The Finger-pointing Loop: A Way to Move Beyond It

If You Don't Have a Healthy Relationship, What's Next?


Sally was so angry she could spit nails–or at least that’s what she told us during our coaching session with her.

She owned a hair salon and it was in danger of closing once more because she hadn’t fully recovered from the pandemic and forced closures.

Her son wasn’t doing well in school and his attention span was about as long as a flitting gnat. She didn’t think he was learning anything and she blamed the school administration.

On top of that, she was resentful of her husband who didn’t seem as bothered by all of this as she was.

She let him know how irritated she was with him every chance she could get–especially when he was nice to her–but he was losing patience with what he called her “moods.”

Sally was feeling controlled in every part of her life and didn’t see a way out of it.

When we talked, she described herself as a red, hot mess of anger and anxiety and couldn’t see an end in sight to what’s happening in her life.

She only saw doom and gloom in her present and future.

Now of course us painting a rosy picture for her that her life would be so much better if she dropped the angst and finger-pointing would not serve her.

What we did instead was listen and talk about the emotional weight she carried around because of the endless loop she found herself in.

Contact us here for your no-charge conversation…

If you’re caught in finger-pointing, anger and anxiety right now…

Here are 3 insights that Sally had that might help you move out of the finger-pointing loop you find yourself in…

1. Become aware of the cost of your finger-pointing loop

When you’re in the thick of a finger-pointing loop, it’s so difficult to see it and do anything differently.

We’ve found that becoming aware BEFORE you’re in it is the key to moving into more love.

Sally realized that although sometimes it felt good for a moment to lash out and criticize her husband…

His anger and the hour-long argument defending how “right” she was didn’t feel good.

She saw that underneath her criticism of her husband was a deep frustration with how everything seemed out of control right now…

And he wasn’t at fault for all the “wrongs” in her life.

When Sally saw that, she could see that fighting with him really wasn’t solving anything–and was hurting her marriage.

2. Choose to look in a different direction

When you’re focusing on what’s wrong in your life, you’re constantly reinforcing and upping the stress you’re carrying.

There’s no room for anything new to show itself.

As we talked with Sally, she saw that she had been arguing with the reality of what is.

She’d been increasing her already high stress level by constantly keeping all what she saw as problems active in her awareness.

The longer we were with Sally, the calmer she became.

To her surprise, an idea popped into her mind about how she could provide more hair care products on her website and let all her regular customers know about these new offerings.

She saw that when her mind calmed down, without even trying, she could look in a different direction.

3. Rediscover gratitude

Even in the worst situations, there is always something to feel grateful for in your life.

And when you focus your attention on what you appreciate…

Love, ease and flow follow.

At the end of our session, Sally allowed herself to feel gratitude for her son and husband who were both healthy and for the extra time they were spending together as a family because of the pandemic.

She saw how she could have so much more fun with them than she had been allowing herself to have and told us that she felt renewed in spirit.

How about you?

If you’ve been caught in a finger-pointing loop, what are you seeing beyond whatever issue is troubling you?

From Sally’s experience, what can you see that’s applicable for your life?

There is love beyond whatever challenge you’re facing.

This quote by 13th-century Persian poet Rumi says it all:

“Out beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

Our hope for you is that you meet each other in that field of peace and love as much of the time as possible!