Getting attached easily can be a surprisingly painful experience.
On the one hand, you cannot help getting attached so easily, but on the other hand you know it’s not quite right, so you’d rather stop the habit (somehow).
But it’s hard to stop doing something that’s ingrained into your nervous system.
So if you find yourself asking why do I get attached so easily, know this: the reason boils down to several reasons that fall under two main umbrellas:
- Your own personal attachment patterns.
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What Does ‘Attached’ Mean?
So let’s start by looking at the definition of ‘attached’. What does it really mean to become attached?
When you look at the definition, it doesn’t seem to imply anything negative about being attached.
And there’s a certain truth to that positivity! There’s nothing inherently wrong with being – or feeling – attached to someone.
Think about it:
Is it wrong for all of my children to be velcro babies from the day they are born until (at least) the age of two?
No, they need it for healthy development. And in this specific context, where we’re talking about babies, attachment is absolutely beneficial and serves a purpose for both mother and child.
But in some circumstances, attachment can be dysfunctional, and it is these cases in which you need to be aware of.
I’m going to share with you 6 reasons why you get attached so easily, starting with the most positive reason, and then moving on to some more negative reasons.
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Why Do I Get Attached So Easily?
Reason #1: You’re A Woman, That’s All
After working with so many women for 13 years straight, I can tell you that women generally get attached faster and more easily than men.
It’s such a ubiquitous phenomenon that my husband and I have coined a term for it, and it’s called your ‘feminine bias for early attachment’.
As a woman, you need the attachment in a relationship with a man. If you never needed to attach to him, that would feel kind of weird to a man who is emotionally healthy and has his wits about him.
Truth be told, it’s the women who don’t attach whom men usually find easy to abandon, because intuitively they know that there’s something ‘not quite right’ about these women.
So as a woman, your need to attach comes naturally. Yes, even if you seem to want to attach earlier than a guy, and even if a guy seems to class your every emotional need as “needy”.
MORE: How To Be Vulnerable With A Man Without Being NEEDY.
Your desire to attach actually allows you to connect deeper with a man and inspire that sense of emotional commitment from him.
However, if you’re wondering how your tendency to attach early can be a positive thing in a relationship, because your habit of attaching early and easily might come across as too clingy or “needy”, I understand.
This is where you need to deeply understand your feminine bias for early attachment as well as understand how to use it to your advantage.
If you intelligently use it to your advantage, it can make a man fall in love with you and want to take care of you for life.
This is the premise of our new and popular program “High Value Attachment”.
The promise of this course is to help you to use your innate feminine bias for early attachment to create deeper attraction with men and inspire a deeper commitment from him without you looking needy and low value.
CLICK here to learn more about ‘High Value Attachment’.
Reason #2: You Have Nothing Else
You have no strong relationships in your life, no strong bonds and deep down you may feel like no one has your back.
So you crave that sense of attachment with someone – it’s far better than feeling so alone.
This feeling that you have nothing else is really related to you not having reliable, consistent people in your life who truly value you and want to invest in you.
Related: 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.
When you don’t have anyone in your life who is truly invested in you, it’s really hard to blame you for attaching so quickly to a man (or even to potential friends and authority figures).
Even if you do have a mother and father, an extended family and friends, deep down you may not feel like they’re invested in you.
Perhaps some of them are distant, or don’t even want the best for you.
Recommended: 12 Secret Reasons Some People Will Always Be Distant From You.
Hence you harbour the feeling that you don’t really have much substance in your life, if anything.
No one deserves to feel this lonely. (Ok maybe some people do deserve that), but it’s likely not you.
So I don’t blame you for attaching early, because you may not find anything or anyone who values you very often – if at all.
Lack Of Quality Relationships Is Ubiquitous
Believe it or not, this state of lack of close connections and loneliness is very common among people in the western world.
Western culture is a place where people are isolated – the tradition of extended families living together under one roof and the family unit has been eroded over decades, to the extent that families aren’t emotionally close. And in some cases, this remains true even if they consider themselves to be close.
In other words, people’s idea of “close” is not actually close in the western world.
In these cultures, there’s little sense of organising your life around nurturing babies and children, as it should be.
