Estimated reading time: 19 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove: Sooo I’m just throwing this out here prob won’t get featured anyway since it’s such a specific scenario but whatever.
I am on the spectrum and dating is just not happening for me. I’m pretty fucking clueless when it comes to all the subtleties that occur in social encounters and dating ones are some of the most insane when it comes to that. Improvement in that is a dead end for me. I used to crutch a bit with my looks to get the door open as I used to look pretty good back in the day but now that I’m getting older that route is also closed.
There is like no avenue for me to explore. Looks would only get the door open at most anyway , and I don’t have the money to regain the past glory. Besides social skills are a genetic dead end for me. Improvement there just doesn’t happen. Wish it did but alas.
I will never be able to properly socialize, I will always be seen as weird it’s literally how my brain is made up. People think my facial expressions are weird, they always get wrong vibes. They don’t get what I’m saying, I don’t get what they’re saying. It’s useless. How are you ever supposed to feel good about yourself as in “people would like to date me” when literally every time you go outside the fact that you are fundamentally different from 98% of the population is reinforced in a negative way?
The funny part is the thing you always tell guys who obsess over their appearance is something I’ve noticed myself. Looks at most get the door open but that’s it it’s not the defining factor or anything.
I used to look pretty decent before I turned into an aging baldling from Narnia and actually got a decent amount of attention from girls but I could never do anything with it because I just don’t understand girls honestly they’re so social and weird I don’t get it.
So I ask you, what should I do? There is no improvement on the social front it’s hardcapped by shit life rng. You say looks are only a small part and I kind of agree but what then. I am lost I’ve asked everywhere from regular people to supposed psychological professionals and I’ve never in my life gotten an answer that I can work with. So I guess I try this as a longshot as someone who has my problems but does not want to be alone what can I do?
Hard mode: don’t recommend therapy like literally every other person.
Bad Brain No Biscuit
Y’know, there’s the part of me that’s really tempted to just reply to this with “well, not with that attitude” and call it a day. And honestly, this really is a matter of attitude. You’ve rolled in here full of piss and vinegar and demands to solve a supposedly impossible situation, detailing all the reasons why you’re doomed to die alone and unloved and so what am I going to do about it for you?
Well, like I said: I can do nothing for you. Not with that attitude. That attitude is also why you’re going to have a much harder time finding someone to care about you. Nobody is going to be so invested in a stranger who’s angry at the world in general and at himself and the people he supposedly wants to date in particular and himself specifically that they’re going to want to put in the effort to first break down the walls, then put in enough work that he’d actually believe them when they said they liked him and then put in more work so that maybe, maybe he might actually return their feelings.
So if you sincerely want things to change, then you are going to have to change. And as the hot dog vendor said to the Buddhist monk who paid with a $20 bill: change comes from within.
First step to that change is to get that chip off your shoulder. It’s gotten so large and so dense that it’s collapsed into a singularity and it’s starting to suck your brain out your ear. I understand that you’re frustrated and it’s understandable that you are. But starting from the position of “shits fucked, everything’s impossible, work a miracle for me” isn’t going to get you anywhere. You want things to be better? OK. Take a deep breath, hold it, let it out slowly and then say “maybe things aren’t as hopeless as I thought.” Take another. Say “OK, I’m letting my frustration cut me off from my best self” on the exhale. Take a third. Say “Maybe I’m wrong about all of this. Maybe I can improve,” on that exhale.
If you can’t manage that? Then there’s no point in talking to you. If you can’t accept the possibility that you might be wrong, that these self-limiting beliefs are just that – beliefs – then all you’re doing is demanding that other people give you permission to give up. And you don’t need my permission; you can do that all on your own. I’m not here to be the official stamp on the certificate that you drew up yourself that says “nope, I’m forever fucked”. That’s gotta be your call.
Here’s the thing: improvement is exactly as much of a dead end as you decide it is. The fact that you’re neurodivergent doesn’t mean you’re incapable of learning social mores. Since I presume you’re not writing this from jail because you did something untoward to a cop or your boss or a random bystander, then we can safely say that you’re wrong. Some subtleties and social cues may be a challenge for you, sure. Some may be harder for you to notice or you may have to consciously think things through to fully grasp, but that’s hardly the same thing as “impossible”. If you haven’t been locked away from society because you’re incapable of following or grasping the basic rules? Then clearly you can learn and implement them.
Similarly, you don’t mention not having any friends or social And if you can learn to follow those, you can learn to follow ones that come with dating. If you can meet people who can “look past” all your supposed “wrongness” as friends, then its’ not really that much of a stretch to find the people who could do the same as a potential partner.
