen to what I have to say sometimes. I know sometimes what I say may not make any sense. But there’s nothing you need to ‘fix’ for me. I just need you to listen.”
By saying this, you’re meeting him where his at, as well as removing his defences to you “bringing things up”.
It’s called adding value first by understanding him first.
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#5: Acknowledge any Build Up Of Negative Associations
If you’re asking the question of how to solve relationship issues, then there’s a decent chance that there are some negative associations built up in your relationship already, and these negative associations will slowly eat away at anything good that you try to do (unless you acknowledge the negative associations from the past first).
What does this mean?
It means that when we have hurt our partner over and over (or they have hurt you over and over), it creates an emotional and neurological association in their body and mind with you.
And if this hurt is caused over and over again by the same or similar behaviour, it will kill the quality of the relationship very fast.
How fast it kills your relationship will depend on the severity of the damage caused, and how much you genuinely want to make it up to him.
MORE: 10 Agonising Signs show How Men Act When They Are Hurt Emotionally.
So what do you need to do?
Don’t ignore any negative associations that are built up between you and him. Instead, acknowledge then and either hold space for hoe he feels, or ask for him to kindly hold space for you, so that you guys can re-build trust.
With this strong foundation of trust built up, you will be able to solve relationship issues much more quickly and with less heartache or resistance.
That concludes the 5 proven ways to solve relationship issues. Let me pass the ball to you now:
I wanted to ask you these questions:
Can you think of any absolute truths in relationships?
What do you consider to be an absolute truths when dealing with men or in life?Perhaps something that you cannot argue with? Leave me a comment below and let me know!
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.