Grr, Her Male Friendships Are Hurting Our Relationship!
A viewer left a comment on a recent video on YouTube about his girlfriend and basically said, “Her male friendships are hurting our relationship.”
But he was also ready to acknowledge he felt jealous and so wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Does he be straightforward and tell her to cut it off?
Or does he try to act like he doesn’t care at all about guys contacting her?
I’m sure some of you can relate to this situation and wonder what the right thing to do is.
And stick with me till the end because I’m going to specifically answer both these questions whether you just started dating or have been in a relationship for awhile.
Let’s take a closer look at “her male friendships are hurting our relationship.”
My take might surprise you!
First, let’s look at jealousy.
“Her Male Friendships Are Hurting Our Relationship”
Jealousy in Relationships
Many people think jealousy is a completely negative emotion and should be squashed no matter what.
Jealousy can certainly come from insecurity but it also allows you to know what you value.
If you’re never jealous of another man stealing your gal, you may feel completely secure with yourself but you also may end up taking her for granted.
If that’s the case, stick with me, I have a solution for you!
On the other hand, if your jealousy is based on unresolved childhood trauma that makes you feel unworthy of love as an adult, well, you may be the one sabotaging your relationship.
There’s a fine balance when it comes to jealousy in romantic relationships.
Healthy jealousy is a beneficial barometer that helps keep you on your toes just enough to not take her for granted.
I’ve talked about hypergamy in several of my review videos, women don’t always leave you to “level up.”
Sometimes, they leave to level across to someone who’s providing what you no longer are.
You let your warranty run out.
I hear you saying, “But, Anna, what about her, doesn’t she have to make an effort, too?”
Yes, absolutely, she should make an effort to meet your relationship needs forever after, as well!
To have a long, happy relationship both people have to consistently contribute to the love piggy bank forever after.
Think of it as a hedge against long term relationship inflation. 😉
Ok, now let’s look at opposite sex relationships and then some solutions for what to do in the situation of her male friendships.
If you’ve ever thought to yourself or said to a buddy that “her male friendships are hurting our relationship” you might be right.
There are so many different male friendship situations, you’ll have to look at each one individually.
But the threat detecting questions to ask are:
- Is this person really a threat?
- Is my jealousy unwarranted?
- Do our values match?
Let’s take a closer look at each of these areas.
1 Evaluating the Threat
Reality land: If he’s straight, at some point there’s at least an 80% chance he’s thought about boinking your girl. Or boinking her again if they’ve already been there, done that.
Which is why it’s completely normal to be concerned about that.
Obviously, if he’s 100% gay, you don’t have to worry about that.
But if he’s even 1% Bi, yep, there’s a chance he’d like to bump nasties with her.
Whether they’ve been friends since grade school or they just met at work, if he’s straight there’s a good chance he’d bone your ladybird if given a free pass.
Now some of you are thinking, “But shouldn’t I trust her?”
And I say, “Lead thee not into temptation.”
However, there can be some leeway and I’ll give you some solid real life examples in a minute.
But first, let’s turn the spotlight on you.
2 Your Jealousy
As I’ve mentioned, some jealousy is natural and healthy.
But if you’re so insecure feeling unworthy of her then your jealousy is likely sabotaging your relationship, at least as well as her behaviour.
If you’re jealous of her—
- successes because she might leave you;
- female friendships or family time because they may tell her to leave you;
—then it may be less about how “her male friendships are hurting our relationship” and more about how your insecurities are hurting your relationship.
In fact, it could be your jealousy driving her to reach out to other men!
If the person really isn’t a threat, examples shortly I promise, and you’re not overly jealous then it might be #3.
3 Incompatible Values
As I’ve said many times, your relationship will go a lot smoother if you choose someone with compatible beliefs, values and long term goals.
Attraction, love and/or chemistry does not equal long term compatibility and is not enough to sustain a happy relationship.
If you choose someone with conflicting values even if they agree to your “relationship terms” you may not be able to trust them when life tests them on that value.
It may even be her insecurities causing her to act inappropriately, if she is.
Life is going to test you no matter what and people do make mistakes but if she doesn’t think she’s making a mistake based on her value system then her conscious might not prevent her from making a what you think is a mistake.
AJ True Story 1
I dated a guy once who said, “All men cheat if they think they won’t get caught.”
I told him, “Even if that’s true, I’d rather be with a man who’s just as disillusioned as I am about wanting monogamy.”
In reality, I’d say most men might have a moment of weakness thinking about dipping their toe in another pond if given the chance but that doesn’t mean they’ll actually take a swim.
Your value system determines if you’ll allow yourself to be lead into temptation or not.
At some point in a long term relationship there may be temptation, no question, but it’s about what you choose to do that determines your true values.
If you believe in wanting to be monogamous, you’ll try not to put yourself in risky situations.
AJ True Story 2
I have a male friend who, once he found his wife-to-be no longer spent time alone with other women, even going for coffee.
He said, “It’s not that I can’t trust myself. I just respect my wife.”
If you want the best chance of finding someone with compatible values, consider getting my WakeUP2Luv program.
It’ll walk you through a process to figure out exactly what that looks like and how to overcome some of the insecurities holding you back from feeling deserving of that kind of love.
OK, now let’s answer the viewer’s questions of:
- Does he be straightforward and tell her to cut it off?
- Or does he try to act like he doesn’t care at all about guys contacting her?
Standards, Expectations and Boundaries
We all have standards and expectations, even if we’re not aware of them.
You can tell what your standards are by how you allow others to treat you.
Read that again.
And you can tell what your expectations are when someone disappoints you.
When someone does something that upsets you, it’s a tap on the shoulder your standards and expectations haven’t been met and something’s gotta give.
Boundaries are how to set the stage for change when you feel your standards and expectations have been disrespected.
Whether or not you’re able to set boundaries shows how much you respect yourself.
Setting boundaries in a respectful but firm way is a kind thing to do.
Well, how else is the person going to know how to treat you if you don’t let them know?
If they can’t or won’t acquiesce your request, they either don’t respect you (red flag) or you’re not compatible (red flag)—even if your request is due to your own insecurities.
And if your request is due to unhealthy insecurities, you owe it to yourself more than anyone to deal with what causes them.
Safe Standards for Her Male Friendships—Green Flags
- The two of them for lunch or coffee in a public setting.
- He’s never indicated a romantic interest in her.
- You’re welcome to join them anytime.
- If he’s got a partner, she’s welcome to join anytime.
- She tells him what a great guy you are.
This is my list according to what I’ve seen in real life, you can make your own list based on your risk comfort and values.
So, to answer then question of whether he should address it or ignore it: he should definitely address it after assessing his insecurities and values.
And if this is you, I strongly encourage you to get my WakeUP2Luv program. It provides a step by step process for how to figure out out your standards and address any insecurities.
Good luck, big hug and God bless!