Y’know. Assuming that you could ever let yourself believe them.
I harp on this because your attitude is going to inform how other people will think of you and respond to you. The whole idea of how a first impression creates the filter that people will see you through is very real. If you’re coming into every interaction with the same energy that you’re bringing in your letter, people are going to come away thinking that they want nothing to do with you. It always sounds like woo-woo-feel-good-manifesting bullshit but there’s a reason why the people who are the most charismatic and charming start from a place of assuming the other person already likes them. It shifts people’s body language, tonality, facial expression, behavior, even word choice in a friendlier, more relaxed and more authentic direction. This primes the other person, especially when they don’t know you, to respond in a similar manner. Set that up at the beginning, and that becomes the lens through which people will see you. Since you can, in fact, set other people’s expectations, then it makes sense to set them to your advantage… especially in a social situation where you may want to be friends or more with this person.
The same applies to being autistic. The big “I’m autistic, I’ve been fucked by RNJesus” energy all but ensures that new people will hear you and agree with you and respond accordingly.
That’s why a big part of the problem is that you’re framing this in terms of your being autistic as a negative and trying to date in a neurotypical framework. That’s going to work against you. If you’re buying into the idea that being autistic is an automatic disqualifier and singles you out as being unlovable and unfuckable… well, that’s where you’re right. The longer you choose to believe it, the longer you’re going to struggle and the more people you’re going to find who will cheerfully confirm it for you. Especially in the various subreddits you’re hanging out in that’re clearly not doing you any favors.
Look, you’re not neurotypical, so stop trying to date like you are. Sure, there may be times when masking might be required, but there’s a difference between code-switching for professional environments and trying to pretend that you’re something you’re not. Let’s assume that you do manage to date someone… are you going to just mask and try to mimic neurotypicality for the rest of your life with them? Do you honestly think that’s something that a) you will actually need to do and b) could actually accomplish?
You don’t understand what someone’s saying? OK… so ask for clarification. Tell people that you don’t get a lot of nuance or hints and you prefer that people be direct and straightforward with you. Shit, if they need a reference point, tell them that you’re like Drax the Destroyer; you don’t do metaphors. The same goes for them: let them know that if they don’t get what you’re saying or don’t understand you to ask to clarify what you mean.
More importantly though, is that you need to not treat this as some sort of unreasonable request or a grudging acknowledgement of a generational curse, but just a neutral fact about who you are. If you’re rolling into interactions with the idea that you’re already being written off because you’re autistic, then people are going to respond accordingly… especially if you’re coming into the interaction with all of the cheerful bonhomie of Rick Sanchez with the hangover following a week long ether binge. If you’re going to be pre-emptively defensive about being autistic and being cranky over asking for what you need, then people are going to follow your lead.
Instead of framing it as trying to compensate for “social skills being a genetic dead end”, frame it as “here’s how you win with me”. It’s not trying to overcome a handicap, it’s just making the whole interaction smoother for everyone involved. Telling people how best to communicate with you makes it easier for both of you to be understood.
Those two changes in and of themselves will make a massive difference in your social life. Not treating your existence as a net negative for the world, your autism as setting you at a negative on the social meter that you have to fight past to get to neutral and being willing to say “here’s how we can both enjoy and understand each other” will open a shitload of doors that you’ve been presuming to be closed, locked and bricked over.
That same “stop fighting against it and lean into it instead” applies to things like your looks. You have to be willing to stop shaking your fist and cursing the linear nature of time and instead say “Hey, I can make this work” instead. That means that you don’t treat everything as a problem to solve or to hide and instead make it part of who you are. You’re balding? OK… sounds like a time to go for a close crop cut or even to shave your head if you’ve got the skull shape for it. Skin isn’t as dewy and smooth as it was as a teenager? Add a daily moisturizer to your morning routine, maybe a retinol cream at night. Make sure to drink plenty of water, get good restful sleep and try not to eat too much crap. Your presentation – that is, your grooming, your skin care and overall style – makes far more of a difference than your bone structure.
Now will any of this serve as an instant win? Of course not. Those don’t exist. Even the most fortunate and/or genetically gifted still have to do work. You still have to meet the people who are right for you, who are compatible with you in all the ways that really matter and who you would actually want to spend time with. You need to connect with them and turn that connection from stranger to friend to lover. But right now, you’re cutting yourself off before you even have a chance for other people to think “hey, this guy’s kinda cool!”