Instead, for decades, the culture has been focused on corrupting the youth, keeping women in the workforce and fathers chained to their job (due to the high cost of living).
So where exactly is the time and energy for mothers and fathers to build their lives around the extreme demands of their young?
This breeds weak family bonds, leading to people like you and I feeling more and more disconnected over time, and then we also pass that lack of connectedness along to the next generation – and so on.
Understandably, this leaves a lot of people feeling alone and anxious (because they lack nurturing and deep emotional bonds).
Even if many people turn to friends for comfort and connection, anyone who has lived for several decades comes to realise that the ties of friendship can be just as weak in such a society.
So, getting back to your question “why do I get attached so easily?”…
Attaching early to someone in this context (because you have nothing else) serves you by allowing you to try to secure emotional connection for yourself swiftly.
Except when it doesn’t. Sometimes attaching early has the opposite effect: it pushes people away.
Because often when we attach early due to the underlying fear that we don’t have much in our lives, we’re attaching before the other person is ready to attach to us.
So instead of serving us, in this instance, attaching early will only serve to make us come across as desperate or value-taking.
There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report.
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
Reason #3: A Lack Of Maternal Resources In Your Life
What are maternal resources? It is the presence of a nurturing and responsive mother.
Now, this doesn’t mean that if your mother has passed away, that you will forever be short-changed or have the problem of getting attached to people too easily.
The problem created by a lack of maternal resources more so comes from a shortage of nurturing and care during the first 1- 4 and then 5 -18 years of your life.
Some people say that your first 4 years are the most important, with your mother’s (and father’s) responsive presence being of utmost importance in the first 12 months of your life.
However, judging by my own life and the lives of many other women I know and have worked with, I’ll say that the necessity of responsive nurturing works on a sliding scale starting from birth.
In other words, the younger you are, the more crucial it is.
The first 4 years of responsive and attuned nurturing will set you up very well for life – it will make you resilient and you’ll feel fuller.
This fullness makes you much less likely to attach early or be clingy.
But many parents simply cannot offer this.
I can tell you that after raising 3 boys aged 8, 6 and 1 to be securely attached, that the cost in giving them secure attachment is just something that many parents cannot afford.
It’s just too much to expect most mothers or fathers to keep their baby right beside them 24/7, through the entire day and nights until they turn 4!
For us to achieve this, it has been an enormous sacrifice in:
- Personal time
- Social opportunity; and
- Business opportunity.
(And did I say enormous?)
Granted, we work from home and we homeschool all of our children, so that makes giving them secure attachment more within our reach.
Anyway, back to you now. If we view ‘you’ as an adult, as a complete picture, then the concept of adequate nurturing in your first 1-4 years is not enough to complete the job.
It may be 80-90% of it, but the other 10-20% matters a lot, because as a human you still continue to need emotional support.
Getting shipped off (to daycare, foster parents, friends and even school) can sometimes interfere with your future attachment patterns – and not to mention the development of your nervous system.
Your attachment style can change throughout your life, which means that even if you were given the gift of secure attachment in your first 4 years, there’s still work that needs to be done in the next 4-8 years.
If your mother or father wasn’t consistently there for you until you became an adolescent, problems with your attachment and your emotional stability can still develop.
If you did not have a healthy, responsive relationship with your mother, then chances are, you have issues.
But hey, join the club!
I’m an adopted child who was handed over to two emotionally unhealthy, insecurely attached and toxic parents.
Even if I love them very much and want no harm to come to them, nothing changes the fact that they just didn’t have bountiful nurturing, affection, acceptance and love to give.
In fact, I may have to ask you to explain to me what those things even are.
I did finally come to realise what those things are, as I’ve spent the last decade or more healing from insecure attachment patterns.
And it’s not just my own patterns I had to heal from – I actually absorbed a lot of the “lovely” effects of the dysfunction and child abuse my mother experienced as a child.
And trust me when I say, it was of some of the most demented kinds of abuse…that I had to find out about through other people, because she has blocked it all out.
I guess thank goodness my absorption was “second hand”.
