Unhealthy Power Struggles in Relationships

Have a power struggle in your relationship? Power struggles in relationships are very common. Mainly due to people looking for their own feeling of significance and a sense of control over feeling connected to their lover.

I recently came across this statement, which horrified me:

“The one who is being pursued has all the power in a relationship”.

You have to wonder…for what reason would you want all the power in the relationship?

It’s not that I disagree with the statement – in fact, I do agree with this statement; if you are being pursued, then you generally have more power in the relationship.

BUT – power over what?! And what kind of power?

Power over who is more vulnerable to getting hurt?

Power (or control) over how much pain you might potentially experience?

Power struggles in relationships always relate back to one thing:

Fear.

Why?

Because if you’re looking for power, you’re looking to be in control. And if you’re looking to be in control, you’re deathly afraid.

Specifically, you’re afraid of:

• Connecting
• Being hurt
• Being abandoned
• Losing attention or approval

And none of these things result in more connection with your partner.

Bottom line:

If you’re looking to have the power in the relationship, you’re in it for yourself, and you’re definitely not adding real value to the relationship.

If you’re looking to have the power in the relationship, you won’t build a deep emotional connection with your lover. Rather, you’ll build a relationship based on power trips and frequent disconnects.

Which always results in toxicity and bad breakups.

So let me ask you this, woman to woman:

If if you are the one being pursued or you have more so called power in the relationship, does this mean that as a woman, you’re guaranteed more happiness in that relationship?

Absolutely not.

I’m curious though; what is the goal exactly of a person who thinks this way? 

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Needing Control & Power Will Send You Down A Path Of Misery

So let’s work out what exactly a woman wants when she wants to be in a position of power or control in her relationship.

Does she want certainty? Certainty that the man loves her? Certainty that the man is ‘worth’ her time? Certainty that he passes the tests?

I understand. It’s a woman’s job to ‘test’ her man.

We want to know that he’s going to stick it out through the tough times, and be there for us when things get ugly in life. We want him to care for us at the deepest level, and love us like no other man could.

That’s natural. It’s natural and normal for human beings to think of themselves; in fact it’s intuitive.

Yet, having the goal of getting all the control and all the power in a relationship doesn’t lead to healthy relationships.

It’s not going to lead a woman to having an enviable love story – one that fulfills her and her man.

MORE: How to Get Him to Propose & Marry You Without Looking Low Value.

For as long as we’re holding on to our need for certainty; we’re never going to find fulfillment.

Fulfillment doesn’t come from keeping power to ourselves, and being on guard ‘just in case’.

How can our relationships fulfill their potential and be long lasting, if we make it a goal to play ingenuine mind games with a man?!

I’m not against game-playing. It depends on the reason and goal behind the game though.

If it’s for fun, and you’re doing it to be more flirtatious and fun-loving, there’s nothing wrong with playing a game.

But for the women who are playing hard to get and have it as a goal to keep certain and in control; they will never find fulfillment.

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Needing Power Kills This One Important Thing…

However, the very concept that a woman need to seek power in a relationship supersedes her ability to love completely.

And if you cannot love completely, if you’re guarded and needing control, then what kind of relationship do you think you will have?

A horrible one where you’re constantly feeling unsafe and constantly needing to ward off possible threats to your relationship.

This is because you haven’t been adding real value to the relationship, so somewhere deep down inside, you’ll always be scared, knowing that you’re showing up as a fraud in the relationship.

Remember that men want to feel loved, too! Just because they’re men, doesn’t mean that they are immune to pain and don’t don’t need to feel loved and connected!

A man wants a woman who can give him love even when he isn’t perfect, or when he makes mistakes.

The role of a feminine woman

Your task as a feminine woman is not to seek more control. That’s counter-productive to your feminine energy and ability to love and connect.

I’m not saying a woman should sit there and take bad treatment. Far from it.

I’m just saying that a feminine woman is not out there to seek control. Femininity is flow, and it’s about about opening to and giving love. 

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Power Struggles In Relationships: What kind of power Do You Need?

My next logical statement (stemming from this idea of having all the power in a relationship) is:

There are different types of power. I think we all want some sort of influence or power (or at least, the feeling like we matter, the feeling like we can influence the people who matter in our life).

So, what type of power is good, exactly?

I think that the power to bring out the best in your man is a good power.

I think that the power to give love when we are afraid is true power.

I think that the power to show our vulnerabilities is true power.

I think the power to feel comfortable in our femininity and use it for the better is true power.

Having the power in the relationship through being chased ends up being a bit of a downer.

The ‘high’ you get from being pursued cannot last very long. A man will eventually (or sooner rather than later, really) get tired of pursuing you.

Especially if you want to be pursued for the sake of avoiding vulnerability, and for the sake of, well, yourself.

Anyone who is seeking this kind of power is very short-sighted. They are not looking into the future to perceive the possible consequences of their pursuit of power.

(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)

Being Chased is Great, BUT…

I think being chased is great – but not for the kind of power that most people would want to be chased for.

Most people want power because they want to hold on to certainty and to protect themselves.

Lots of women don’t seek to be pursued in order to be playful.

MORE: How to be Mysterious In A Relationship.

Our real power is in what we can give to others. Not what we can give or keep to ourselves.

I know I’ve been guilty of wanting to be the one ‘in control’ in a relationship, and that was long ago.

I eventually came to realize that that’s not sustainable. Relationships aren’t about being in control, and having all the power. Again, it’s about what you can give.

I see no point in having a relationship if you cannot learn to give to the other person.

Recommended: The Person Who Cares Less Has The Most Power. Is It True?

Real Love Makes You Selfless…

When you truly love someone, and when you’re actually in love, it’s quite hard to really be in total control.

Why?

Because when you love someone that much, and you actually experience true love, you realize that it’s no longer about you.

A human who is genuinely in love would know that it’s not about themselves. Because real love makes you much more selfless. That’s the natural state of love: selflessness.

So if you find that you constantly want power in your relationship, and you constantly want to be pursued, I have to ask:

What are you really afraid of?

Do you even believe real love can exist? And if not, then why?

Perhaps you have some deeper issues that need addressing than just looking to how you can be the one being pursued in the relationship.

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What is your opinion on power in relationships (and in dating?)

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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.

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