Shift the attitude, start leaning into who you actually are instead of who you think you’re “supposed” to be and give people the tools they need to win with you. That’ll go a hell of a lot further to improve your social life than a full head of hair and Cillian Murphy’s cheekbones.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. Nerdlove,
Firstly, I want to say thank you. Your column has helped me think about my relationships and approach people much more confidently.
That said, my love life has slowed down a lot lately, and it frustrates me. The way I see it, the problem is twofold: Firstly, I travel a lot. I’m almost done with college, which means there are two months left before I move to a different state for seasonal work. Once that’s over, my next job is in a different country. With all this moving around, I don’t think I can support anything more than a short-term relationship or a casual FWB.
That brings me to the second issue: not knowing where to start. despite wanting a casual/short-term relationship, I’ve never been into (or even understood) the college hookup scene. That’s partly because I’m extremely hit or miss with subtext, and terrible at flirting when I’m not being comically over-the-top about it. I also prefer a “live and let live” approach, not saying more than what needs to be said, but that doesn’t work when trying to get a girl’s attention, so it takes a ton of mental energy and fighting with myself just to muster the confidence to talk to a girl. And when I do talk to a girl, I don’t know what to say or how to say it in a way that signals interest. It certainly doesn’t help that social life at my school is very cliquey. Most of the people I find attractive already don’t want to talk to me because I’m friends with someone they don’t like, or I’m not part of their immediate social circle or something like that.
Basically, I want a casual relationship because it’s what I know I can commit to. Something more serious would be great, but I’m not at all ready for that, mostly because of traveling. On the other hand, finding a casual relationship has me missing my shot, or never working up the courage to take it in the first place.
It sometimes feels like with everything going on, it’s not even worth it to think about love and relationships, but I’m not ready to give up yet, so what do you think I should do?
Sincerely,
The Double-Decker of Relationship Issues
OK, DDRI, I can tell you already that the problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have. Your problem is that you are severely overthinking everything and making assumptions based off things that haven’t even happened. That’s leaping off the page before I even get to the final paragraph. You’re twisting yourself into knots and telling me about all the things that you can and can’t do and why X Y and Z don’t work before you even get to your question.
So before you start writing off relationships or saying “I can’t do X because I’m friends with person Y”, just slow your roll, stop worrying about trying to run a marathon before you’ve finished even lacing up your shoes.
Part of the problem is that you’re starting from the end. You say you want a casual relationship except maybe you don’t but also you have to accept it because you can’t really do a more committed one. Well, before we worry about that, how about we focus more on just talking to people? After all, you have to figure out if you even like someone well enough to want to possibly make 20 minutes of squishing noises, never mind what kind of relationship you might be able to have with them.
After all, just because someone’s physically attractive to you doesn’t mean that you would actually want to have anything to do with them. That’s the question you should be answering before trying to determine the kind of relationship that might be possible.
The biggest issue I’m seeing in your letter isn’t that you don’t know how to flirt or signal interest, it’s that you seem like you’re trying to avoid talking at all. “Live and let live” is a fine philosophy for people who don’t actually have any impact in your life – someone else’s relationship model or religious beliefs, for example – but it’s a fucking failure when it comes to relationships. Saying “what needs to be said and no more”, likewise, comes off as “I wish not to be beheld or interacted with,” which isn’t great for, y’know, socializing. Silent Bob gets away with it because he’s fictional and Kevin Smith writes his scripts to accommodate that character. It doesn’t work nearly as well in reality.
This is also part of why I question whether your school is actually as clique-y as you say. Are you sure it’s that Person X doesn’t want to talk to you because you’re friends with Person Y, or are you letting your anxiety come up with excuses as to why you shouldn’t bother trying to talk to them in the first place?
So here’s my advice: Right now, you want to focus on just socializing and being in the moment. You’re so busy thinking twelve steps ahead that you’ve forgotten how to say “hello”. This is part of why you have to psych yourself up and wrestle with trying to make the first move. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re in negative points before you’ve opened your mouth and you have to have a game plan to get to where you need to be and oh shit you don’t know how to do that.
Well, yeah. That’s because the cart’s so far before the horse that it’s in a different goddamn county. You don’t know this person and you’re already trying to plan out how you’re going to say “Look, I can’t do committed are you down for something casual?” Small wonder you’re struggling.