This may be you too. It could be a lot of us, actually! If you suspect it may be, perhaps it will pay to look into your past, re-live the pain and try to understand what happened to you so that you can heal.
It’s never easy. I mean, this problem should have been something your parents addressed.
Alas, you’re now left with the aftermath.
Though it may feel bad to know that you may fall under this umbrella of having not received adequate nurturing, know that you can heal from this.
Things can change.
And you have everything you need within you right now to effect that change.
If I can do it, I promise that you can as well.
(More on that soon).
CLICK Here to discover how Alison ended her cycle of abusive relationships by learning to quickly weed out the “wrong types of men”, inspiring deep devotion from her chosen man and passing the hardest test of them all – an accidental pregnancy after a month of dating!
(…All because of one simple skill every woman should have.)
Reason #4: You Don’t Have Much Male Attention In Your Life
…So you cling onto any attention you can get.
Inside you may have low self esteem, and so the minute someone seems to give you an indication that you’re worthy of talking to or even having sex with, you grab onto it because you fear that it may be your last chance.
In my experience, most women get at least some male attention.
However, even if it is exciting for them, they don’t truly appreciate it. Are you one of these women?
Because here’s the truth: when you appreciate what you already have, its value grows.
Even if you don’t have as much male attention as your BFF for example – you may still have a little bit of male attention.
So when it comes toward you, rather than clinging on to it – it’s much better to appreciate it and feel it for what it is.
It’s a nice treat, so breathe it in and let yourself enjoy it.
When you appreciate it and enjoy it fully instead of clinging on to it, something very interesting happens:
Suddenly you become less clingy to it and more able to notice that the attention literally means nothing of great depth.
It may mean a guy just wants sex, for example.
It may also mean a red flag in some instances.
At best, it means men appreciate your radiance and beauty – which is great!
But remember that even if you don’t get a lot of male attention, its long term value in your life is limited.
You will get older, and by that time, you’ll realise that the real value is in having a man who will invest in you.
Recommended: How To Get A Boyfriend: Avoid These 3 Traits & Get One Quick.
Reason #5: Insecure Attachment Patterns
Why do I get attached so easily?
Insecure attachment patterns. Most people know this as an insecure attachment style.
If you haven’t looked into the types of attachment styles, here’s what you need to know…
There are two umbrellas that describe the way us humans attach emotionally and connect with other humans:
Secure attachment (meaning, you feel worthy inside and the process of relating and becoming intimate is second nature to you).
Insecure attachment. Insecure attachment is a type of attachment that describes people who don’t truly feel worthy of human connection and love deep down inside (due to how their parents raised them or treated them). Relationships can be very difficult and stressful for insecurely attached people.
Under the branch of insecure attachment styles, there are three main types of attachment. They are:
- Avoidant attachment style
- Anxious attachment style (or anxious preoccupied attachment style); and
- Disorganised attachment.
In women, anxious attachment style is reasonably common, and it is this exact attachment style that sometimes leads you to attach so easily (before the time is right).
Research has shown that roughly 20% of adults have an anxious attachment style.
If you have anxious attachment, then fostering healthy relationships doesn’t come intuitively to you.
Anxious attachment style is a term that is widely used and understood by people who use this framework of attachment styles. However, I prefer to use the term “anxious attachment patterns” or “attachment patterns”.
The reason why I prefer to label these “attachment patterns” instead of attachment styles is because we are talking about deep neurological patterns stemming from the first few years of your life, rather than some kind of “preference” as the word “styles” would suggest.
If you’re not familiar with the idea of attachment patterns, it is your “centre of gravity” when it comes to intimacy and relationships.
The centre of gravity for women with an anxious attachment style is characterised by a persistent feeling of stress related to the dependability and security of your intimate relationship.
Here are 12 Anxious Attachment Triggers: How To Recognise & Heal Them.
So, in answer to your question “why do I get attached so easily?”, there are three main reasons why anxious attachment causes you to get attached so easily.
- You have no boundaries around what is acceptable and what feels right to other people, because you’re not very good at being attuned in a relationship.
- You have no idea what a healthy, secure attachment looks or feels like. (So you make all kinds of decisions prematurely or even too late!).