Well, it’s time to let all of that go. You need to start from a position of just thinking someone’s interesting and wanting to have a good conversation. Period. Everything after that is a bonus. You are so hung up on the outcome that you’ve turned a conversation into something that you can fail. What you want is to be outcome independent, setting yourself up in ways so that no matter what happens, you come out ahead. Had a good conversation with someone new? Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Got plans to hang out and have coffee later? Even better. Got a phone number or more? Hot damn son, you’re on fire. But even just “hey, I talked to a pretty girl and didn’t spontaneously combust” is a win. Realizing that you don’t need things to go perfectly or that it was only worth your time if you achieved X is going to be infinitely better for you and your self-confidence.
Here’s what you need to start a conversation with someone: you think they’re interesting and would like to get to know them. That’s the mindset you want. Not “how do I do this so that by the end I have the chance to see about maybe turning this into a casual fling”, not “what societal minefield do I need to dance through in order to get a date”. You want “I think there’s something interesting or cool about you and I would like to know more”.
This, however, means that you have to be willing to drop that whole “live and let live” business as the excuse it is. And it is an excuse. It’s not some high-minded philosophy of navigating the world with zen-like serenity, it’s a way of excusing yourself from having to actually put yourself out there and risking letting other people getting to know you. You want to date people? You want people to be interested in you enough to have a relationship, whether casual or long-term? You’re going to have to start being more than Two Word Tommy and actually hold up your end of the conversation.
Now there’re ways of doing this that don’t require you to be as quippy as Ryan Reynolds or a motormouth Peter Parker. The easiest way to keep the conversation going is to show interest in the other person, ask questions and relate to their answers. They’re into skydiving? Oh hey that’s cool; you don’t know if you could do that because you’re terrified of heights but you live the idea of it. How’d they get into it in the first place? They like hanging out at the botanical gardens and sketching the flowers? Awesome, you do the same thing except at museums. What’re their favorite plants? Are they into it for the science or the art of it?
The trick is, simply, that you ask questions about them and the things they’re interested in and show interest in what they have to say. It’s like the old PUA line of “What do you have going for you besides your looks?” except instead of coming to it from a place of judgement, the subtext is “what is it about you that would make you a good match for me?” You’re asking them what makes them cool and then saying “hey, that does make you cool, that’s awesome!” People in general and women in particular rarely get a chance to talk about the things that interest them to someone who actually wants to listen. Someone giving them that opportunity is giving them a gift, and one they’ll both greatly appreciate and remember.
Flirting is, likewise, less complicated than you’re making it out to be. Signaling interest is as easy as saying “hey, I like you”. Flirting is ultimately saying “I like you” in a fun and interesting way. What it looks like is ultimately up to the personality of the people involved. For some, it’s light teasing. For others it’s about agreeing and amplifying and playing things out in a mini role-play or game of improv. For still others it’s saying flat out “no, for real, I think you’re incredible.” Hell, for some it’s “I want to know what you like because I want to understand you and appreciate it the way you do.”
As I’ve said many times before: don’t worry so much about the subtext. If you’re not someone who’s good at subtext, then say that. Let people know you’re someone who appreciates being straight forward, values it, even. Being willing to say what you mean and mean what you say, instead of couching it and hiding it in plausibly deniable ways can be as refreshing as a cold drink of water on a hot day, especially in an environment where people act like actually showing interest is a sign of weakness. If Gomez Addams can eschew subtext for joi de vivre, you at the very least can own the fact that you like someone and not need to feel like you have to hide it.
By the same token, don’t worry about cliques, don’t worry about what happens in the remaining months until graduation and leaving school. Work on just being social. Be someone that people like to talk to and who likes to talk and get to know people. Don’t worry so much about the cliques and who’s “allowed” to talk to whom, especially when at least 75% of that is in your head, not reality.
If, over the course of talking to someone you decide you like them and you feel like you’re catching a vibe? Cool, invite them to continue the conversation elsewhere. Maybe you grab coffee in the student union. Maybe you two can go play board games at a nifty café in town. Or grab ice cream or take a walk, check out a museum exhibit you’d been talking about. Boom, congrats, you’ve got a date.
Go on a couple of dates and then you are in a position where you might want to talk about what kind of relationship you could have. But let’s not concern ourselves about that until it’s actually time to think about that. And the time to think about that is not before you’ve so much as said “hello”.
Stop putting unnecessary obstacles in your way, DDRI. It really is much simpler than you think. Be in the moment, not obsessed about a future that may never even be relevant. You’ll be a lot happier, a lot more confident and the skills you’ll develop with this mindset will make Future You’s life much more interesting and rewarding.
Good luck.
www.doctornerdlove.com