- Anxiety. The persistent state of anxiety that comes with anxious preoccupied attachment makes you act out of stress and fear, rather than out of attunement, understanding and love.
If you’re wanting to know how to help yourself manage your anxious attachment style, the best thing to do would be to read my article on How To Self Soothe Anxious Attachment In 2 Easy Steps.
So yes – an anxious attachment style can cause you to attach prematurely, and your goal should be to learn the art of attunement.
More on that after the final answer as to why you get attached so easily.
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Reason #6: You Create Fantasies Rather Than Living In Reality
One final answer to “why do I get attached so easily?” is that you create fantasies in your mind over being present in reality.
Truth be told, if you weren’t living in a fantasy, then you most likely wouldn’t attach so easily.
This doesn’t mean that living in a fantasy – or that creating a fantasy in your head – is always a bad thing.
Sometimes it’s a good thing, because without it, you may never even bother to form an attachment to a guy.
(You wouldn’t care about it!)
But you want this fantasy to be grounded in feelings of already existing emotional closeness, trust, and a genuine desire to feel mutual emotional attraction with a man.
Not every woman creates fantasies from this place, though.
Related: Can’t Trust Anyone? 6 Hidden Signs They’re Untrustworthy
The danger exists where women create fantasies even before the man has any chance to feel anything for her at all.
That tends to show that you are uncalibrated and that you’re showing up as a low value woman.
Thai is the danger of attaching early, because in essence, you’re not attaching early to a person – you’re attaching early to things that don’t even exist in reality.
If you then proceed to act on your attachment to these fantasies, people (or guys) may well run the other way, leaving you feeling frustrated and embarrassed.
There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
So now this begs the question, “how to stop getting attached so easily?”
How To Stop Getting Attached So Easily in 3 Easy Steps?
Here’s how to stop getting attached so easily in 4 easy steps:
1: You Need To Attach To Something That Is Already Stable In Your Life.
For example, you need to consciously attach to a niece or nephew, a brother or sister, or even a pet. It has to be something inherently stable (a brother or sister may or may not be stable, it depends on your relationship with them).
The point here is to invest in that person or pet. If you don’t invest, it won’t help you form a healthy attachment.
This act of investing in something stable in your life will give you a secure base from which to branch off into the sometimes scary world.
2: Start Connecting With & Bantering With People.
It could be someone at the local store or a work colleague – practise the art of bantering with people so that you can relax into playfulness and become confident in your ability to connect with people at your own whim.
This confidence gives your life substance, and can help to heal the fundamental “lack” in your life.
3: Learn To Use Your Feminine Bias For Early Attachment To Your Advantage.
Simply put, you need to use your feminine bias for early attachment to create emotional attraction and emotional connection with men.
Our online study program “High Value Attachment” will help you do that easily.
Again, the promise of this course is to help you to use your innate feminine bias for early attachment to create deeper attraction with men and inspire a deeper commitment from him without you looking needy and low value.
CLICK here to learn more about ‘High Value Attachment’.
Final Words on ‘Why Do I Get Attached So Easily?”
Moving forward, I believe that you should learn to appreciate your feminine bias for attaching early.
But at the same time, know that if you relate to all the reasons above, then you likely have an issue beyond just a healthy bias for early attachment.
Recommended: 10 Ultimate Signs Of A Healthy Relationship.
It’s one thing to have a feminine bias for early attachment, it’s another to have anxious attachment style or insecure attachment patterns on top of that.
Having these extra factors just amplifies the challenges with getting attached easily.
The best thing to do is to be thankful for your desire to attach early – without it, you wouldn’t be a woman.
“Thank You, I appreciate you for being here to help me.”
At the same time, know that any other issues you have related to a lack of maternal resources, a lack of male attention or creating fantasies about people will compound the problems associated with this innate bias.
It’s best to respect your bias, but also heal any other issues you have surrounding healthy attachment.
I hope my article helped you. It took me a while to write this, so let me know if it helped you in the comments! It would make my day.
I’d also love to see you in our course on High Value Attachment! But if not, I wish you all the best in your healing journey and in your love life.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.